Helping Men Overcome Their Fear of Women

Recognizing when you might be scared

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Awareness alone is not enough to bring about change, but becoming aware of your fears of women will likely set the process of change in motion. For men, I suggest you try carrying around the idea that you are afraid of women as a standing question that you pose to yourself any time you think it might be relevant. Is it possible that I feel fear in this interaction with my partner? It seems to be that I am mostly angry, but might there be fear underneath that anger? I particularly encourage you to consider the possibility that you are scared of women any time you find yourself defensive or angry, particularly when the level of your defensiveness or anger seems out of proportion to what’s going on. That kind of disproportionate reaction often suggests underlying fear.

Embracing the fear

Embracing your fear simply means allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel, with as few preconceptions about what it should feel like and as little judgment as possible. It may seem odd or even somewhat threatening for me to suggest that the best way for you to resolve your fears of women is to embrace those fears fully. I understand that every instinct tells you to push away your fears of women and to act like you are not scared. The problem is that whenever you disown any aspect of your experience, you are killing the messenger. The message itself goes underground, only to emerge later, stronger than ever.

Psychotherapy
If you are feeling stuck in your efforts to resolve your fears of women in your intimate relationships, I recommend that you consider consulting a well-trained psychotherapist. A good therapist should help you learn how to embrace the full range of your experience, including your fears of women, and help guide you toward resolution.

Men often do not seek psychotherapy because they are socialized to believe that asking for help of any kind, but particularly psychological help, runs contrary to the masculine norm of self-reliance and is shameful, a sign of weakness. Men with higher gender role conflict are less likely to seek help than those with less GRC, which means that men who have the strongest fears of women and need the most help are the least likely to seek it out.

Therapy can be threatening to some men because the therapist is most likely to be a woman, but even if the therapist is a man, many men anticipate being judged in therapy for being guarded or defensive, emotionally withdrawn, or not sufficiently vulnerable and emotionally open, recapitulating the same fears of inadequacy and not being able to “get it right” that they so painfully experience in their primary relationship. In couples’ therapy, men often worry that the therapist will be allied with their partner and that they will end up as the identified patient, the one who needs fixing.

You can work with either a male or female therapist—that’s a matter of personal preference. I do recommend that you find a therapist who does a lot of work with men and has an understanding of men’s fears of women in intimate relationships.

Fathering
Noted feminist author Dinnerstein made the radical claim that we will never undo the patriarchy until men are fully involved in raising their children. It is a radical thing to do that is potentially world-changing. I remember when my children were young, after changing, I don’t know how many diapers on the filthy sink counters of restaurants; I cried the first time I saw a changing station in a McDonald’s men’s room.

I often urge men to be the ones to get up in the middle of the night with their kids. It can help you find your way of being a dad on your own without worrying about someone watching you. You will never regret it. Encourage your partner to take some time off and get away. Don’t do it as a favor to her; tell her you want her to leave so that you can have some solid, uninterrupted time with the children. You’ll figure it out.

One of the best ways for you as a man to heal whatever childhood wounds you have from the less-than-optimal parenting you may have received is to be the parent you wish you had. When you have been wounded yourself, the first instinct is to feel shortchanged and look for payback. Paradoxically, giving someone else what you were deprived of can constitute an important part of the healing. For men, modeling a different kind of masculinity for their sons is often a crucial part of resolving their gender role conflict and fear of women.

Excerpted from Hidden in Plain Sight: How Men's Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships. (Lasting Impact Press)