She lost her best friend. It happened yesterday.

He was a good boy. Fourteen years old. He was always beside her. When she ate supper. When she watched television. When she used the restroom. He even slept on the floor near her bed.

He was a Labrador, and then some. The biggest in his litter of 12. His shoulders were wide, his neck was a column of muscle.

He wasn’t a playful dog, but he was happy. He was gentle. He liked children, chewing, lying in the sun, he loved tomatoes. He enjoyed walks, but only short ones. He seemed to go crazy over “Downton Abbey.”

He could eat more than any dog she’d ever seen. He was a garbage disposal with a tail.

When she worked nights in a commercial kitchen, he waited for her to get home. She’d arrive after work, he would be seated at the front door, squealing.

She would bring him things from work. The spoils of her occupation. Fish guts, lamb fat, chicken gristle, and sacred ground beef.

And he loved her for it.

But she owed it to him—and then some. He’d seen her through hard times. He knew her emotions like a roadmap. He knew when she was sad, happy, or angry, before anyone else did.

When her father died, he crawled on a sofa and placed his hundred-pound body in her lap. It almost crushed her.

“I love you,” is what he was actually saying. Which is the only thing dogs know how to say—except: “Feed me right now or I’ll poop in the kitchen.”

He was with her when she lost her job. He was with her when she moved houses. He was with her when she passed a class, certifying her as a teacher. He was with her when her mother was ill.

Yesterday, she took him to the vet. She sat beside him for a few minutes before the doc came. His eyes were glassy, his back legs didn’t work. He was in pain.

Decisions were made. They hooked an IV to his leg. The fluid went into his veins. He fell asleep in her arms. His mouth slung open. His eyes became empty.

She didn't cry. Not at first. It wasn’t until she was on her way home that it hit her. At a stoplight, she found herself in a sort of daze when she noticed black hair on the seat. Dog hair.

She had to pull over just to keep from wrecking the car.

Sometimes, I wonder if mankind is cursed. Because living hurts. Life itself hurts. Because nothing lasts. Good things die too soon. Bad things last too long.

And just when you think things can’t get worse, the television proves you wrong.

Another day, another shooting. One group of people screams at a another. It’s hard to tell the difference between nice folks and the other kind anymore. It’s difficult to know what to believe.

Some believe the world is turning into fertilizer, and they have every right to believe that. For all I know they might be right—I’m not smart enough to tell them they’re wrong. Others believe differently.

I believe differently. I won’t believe our world is hopeless. I can’t.

Not as long as dandelions still cover highway ditches, and the clovers still pepper Tennessee mountainsides. Not as long as whippoorwills still flutter in treetops and make sounds I enjoy.

Not as long as the sun still comes up, and the moon still glows. Not as long as babies keep growing, and mothers keep loving.

These things, I believe, are proof of something. You might even call them miracles. I don’t know where they come from, but they come from somewhere. Everything comes from somewhere.

Maybe they come from above the clouds. Maybe from the other side of here. Maybe from a place of cherubs, rivers, and perfect prairies. Wherever this place is, it’s the same place dogs come from. And I know it’s where they return.

Goodbye, Gurgle.

-- Sean Dietrich 

 

I miss her smell. Her trotting in looking for food whenever we were in the kitchen. Her soft ears. I miss her.

 

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.

There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... (Author Unknown)

As Daisy gets older, and her tumors spread, I am struck with how very limited her time is becoming. Its enough to make me literally weep... the idea of my world without her in it leaves me feeling incomplete. I'm glad Kipling found the words for this. 

 

There is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
But when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and sisters I bid you beware
Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.

Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie--
Perfect passion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart for a dog to tear.

When the fourteen years that nature permits
Are closing in asthma or tumors or fits
And the vet's unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers, or loaded guns.
Then you will find--its your own affair
But--you've given your heart to a dog to tear.

When the body that lived at your single will
When the whimper of welcome is stilled (how still!)
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone--wherever it goes--for good,
You still discover how much you care
And will give your heart to a dog to tear.

We've sorrow enough in the natural way
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent,
At compound interest of cent per cent.
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we've kept 'em the more do we grieve;
For when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short time loan is as bad as a long--
So why in Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?

-- Rudyard Kipling "The Power of the Dog"

Pre-trip, last day of horseback riding camp!

 

We are back from our trip out East... from seeing my parents (and other amazing friends and family), from getting a new tattoo, and from checking off the last state I needed on the East Coast (Maine, you are lovely!). 

It was so amazing to see Penny, Panda, and Parker! We've missed our bubble.

It was a great trip, but definitely illuminating after a year off from travel. We won't stop taking these trips, but I think we are going to adjust them in the future. For one, now that all those mid-Western/East Coast states have been checked off, I think our focus will just be visiting friends and family. Direct between places, and keeping our trips to about 2 weeks. That was plenty long enough for Gwen and I. We'll have camping trips be separate. I've lost any desire to combine camping trips with cross-country trips, and the completely different packing needs the two entail. From now on, we'll camp out here, and visit out there.

Despite those realizations, it was such a wonderful time, full of great visiting and beautiful places. Gwen and I both loved Acadia (and I definitely want to see more of Maine).

Now... well we're diving right back in! I signed two doula clients before we left, so we're going right into meetings now that we're back. I added a private yoga client. I'm back to mapping. Gwen and I are getting her ready for school to start in just over 2 weeks! 

How was your summer? When does school start for your kids? 

There has been plenty to celebrate lately... Girl Scout trip to Great Wolf Lodge (indoor water park, mini golf, ropes course, and more!), Father's Day (pedicures! and Chinese food!), and Litha (a good whole house clean, and dinner with my sister and sister-in-law) specifically... but also just the little things. Summer days, visits from extended family, and plans for more travel soon.

It's only about 2 weeks until Gwen and I start heading East. I'm so excited to see Panda (who moved to AK from Colorado earlier this year), do some camping, and of course, see my parents!! It is getting harder and harder to leave Daisy behind (even when we're leaving her with Travis!), the older she gets. At least this time I'll be coming back with a new tattoo... of Daisy! It will be nice to have days that feel like our old summer days.

We've all been feeling the stress a bit lately. Balancing work with Gwen home for the summer, and suddenly even having a few extra things to do seems like so much to do after over a year of just, not doing things. This too will pass, but a few weeks of travel and visiting is just what the doctor ordered, I think. Then when we get home, its only 3 weeks until Middle School! 😵 Its hard to wrap my head around that. 

Its hard to figure out what to write... there's so much in my head that its hard to even organize it in any way. But I wanted to at least check in. Happy June y'all.

Gwen finished Elementary School on the last Friday of May (my baby 😭), and boy did I feel some feelings about that. But in all our wisdom we had planned a trip, our first as a family since pre-pandemic!, to visit with Travis's family in Arizona for the very next week. This is the first road trip Travis has joined us on in a while... and, Daisy joined us too. It was so fun to go somewhere with all of us (especially as Daisy gets older, its harder to leave her behind... even with people she loves, and who love her).

It was 50°s and raining when we left Colorado... which made for an interesting and extreme adjustment to the very dry and 102° temps in Arizona! But, luck for us, Nana and PopPop have a pool. In fact, Gwen spent at least some time in that pool every single day in AZ. 

What else did we do? Well, we ate and read, walked around town, and took a pretty amazing cruise around Lake Saguaro.

The pictures are all kinds of mish-mashed, but hey, I'm here and writing something I want to remember! So I'm not too worries. Ha!

So I've said it before, I'm really a forest/mountain girl, but I'll admit that the desert has a strange and lovely beauty to it, so different from anywhere else. 

I'm so glad we got to see Trav's parents, it was a really lovely trip.

I drove the trip down straight through, leaving early and arriving after dinner; but we broke the ride home up into two days. We drove to Sante Fe, visited our favorite dinner, then drove the rest of the way home the next day.

It was so nice to see people again, to get on the road again. Thankfully, this summer Gwen and I will hop in the car again to travel to the East Coast! And hopefully I'll even get around to writing about that too  😉

Dear Gwenie - my Baby, 

Eleven feels so old to me, maybe because I can still remember vividly so many of the things that I felt and experienced in the days surrounding your birth. Maybe because I've been attending some births lately, and you are just so BIG compared to those little babies. A large part is just how much growth you've shown this year. 

This year brought an anxiety and depression diagnosis that knocked us all over, in addition to everything else that happened in this world (a pandemic! a very violent and charged election!)... but you! you managed to take those diagnoses and use them to grow. You handled them with more grace and fortitude then many adults could have. Learning what tools work for you to manage them, you turned them from a negative into just another part of the amazing you. To say I'm proud  (and impressed) would be an understatement.

Then there was that darn pandemic. We've spent more time at home in the past year then we probably have in all of the 4 previous years combined. Our big summer trip was cancelled, which was hard for us all. But we made it work. Thankfully we had snuck a ski trip in before everything shut down, so you got to see your cousin, Aunt, and Uncle, and had that fun... but it was hard for you not to head to the East Coast. 

 

That difficulty was nothing though next to virtual school. Oooo boy, was that a challenge! We made it work though, and I think after everything 2020 held, we became a much better team. Thankfully when this school year started (5th Grade! last year in Elementary School), they had all new plans in place, and most of the year has gotten to be in person... which a few weeks of much smoother and easier virtual in there.

We found new ways to have fun, spending lots of summer time outdoors, exploring our local trails. We took a really fun weekend to car camp at a nearby campground that we hadn't visited before, and it ended up being such fun! As it got cooler, we went on another camping trip with the three of us, and took drives into the mountains to see the colors. While we all missed our normal cross-country experience, we found safe ways to still get our adventuring in.

You spend this year working your way through Invisalign treatment, again, something that so many adults struggle through, and you just rocked it! Your adaptability will be one of your biggest strengths in life, and I hope you never lose that. And... treatment paid off! Not only do you have a lovely straight smile, but more importantly, first the first time since your first two loose teeth, you lost baby teeth without issue and had the adult teeth come in just as easily. What a win to NOT have to get teeth pulled.

Penny, our bubble family's baby, was born a month after your last birthday, and you have been so sweet to watch with her. You are playful and gentle, and no one (outside of her Mommy and Daddy) can get her to laugh they way she does for you. It's fun watching you play that big sister role. I think we've all wondered how you would feel in that role at times, and this has been the best of both worlds... getting to see you get to love on a "little sister", but then we all get to go home! 😁 Ha!



Many of your interests remain the same: you love fantasy and magic (Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings), reading (graphic novels especially - Lumberjanes and Last Kids on Earth are favs), drawing, travel and adventure, and music. You've found new ways to entertain them: recently you were taught how to play D&D, and boy did you love that! It's the perfect combination of fantasy, magic, creation, adventure... and thankfully for you, your Dad, Aunt Ffion, and Aunt Elise all love to play too! So you have enjoyed some amazing adventures and travel right in our living room! 

Which brings up a big, delightful change from this year: your Aunt Ffion and Aunt Elise moved here!! I always joked that Colorado would be perfect if only I could pick up my family and move them here. Well, that happened at least in part, this past year. You could not have been more excited, and we've joined them for appropriately masked and distanced walks and celebrations. Since your birthday and Ffion's birthday are less then 2 weeks apart we celebrated with a fun horseback trail ride with all of us. It was a beautiful day, and embodied some much of what I had wished and hoped for, for over 5 years now!

Your love of music has grown even deeper this year, as you've learned its value in helping to express emotions and handle hard moments. Its become a valuable tool, and some of your favorite songs are You Will Be Found (from the Dear Evan Hanson soundtrack) and This Is Me (from The Greatest Showman), but you enjoy just about any music. Recently you asked for some Heavy Metal, and then pulled up Five Finger Death Punch all on your own (you have the Pandora app on your phone).

You have such a deep and abiding love of animals... this isn't new, but maybe even more so this year. Your pup friends are some of your favorites. Daisy of course, but also Becca's dog Hank (who is the office dog!), James's dog Lilly, and then the friendly squirrels that come on our porch to say hi regularly.

Gwenie, my love, its so hard to sum up everything from this past year. Normally I write your letter slowly over a month or two, and I have lots of posts to look back on to help me remember; but this year is just so different then most. My own depression stole away much of my desire and ability to write posts, while the pandemic took away a lot of my normal material to write about. I'm writing this as we sit at home together, the day before your birthday. Celebration this year will be Chinese takeout (your choice) with Ffion and Elise, and a quiet day at home building Lego presents and reading new books. Its all so very different.

(One thing, thankfully the same... they found safe ways to reopen the slopes! And you are better then ever on the skis!)

For everything we've got through this past year, and everything new that's happened, one thing remains unchanged: I am so so damn grateful that I get to be your Mama, and that you love me so deeply. I love you my Babes, to the deepest depth of me. Thank you for being you.

 

Best Gwenie I ever had, 

Mama