Let's just call this the one where I laugh at myself, because seriously, did I really think that October was going to be slower?! Hahaha, oh, no. As you read this, Trav and I are on a much needed vacay from life celebrating our anniversary, so this week, I will finally get that slowing down that I had hoped for, and I am going to enjoy the heck out of it. The rest of the month, not so much.

Woman for scale... she was a few inches taller then me! These horses were HUGE!

The very first weekend, we quickly went from not much happening, to Trav working one day, and me subbing two classes the following day.  ::hello husband, goodbye husband (we blow kisses as we pass like ships in the night)::  There were exhausting times: a week when Trav worked events 3 nights in a row; nights on call for me. Halfway through the month there was a stressful event that felt like a huge hump I was happy to get over. Still trying to find that balance between finding the help I need sometimes with not really wanting to have to ask for help, or overburden someone else by asking for help.

Apple cider donuts! We had to drive up past Boulder to get them, but totally worth it!

Even with only one child and my relatively laid back schedule, there were definitely times this month that I wished there were two of me to get everything done (or maybe three of me, with one being a permanent fixture on the couch, alternating between all the books I wish I were reading and all the Netflix I want to watch!). I don't know how parents with multiple kids (and multiple after school activities) do it. 


That's not to say it was bad, not at all! I've subbed a handful (and a half) of classes this month, found my new car, did CPR training, got family pictures done, went to yoga, talked with a doula training class, met with friends. We also hit up an Orchard for some Apple Cider Donuts (where all the pictures in this post are from). So much good stuff!

The subbing in particular... I called Babs after leaving a class one day when I had a "I can't believe this is really my life now!" moment. Its surreal to stand at the front of the class and lead a group through a flow together.

So, while the month might not have been as slow as I hoped, it was full and fun, and had all the other beautiful hallmarks of Autumn.

Hay ride!

November is looking pretty low-key so far. Maybe I'll get that slower month I was looking for? Don't worry, I'm not holding my breath!

Mid-September, on a random weekend when Trav was working, Gwen and I decided to drive down to the Farmer's Market and do a little browsing. Everything was going great. Until it wasn't.



::sobs::

Don't worry. We're fine. But my sweet Angie, not so much. Totaled. 

I know that its just a car... but I've had this car for 11 years and she was my baby! Its the car that drove us to Cape Cod and back countless times, the car that brought home Daisy for the first time, and cocooned Gwen as a baby. It drove us cross-country 3 times, and on countless road trips. She's quirky, but I know her quirks!

I miss my parade of dancing cows...

She was the perfect size, comfortably broken in, and happily paid off!
In the end, it is just a car. But I loved that car, and I miss her.

Farewell, Angie.  :-(

We broke down on Saturday and turned on the heat. At least we made it until November. Honestly we probably would have made it further, if it weren't for all the time our door spent open the night before because of Trick-or-Treaters. But it is officially cold now, and this weekend more so, plus rain which chills you even more, so I was happy for even the little bit of heat we applied.

Our weekend was good overall. Gwen came home from daycare on Friday overly tired, overly sugared, overly excited, and with a cold blooming. She and Trav went out trick-or-treating and had a lot of fun, but then she didn't want to go to bed when she came home. She helped hand out candy until about an hour past her bedtime, when we finally put our foot down. She had a great day/night, but it ended with her completely bursting into overwhelmed tears and me having to console her before she could fall asleep. She woke a few times that night.

I needed sleep so desperately that I skipped my monthly trail clean up. Trav took Gwen to the store and a few places, and I slept until 9:30. It was a rainy miserable day and Gwen still wasn't herself, but we colored and tried to just chill and enjoy the day. That evening we headed to a coworker's housewarming party, we all had fun and Gwen did really well. She actually was adorable when we left because said coworker lives in the city, so walking to our car in the dark and seeing the center city skyline all lit up on the horizon was awe-inspiring for her. She was so amazed by the huge glowing buildings. It was pretty great. Unfortunately she got to bed a bit late that night too.

Trav let me sleep in again on Sunday, which was amazing, and after lunch I took Gwen to her school friend's birthday party. I was excited for it since it was at a giant play place, and I needed her to run around to burn off some energy. Unfortunately I think that was completely negated by the cake they gave them at the end. She was good, but just again, so not herself. We did get her to bed early last night, and besides one wake at 4am, she slept well. I could use another weekend day, but it was nice.

I'm so glad for the nice weekend because overall, I'm really overwhelmed right now. Between the craziness that work has been for the past two weeks, and what I know is in store for the next two to three weeks, plus house hunting, and everything else going on, I just feel like I'm just tapped out of patience.

I haven't mentioned this yet, but Trav's Pappy recently passed away, and its been hard to deal with. The range of emotions is one thing, and add to that the logistics... well, its a lot. I'm trying to be supportive while balancing what else has to get done. His services are on the 18th which is the day before our biggest work day of the year. Thank goodness for an understanding boss, but frankly, I'm just dreading that whole week because its going to be physically and emotionally exhausting.

While I never want to rush the time away (it goes too fast on its own), I am counting down until Thanksgiving, when a lot will finally be behind us, and hopefully we can have a moment to breathe.




So that, friends, is where we stand!

This week has flown by in a flurry of days spent stuck on the computer, with no time outside minus what I get walking between the train and my office. Work is so busy right now, which is good for fast days, but not so good for not having your head spin. I have to work late pretty much weekly this month, including an overnight in DC, which I'm not a fan of. I guess I just wish the busyness came in shorter waves instead of whole months of it following a quiet summer.

One good thing (and I'm sure Trav agrees with this!) is that Gwen has been handling my nights away like a champ. I'm so grateful she's become a pretty adaptable kid.

Can I go on a little tangent here. I don't think I mentioned this before, but I had to call Gwen's doctor the other week because she was getting sick and out need her inhaler soon, and we had to get her a new one. Not a refill, but a whole new one because OMG the Flo.vent turned my kid into a rage induced monster. Seriously, those were the words I used with the doctor because I had to make her understand. Fists clenched so hard she would shake, primal scream forcing itself from her throat, "I don't like you, I don't like you, I don't like you" rage emanating from this little body that had no idea what to do with such levels of emotion. It was frustrating to take, hard to witness, and impossible for my mama heart to bear anymore.

And of course, there was no need too. Our doc heard me utter those words and saying that it, "simply wouldn't do" (she talks like that and I love it), immediately switched her to a new inhaler (Q.var). And while she's not exactly the same Gwen on the new inhaler, there is no more rage and it is so so so very wonderful. I can treat my child's breathing issues without turning her into something she's not!

Still feel a little guilty about how the monster word just slipped out though.

Anyway, Friday y'all. Here's too it.

I think maybe I shouldn't read facebook first thing in the morning, because maybe I take things too seriously. But, I was bummed when a friend posted a video of "talking to a liberal", not once or twice, but in at least three different places. Its a joke, but I think some people actually believe this stuff, and it sucks. I'm not a liberal because I'm a brainless twit who thinks that everything can be solved with puppies and rainbows and baskets of hugs. (I only wish they could... LOL.)  Just because I'm a earth loving, babywearing, breastfeeding, positive parenting mama, doesn't mean that I unintelligent or uninformed. It doesn't mean that I'm pandering for handouts.

Here's what it does mean.


I am a liberal:
Because I think America should still cry out, "Give us your poor, your tired, your huddled masses longing to be free..."
Because Jesus told us to take care of the poor.
Because I think that everyone should be able to marry their one true love, no matter the sex of that person.
Because people who work 70 hours a week just to put food on their family's table shouldn't be put under by one bought of illness.
Because yes, there are some who are lazy or bad, and that's why they aren't wealthy, but they are the exception, not the rule and I don't feel like throwing everyone to the wolves to punish the few.
Because "I don’t believe life begins at conception and ends at birth." (source, great article, better then I can put it)
Because I think war should be a last resort, and that it shouldn't be a vehicle for impressing our ideals on other nations.


In no way, shape, or form am I saying that if you aren't a liberal, you don't believe these things. What I am saying, is that if you believe them too... then we have more in common then you might have thought, and that maybe we can find some middle ground. And if you do believe them, maybe you should look at who you are voting for, and what they are really pushing.


For the record, I'm a gainfully employed, fully insured member of society; who worked two, sometimes three jobs while attending school full time, in order to pay for my own bills, food, housing, and school supplies. I still have thousands in student loans. I have a mortgage on a house worth thousands less then what it was worth when we bought it, but we still have enough in savings to keep us going for just under a year if one of us lost a job, or five-ish months if both lost a job. We got their by skimping and saving, staying in and not going out to dinners or movies except for special occasions. We have no credit card debt.

I think all that has proven me responsible enough to chose my own religion, decide what happens to my own body, marry whomever I fall in love with. I think all that should make me want to give back to those who haven't been as fortunate as I have, those who work longer and harder for less, those whom I can help, without hurting myself. And that is why I'm a liberal.


I'll step off my soapbox now.

I keep opening the new post box and the x-ing out of it because I have nothing to say, and too much to say, and no idea where to begin. Life is chugging along both so slowly (gah, this week felt like three!) and so quickly (um, middle of September already!) and I'm finding it difficult to stay centered and find my direction.

We're plugging along on the house stuff; the last of the repairs to paint, etc should be done as of today, and I believe we're going to do a walk-through Monday to sign off on it all. Thank goodness. Then its just finding the time to actually get stuff done around the house.

Plugging along at work as well... I think I'm finally mostly caught up after our vacations and month of distracted lack of productivity. I had a few really good bursts this week and got a ton done... but now I'm flagging again. Hopefully Monday I'll "burst" anew. Though of course, we're entering that time of year, when yet again I find myself wishing for something different. If we won the lotto, I'd be giving my notice and going back to school post haste.

Life is plugging along. Gwen is so fun and such a joy; but also so trying! She wants to be doing so much, but her desire to do is a bit ahead of her ability to do, so that leads to some cranky times. There are also amazingly fun times though, and one of my favorite things is when she does something that makes me laugh - genuinely laugh - and she just loves that so much that she leans against me and giggles giggles giggles.  ::contented sigh::

Travis and I have been off lately, and I can't figure out why or what to do about it. This could be a whole post in and of itself, but to try to make a lot of feelings and events into a easily manageable paragraph: I'm sure its all the recent stresses, but its frustrating and just makes life more stressful overall - which I guess makes it a vicious cycle. We just seem to be at each others throats a lot; agreeing less and arguing more; with the relaxed happy times being more of the exception then the rule. All of this leads me to be more annoyed with him more of the time, which means that littler things bother me more, and I've completely lost any patience for some stuff - also a vicious cycle. Its no good. The internal reactions I've been having to some of these fights is completely big and blown out of proportion. When I look at them later I always wonder what the hell is up with me, who reacts that strongly to a fight about [whatever stupid insignificant in the long run thing]?! But then it bothers me more because who has the fight about [whatever stupid insignificant in the long run thing] to begin with? I want to talk to him about it, but I don't know how to bring it up or what to say.

So that's all that. There is a lot of stuff making me happy lately (fall, Gwen, Trav in our relaxed moments), I have a lot of stuff I'm looking forward to (Celtic Classic with the fam in a week - including my brother, getting the house all put back together); but I also have plenty of stuff that's been wearing on me (work irritations, fighting with Trav, crankiness from Gwen, then house stuff going so slowly). I'm noticing that while in general I'm holding onto my optimistic outlook, in day-to-day specific events I'm having more pessimistic, woe-is-me moments. I don't like it, and somethings got to give.

That said, the day is almost done and I have a whole weekend ahead of me to make the most of. Lets see what I can do with that.

I had plans to take lots of pictures Friday to show you our beautiful "new" house. Instead I ended up posting this message on my facebook Friday afternoon:


Yeah, things didn't turn out exactly as planned.

Frankly, the house looked like crap. Stuff everywhere, paint job wasn't even good on closer inspection, furniture wasn't where it was supposed to be. I had a lot of trouble that day, called Trav crying a few times, finally decided that we couldn't actually sleep there that night. I think all the stress and frustrations of the past month had caught up with me.

Saturday I headed to my parents with Gwen, for a hair cut and visit with Gram. And my amazing husband went to work.
The house is still in shambles! But Gwen's room is cleaned out, the living room is Gwen safe, and its at least possible to move around the house. We just have to take it a step at a time.

Seeing family was cathartic, and after talking to Trav about his progress, I felt much more in control. So Saturday afternoon, on my way home, I called the restoration guy and told him we needed to have a talk. He called me back on Sunday and I used my stern voice (occasionally bordering on barely suppressed rage voice, but I was always nice). He was over at 7:45 this morning to walk through the house with a notepad, on which he recorded all of the things I wanted fixed.

At this point, we just need to sort and put away all of our stuff.... there's no way they'd remember where they moved things from. But he's having the paint fixed, had two guys with him to move the furniture, and is taking care of a few other things. Oh, and the cleaners will be coming back to do another once over when everything else is done.

Pictures then.

In the meantime... a few things I'm grateful for:
1. My shower head! LOL. I so love my rain shower head and missed it.
2. My own bed, with my own sheets, and my own blanket.
3. Gwen having her own room again... we all sleep better, and its nice being able to talk to my husband (instead of whispering) when we're getting into bed in the evening.
4. Internet access!! On a computer, with a real keyboard!
5. Working from home tomorrow.

And one week until vacation in AZ.... yipes!

(Sorry I need to vent/complain.)

So, ordered my fridge from Lowe's on Wednesday. No problems there, ordering online was easy. I get my confirmation email in a timely manner:



Yesterday, I wait for my call "within 24 hours" to schedule my delivery. This is important since we will be gone all next week, and I can't stay home from work on Monday, but don't want to wait any longer then Tuesday to get it! So I really really needed to schedule that delivery for Tuesday the 26th.

I don't get a call. So at 4:00, I give the store a call. I'm told that the delivery scheduling people are gone for the day, but "don't worry, you'll get a call tomorrow." So, I wait. Today, no call. So 3:30 rolls around and I try calling the store again. The woman was very nice, but try as she might, should could not get one person from any of the 3 departments that might have been able to help me on the phone. Then I get disconnected.

So, I went up. I called the national Lowe's number instead of the specific store. I got a lovely, very helpful woman on the line who finally got me connected to someone from the store who could (through her sneering irritation) help me. And I find out that:

1) The 7/20 estimated arrival time in my email, is in their system as a 7/18 scheduled delivery date! (Um, how do you figure that one?!)

2) Apparently that date was in the computer as having been chosen by me, when I was never given the opportunity to chose a delivery date during check out. (Not a problem since I was going to be called in 24 hours to figure that out, right...)

3) That the "we'll call you within 24 hours of your order to schedule" was actually being treated as a "we'll call you 24-hours before we plan to show up to your house to let you know the time." (You know, because no one has to work.)


Thankful I got the delivery date changed to the 26th, but I cannot tell you how frustrated I was when I hung up. I'm not anti-Lowe's now, but I can tell you that I'm certainly not going to be using that particular Lowe's anymore. You know, the mistakes/miscommunications/break downs in Lowe's technology (whatever they are) above would have been annoying but not completely frustrating. However, being delivered by a woman (the one from the store, not the one from national who was lovely) who's voice clearly stated that I was being a pain in the ass since it was all clearly my fault, well that's a bit much to handle. Though thank goodness I did go through the hassle, because how much of a hoot would it have been if they had shown up to deliver our fridge on  Monday when we were 5 states away?!


Grrr...
(leaving for Cape Cod in about 2.5 hours, but who's counting?!)

Jan isn't coming back, no matter what happens with her mom, until at least the end of the year. At least.

::cue freak out::

Jan does so much. And she means so much, to me and all my coworkers. I just can't imagine her not being here, long-term. Its hard enough trying to wrap my head around her gone for a week or so, let alone the rest of the year, and beyond.

Not to mention, it means a steep learning curve on a lot of things that she normally does... which can be left for a little while, but not for the long-term. I'm not the only one picking up the slack, but I'm super nervous about the new stuff I will have to do. And frankly, if she does decide not to come back, I'm concerned that they will decide not to hire someone new in her stead. Money is tight (here and everywhere), and sometimes it seems that thriftiness outweighs other considerations. I can't do it. I can't do all of my stuff, plus most of hers... and I know that's what will end up being the case.

My heart breaks for Jan and everything she's going through... but I really, really hope that come the end of the year, she decides that she misses work. I really hope she comes back to us. For now though, I panic.



------

On a completely unrelated note:
This past weekend Brandy, the photographer, lent me her double pump (as she's done with it for the foreseeable future). Holy hell, what a difference. My pumping time is so much faster now! Thanks goodness too, considering the above. I can relax more too, and my supply seems to have recovered.

Who would have thought, all those years ago when I picked my wedding photographer, what a great thing it would turn into?!  :-)



------

Weekend ahead and I'm so ready for it. Happier posts to come, I'm sure.

This is going to be a doozy.

At six month into this family of three thing, I thought I would follow Ms. Snowe's lead and be completely honest about how I am feeling and how things are going (we'll see if I end up editing it down later). 

Overall, its good. Just look at this past weekend! I love being a mom, I love watching Travis be cute with Gwen. But honestly, its been a bit challenging lately. I think Gwen is going through a growth spurt (typical at 6 months) because she's been eating like a fiend lately, including waking 2-3 times at night... something I'm very out of practice with, and which is leaving me exhausted (hopefully adding in food, which we'll be doing this week, with help with that). She's also been a bit fussier (I'm sure the multiple wakings doesn't help this), and is going through a mama phase. It doesn't bother me, you know I love having my baby attached to me most of the time... but it definitely makes it hard on Trav when he is caring for her while I'm getting ready in the morning or whenever. In turn, he's been getting super irritated/worked up/angry. Its a crappy cycle because the more annoyed he gets, the less interactive he is and the more crabby she is, and so he gets all the more irritated. I hate it.

This morning was the worst. She woke at 12 and 4 last night, then was up for the day at 5. So we were all a bit tired this morning. I took longer in the shower then normal, and Gwen was being grumpy... and I come out to find them sitting on our bed, Gwen fussing a bit and Trav shaking a rattle in front of her, but not even looking at her, talking to her, or anything. And he continued to just glare ahead until I picked her up to feed her, at which point he stomped out of the bedroom. (Just a note that this is very unusual... and normally even if he's annoyed with her fussiness, he's very interactive.)

I just find myself so annoyed. We've been going through these cycles since the beginning, fine fine fine... then all of a sudden, everything's a bother. I keep wanting to shake him and ask what he though having a baby would be like, but then he is fine again and I don't want to "ruin it" by bringing it up. However, lately I have been trying to talk about it with him, and we'd had some real good talks, made some good headway... then this morning.

Not that I am perfect. I'm not by a long shot, and I'm sure if asked Trav could come up with a list of things that I do/don't do that bothers him. But I feel like this is so much more important then dishes, or laundry. More lasting then who takes up more of the bed or when I leave a light on because I'm going back into a room in just a minute. This is our daughter. This is the foundation we're building for the rest of her life. For our relationships with her. 

All in all, its just making me feel a bit alone right now.

I'm sure work doesn't help, since I feel like I'm often going in circles there too. And being physically wore down doesn't help either. But that is where we stand at 6 months. I would love your input.

I think there is always a bit of a letdown when you come back from vacation. The responsibilities that you've pushed aside and been allowed to ignore while you were gone, all come crashing back. We've been tired. Not as much extra sleep over vacation as in past years, with Gwen getting us up earlier, and staying up later to visit with family. We've been making it up in the evening some this week, going to bed a bit earlier most nights. We snapped at each other on Sunday night. Trav felt badly on Monday, so we treated ourselves and met after work for dinner. It was relaxing to just order up some food and not have to make it, or clean up after it. It gave us a chance to talk too, which was nice. We agreed that we need to work on communicating better... in a nicer way.

Work has been keeping me very busy since I got back, and the few breaks I've had during the day, I've spent running errands or spending some time with the intern who is leaving next week. He was a G*d-send during my maternity leave, and we've been sharing an office for the past two months since I returned, so its hard to see him go. Not to mention that I'm just not happy with work at the moment. Being so contented with Gwen and my family life has made me even more aware of how not contented I am there. Its not who I am... I don't think it ever was... and I can't keep plugging away at something that doesn't offer me more then wonderful coworkers and a mediocre paycheck. I need more from my job. I want to show Gwen not to settle, to do something that brings her happiness and a sense of purpose. I want her to have a balanced life, a full life, a content life. I'm not balanced right now and its taking its toll.

If any of you have read Eat, Pray, Love (if you haven't, I definitely recommend it!), then my word right now is between. Between that place where I was contented with a job that paid the bills because of the nice benefits it offered, and a place where I am in a job that I actually enjoy, which gives me a sense of purpose. Between a place of it being all about me, then all about Gwen, and a place where I have a happy balance of time and energy for my daughter, while still making sure that I'm taking care of myself (I'm almost there on this one... I'm getting better). Between a house that I can stand because it is affordable, and has a few redeeming qualities and I know we won't be there forever, and a place where I actually look forward to raising my child(ren), and want to make it a "forever home". I'm between, floating along in this place.

This being between, I don't like it. Its left me feeling rushed and disoriented, ungrounded and left hanging. I am having trouble falling asleep some nights again because I can't turn the mind off, but during the day I'm forgetful and can't seem to get my brain in gear! Its unnerving. I'm overwhelmed.

So I beseech you blogosphere... any suggestions for how to make a career switch after the better part of a decade in a certain job? If you could picture me in any job, what would you see me doing?

Here's what I've come up with so far, not just for the job stuff, but for life in general.

Immediately:

1. Try to fit in a me activity every week, and encourage Trav to do the same.
2. Take more walks and spend more time outside.
3. Take my mom up on her babysitting offer, and do something just Trav & I. At least once every other month, and once Gwen is a little older (lets say when she's doing more solids then breast milk), every month. 
4. Focus completely on where I am at the time. If I'm at work, I'll concentrate on work... if I'm at home, I'll concentrate on home. I can't give 100% somewhere if I'm 20, 50, 90% somewhere else! 
5. Try to find the things about work that are the most enjoyable, and find ways to expand them. 

For the long-term:

1. Try to figure out what type of job would make me happy (that I can realistically get to)* and take steps to get there. 
2. Search those job sites. 
3. Keep one eye on the housing market. 
4. Pick up an exercise habit that I can do routinely: running, swimming, yoga, etc. Something that I enjoy and will stick with. Make time for it at least every other day. Encourage Trav to do the same.

Anyway, I'm going to go relax a little and have a snack before bed. If you've made it this far, you're patient! Feedback, please. 


* I love spending time outdoors, doing things for the environment, taking care of animals. I enjoy writing, taking photos, helping people. The problem... any job that I can thing of that has to do with those things either requires more schooling then I have, or more specific schooling, or it is something that is p/t, hourly, with a wage that I cannot do. I have to make a certain amount right now to do my part towards keeping our mortgage paid, as well as that second mortgage which is daycare. I'm stumped. I'm stuck.

I'm drinking orange juice to help with the tickle in my throat, the one from the cold I think I'm picking up from my daughter, who got it when her immune system was tired from fighting the fever/stomach bug. I'm not too worried about it though, since I know that every cold she has now will help her immune system strengthen and help her fight off those big things. Still hate hearing her little cough though, and seeing her uncomfortable.

I brought in one of her 3-month pro pictures (which we got in the mail yesterday) to put on my desk. I glance at it when I'm pumping in hopes that it will kick the boobs into high gear. After my orange juice, I'll switch to a big Nalgene full of tea... with the duel purpose of it being good for my cold, and it pumping me full of liquids which is good for, well, pumping.

A little afraid to put this out there, but you might notice from the update on the Gwen month-to-month page that the % stat for her weight has dropped a bit... she's still gaining, but not as fast as she was. I think this was just a fluke month, with starting bottles at daycare and us learning what she needs there, plus the stomach bug (which the doc also pointed out could be the cause), plus bf babies just tend to gain at a slower rate then non-bf babies (thus throwing them below the curve), but it hit me a bit and I felt like my previously rock star mammaries had let me and my daughter down. Hard not to beat myself up. Hard not to find myself in tears this morning when my poor unsuspecting husband told me that he did something different with my pumped milk then what I had planned for it. Yipes.

Excerpt from the email I wrote him after he left with Gwen, post tears:
"I'm sorry about this morning. I didn't mean to make you feel like I was upset with you. I am very tired, and was caught off guard (a recipe for tears)... I figured you would ask me what to do with the milk, since I had asked you to put that milk in the fridge this morning. [...] I know that we have a lot in the freezer, and that's good. But its really not as much as it seems... maybe only a few days worth. If anything were to happen, I want to know that it is there so she can continue to get breast milk. [...] The more we feed her at daycare, the less I'll be feeding her at home, and that can make my supply drop, which means I'll be able to pump even less. I'm worried about not pumping enough for her during the day, and worried about depleting the freezer stash making up the difference. I know that I need to not jump to worst case scenarios, and I'm trying to just relax about it and go with the flow... I guess it just upset me more then I realized to think that maybe I have not been doing as great with feeding her as I thought. I'm sure this month was just a fluke, but it still made me feel crappy. [...] I do know we need to feed her some more at daycare though. [...] Anyway, I'm sorry I got all freaked out, and I hope you understand."

He did.
Understand, that is. 

We're sending more in each bottle, giving her more at a time, plus the two nursing sessions in the morning and two in the evening, to see how that takes care of things. I'm going to make a huge effort to drink more liquids, and eat more healthy fats (to give my boobs more fats to choose from for making the milk) like avocados, nuts, fish, olive oil. I have faith that this will take care of things... but I've also resigned to NOT being able to breastfeed her exclusively until 6 months like I originally hoped/planned. I've compromised with the doc and we'll start baby cereal (well, oatmeal, because that rice cereal is crap and has no nutritional value) mixed with breast milk at 5 months... then we'll start baby food (well, we'll probably do a combo baby food and BLW) at 6 months as I always planned. But I do still plan to give her breast milk exclusively to drink for a while yet, and breastfeeding until at least a year.

I just keep reminding myself that I have a happy, healthy daughter and that this too shall pass. But encouragement is welcome. I was/am nervous to write about this, put it out there, afraid of judgment or disagreement with our decision. No one will ever agree with me completely though, and I/we are doing what we think is best for Gwen. In the end, as long as she is healthy and loved, it will be okay. As my own gentle encouragement, I've added countdown tickers to the bottom right side, to 6 months and to a year. Its actually very heartening to see that we have only 1 month, 3 weeks until 6 months... thought it is insane to me that it is only that long until my daughter is 1/2 year old.

As an aside, I'm reading Nie Nie now, and it heart wrenching and inspiring and depressing and uplifting all at the same time. I got there from the Pioneer Woman's post, which was also referenced at Friday Playdate where she talks about heros, and men who are heros in everyday life. It made me picture Trav last night, who had retrieved Gwen after she woke up about 20 minutes after I put her down for the night... I wanted to grab a drink and a snack for while I fed her some more. When I came out of the kitchen, he was standing in our darkened dining room, rocking our crabby, snuffly daughter who had fallen back asleep... secure in his arms. It made my heart flutter.

Now I have to get back to work... being out on Thursday, the back on Friday, then a three-day weekend since I was out on Monday has me all thrown off and made me less productive today. So off I go...

The good:

• We are picking up a ceiling fan tonight, which is going in the dining room. Can't wait to get rid of the ugly chandelier currently there... and can't wait to have a cool breeze throughout our downstairs. 
  
  
• This little girl, of course.
  
  
  
  How cute is she?  :-)  And minus last night, she's been sleeping great lately.
  
  
• We are also looking at new sinks tonight... the one in our kitchen needs replaced, since the seal in the left side is shot, and it needs new hardware. We are definitely going to get a deeper sink, and a taller spout, so that washing out pots and pans will be a lot easier!
  
  
• Did I mention, this girl?!
  
  
  
• My tummy seems to be slowly, but surely getting back to normal. Remember the one month shots?
  
  
  Well, compare:
  
  
  Not too shabby, huh? I still have lots of work to do... but we're getting there. (And check out my Bermuda shorts!)
  
  
• This quote:
  "I am not a perfect mother and I will never be. You are not a perfect child and you will never be. But put us together and we will be the best mother and child we would ever be."

The Bad:

• My Pop passed yesterday. He had been sick for a while... going downhill because of Alzheimers and recently had bouts of bleeding, so it was not unexpected. I'm not sure how I feel, like I said, it wasn't a shock, but of course it is still sad. He lived a full 83 years, and I'm glad he's not in pain anymore. I'm sad Gwen never had the chance to know him and that he never got to meet her.
  
  
  
  I haven't cried about it yet, and I don't know why. I don't think its really sunk in.

The Ugly:

• I've been frustrated with Trav lately. Not to dive in too deep, but I just wish he would do more with Gwen without me having to be the one to suggest it. He's trying, but its just frustrating sometimes. I  know he wants to get stuff done around the house or relax when he gets home, but I'm home with her all day, and would love my own chance at these things. I do the whole bedtime routine, which starts around 730 - 800... so there is about 1.5 - 2 hours between him getting home and when I start that. Lately it seems like he's always busy then. Oh well, like I said, he's trying.

And just to end on a nicer note:

I had the blogger window open for most of the day yesterday, but just couldn't find the energy to actually write anything. I ended up leaving work early... just too tired and sore and uncomfortable to handle more time camped out in front of the computer. It was not so fun.

I went to bed an hour early last night, and the extra sleep was nice... but I'm still not feeling great today. I think the waking up 3-4 times a night that I've been doing these past few days, both to pee and just to readjust to try and get comfortable, is wearing on me. I've also been having the craziest dreams.

Frankly, I'm over being pregnant at this point. Little girl is full term today, and I'm really hoping she isn't one of those kids who likes to show up fashionably late to the party. I'm hoping she's the helpful type who shows up a little early to help set up the chips and dip. ;-) I just can't imagine how I will feel if she doesn't come until a week or two late.

I haven't had any signs of labor yet, so I'm not holding out much hope for the next few days... though I have had a few painful BH. So maybe those are leading to some real contractions? I have an appointment today, so we'll see if she's still hanging out high (which I'm guessing she is, by the state of my ribs and heartburn!).

At least this past weekend was productive. We headed to Bab.iesR.us and bought the last items we wanted to buy before she arrived... then got them all washed and put away. We also went grocery shopping (got me some Red Raspberry Leaf tea, to help strengthen the ute!), took the pup for some walks, hung up her wall letters, and finished installing the one carseat. Hopefully I can get it inspected soon (that's turning into a pain in the ass)... and then we can install the other carseat (in Trav's car) this weekend after we take Willy and his date out for a belated birthday dinner.

Sorry I don't have anything more interesting to report. I'm just tired right now, and spend a lot of time (when not at work) resting, watching movies, reading. Doesn't really make for interesting blog fodder...

So I guess I'll leave it at that.

I'm sorry, and I apologize in advance if this isn't the most level headed blog post, but THIS article makes me so angry I could spit!! So angry I can't see straight.

Some of the highlights:

And those people, says Greg Mueller, a veteran anti-abortion political operative and former spokesman for Pat Buchanan, are getting a powerful message. “She’s going out there as a pro-life woman to say that there’s great joy in special needs kids — and that we shouldn’t be aborting them.”

and

“You just can’t escape it — she really is cut from a completely different cloth than most men, but also women, in politics,” said Marjorie Dannenfelser, the president of the Susan B. Anthony List, which supports anti-abortion candidates. “She had the audacity in the eyes of the abortion rights world to actually have this child, and then has the audacity to bring him along with her and feature him as a centrally valued person in their family.”

HOW DARE THEY! How dare those twisted, self-righteous assholes, imply that just because I'm pro-choice, I think that disabled children aren't valuable members of the family. How dare they imply that I think disabled children should be aborted.

I believe in a woman's right to decide what happens to her own body.
I also believe that people with disabilities are people just like the rest of us... unique, special, and either great or horrible people as decided by the individual, not the disability.
And those two beliefs, are seperate matters, not contingent on each other.

Travis and I would not have aborted if we found out our little girl had Downs. Nor if she had a miriad of other disabilities. If we found out she had horrible chromosonal abnormalities that made her prognosis one of pain, suffering, and inevitable death... then Yes, there is a chance we would have, to spare her the pain.

I spent most of my first 18 years around those with disabilities, assisting in the IU classroom at my middle school, visiting a friend of my dad's at Good Shepherd, etc. I have met there, some of the best people I know. Of the quadruplets, one is partially deaf, and one has a sever vision impairment. Both are the most amazing, wonderful, loving kids. You don't see me parading them out to the press to get attention for my pro-choice stance.

I'm sorry to end the week on such an angry note, but I just had to get that out. I'm livid.

The next time I come on here saying, "oh yay, we're going to redo a room... its going to be fun... we'll do it all leisurely and nothing will go wrong!", KICK ME! Hard. In the shin.

The first coat of paint on the walls is done. We are so close (one more coat, then some touching up, then moving everything back in the room). But holy hell... I HATE PAINTING.

So yeah, next time people, talk some sense into me!

I've been hesitant to write this post, but frankly feel that I would be better off to just get it off my chest. I'm going to start with one of those annoying blanket statements...
Pregnancy is hard. So much harder then I thought it would be.

Now let me backpedal!
I am so thankful to be pregnant. So grateful every. single. day. for the little girl growing big and strong inside of me. Every pregnancy is a miracle (seriously, its mind boggling how one little sperm and one little egg create 7.5lbs of life!), but I feel especially blessed because of our experience with our first pregnancy. We want a baby so much, and losing our first was so hard for both of us. I cried for months. Little things hurt me. And seeing those two lines in June, then the heartbeat in July, well it was a balm. It didn't make all the hurt go away, and it didn't take away the pain of losing our first (who will always be our first), but it did give us a new chance, a new start. And because of that, it felt like twice the blessing.

But here's the thing: I really wanted to be one of those women who glowed with pregnancy. Who wore it with ease and grace. Most of the time, I'm not. I certainly have my days (today is actually pretty damn good) where I walk around with a smile on my face and I'm sure people look at my blooming belly and think that I'm such a lovely vision of womanhood. To them I say, "HA!" I spent the weeks up to 19 feeling nauseous, not being able to eat well, and having spells of lightheadedness because of that (the only glow there, was a cold sweat as I tried not to puke on people). I had three spotting scares in the first trimester, and spent week 22 horribly sick... not to mention the scare with her amniotic fluid. Week 23 and now 24 I'm dealing with the pulled muscle that resulted from that sickness, and to top it off, expanding ribs that push on that muscle leaving me sore, aching, and frankly, very uncomfortable most of the day.

Yesterday I left the office to go for a walk around the block, a chance to get some fresh air and stretch a bit. While I was out, I called Trav, under the guise of wanting to talk to him about daycare stuff, but really because I just needed to hear his voice and be comforted. I was having a Bad Day. I was in pain, and that pain was making me feel lightheaded and slightly nauseated. I am so grateful for Trav in all this... he listens to me complain, comforts me when he can, and treats me with little things (letting me get extra sleep, giving in to my food cravings, etc). He's involved... going to as many of my appointments with me as he can, going to visit daycares this friday on his day off, and generally trying to make sure that I'm well taken care of.
I warned him last night that it already feels like my intestines are in my ribcage, and that our little girl has no more 'up' to take advantage of... which leaves 'out', so I'm probably going to have a huge monster belly by the end of this pregnancy (see picture evidence below).


Being the amazing guy he is, he didn't gulp too audibly at that. Lol.

Part of me feels horrible for complaining at all... especially since it feels like that's all I've been doing lately. It feels like a slight against my daughter, kicking away in my belly. There are women out there that would kill to be pregnant, and I was one of those women 6 months ago. But I would be doing no one any favors by pretending that just because this is what I wanted, what I still want more then words could ever express, that it is all fun and cheer... that it isn't ridiculously hard. If I had to be pregnant for another 10 months to get Gwen in the end, then I would. But Lord Almighty on High, I am so glad that I don't. I'm so glad that I'm more then halfway there.

Because pregnancy is hard people. There, I said it. Pregnancy can suck.
But as Ro told me, "In the end you get your baby, and that's the good part."

A coworker of mine came into work the other day sick. That bugs the crap out of me. If you aren't well, and are coughing/sneezing/hacking STAY HOME! I don't want your sick! Especially with the H1N1 stuff right now, you would think that people would be extra aware of things like that.

I'm chugging along right now feeling all the world like a distracted ninny. I can't seem to get my head on straight at work lately, and I'm managing to do just enough to fake it. I'm behind though and really hoping that I get a few days of productiveness soon so that I can get some kind of caught up. At home at night, I catch my piece and practically melt into my overstuffed chair with the relief of not feeling my head spin... but the next day at work, I'm right back to feeling like I can't hit my stride or find my rhythm... and thus have the hardest time getting things done. Work tomorrow at least is something different, so hopefully that will snap me out of this. Monday off is much anticipated as well.

Tally and I are heading out of the office for lunch today. She has an errand to run, I have a craving for rock shrimp tempura, and we're both feeling that the change of scenery would serve us well.

Hopefully Monday I'll have something better for you. Have a great weekend!

I got the news yesterday that my best friend's grandfather passed away on Wednesday afternoon. Tonight I head up there to spend the night, and tomorrow at 9am is the service. Its always sad when someone passes, but his end was a good one... completely surrounded by his family and he wasn't in pain.

I'm having trouble concentrating today. Because of the above, and because its the friday before a three-day weekend. Not just concentrating on work either, but email, this blog post, everything. I headed out for a little break to pick up some closed-toe, black flats for tomorrow (how did I not own any of those?) in hopes that the change of scenery would give me some umph to accomplish when I got back, but it doesn't seem to be the case. I am writing here, but that's about all.

We really have no set plans for this weekend besides my trip to the service. So we'll see what Sunday and Monday bring. Hopefully lots of sleep.


As an aside, I haven't talked about politics for a while, but I feel like I have to at least bullet point a few things on my mind.
Things like this, get me:
I just can't understand that. This article from the Washington Post, Five Myths about Health Care around the World, is a great read and dispels a lot of the alarmist sentiments out there. I also wanted to point out Jon's post HERE (though I don't agree that "republicans are nuts") which is also an interesting read.

Then there is this video... which I think is a great example of differing view points having a frank question and answer about the topic. I think you could guess that I'm firmly riding Franken's traincar. ;-)



That was all very haphazard and thrown out there, but I'm just all annoyed with everyone right now. All politics, all Americans who just refuse to compromise and figure something out. How will we help anyone, how will we please any side, if we don't do anything because we are caught firmly in a stalemate. Grr.

Anyway, I guess that's all I have to say about that... though I will leave you with this amusing sentiment from someecards.com:


And on that note... I'm going to try to get some work done. Have a great labor day weekend!




Ps. I did change some stuff around on my sidebar. A bit more about the family instead of just me. Like?

We'll start with the disclaimer that I would be sick every day until the end of this pregnancy, if it meant a healthy baby at the end. But putting that aside, I'm really hoping that's not what it takes because frankly, I'm so sick of being sick.

This morning was a Not Good morning. I won't say it was a Very Bad morning, because I only actually got sick once... but it was definitely Not Good. And after four or so Good days in a row, Not Good felt extra horrid. This morning I had to fight off the urge to grab every pregnant woman I saw and demand that she tells me "it gets better." I know it will, but damn if that isn't hard to see right now.

Now I feel bad though since I know there are so many ladies out there who would do anything to be pregnant, or who suffered losses and would do anything to have their babies back. I am so greatful for this pregnancy... and like I said, I would deal with this for all 9 months if I had to... so I hope my rant didn't bother anyone. Its just hard to feel sick all the time.

Anyway, I'm done with the complaining now!! Sorry about that!