Written in January of 2021, shared now. 

 

The day we left Pennsylvania to move seventeen hundred miles away, I banished the words never and always from my vocabulary. I had spend my thirty-something years up until that point knowing, with a certainty that only the young possess, that I would live out my days in my home state (Pee-Aaa – as us locals called it). 

My husband and I were born in that same state, but almost three hundred miles apart, meeting in college. While travel was in our blood, and we visited as many states and countries as possible with our limited budget, our home state on the East Coast felt safe and comfortable. I didn’t think I needed to live anywhere else. But life has other plans, and when our daughter was five, we picked up and found our way to Colorado. Our Pennsylvania mountains suddenly looked like the quaintest little hills, as we climbed up and up to almost six thousand feet high, with the Rocky Mountains still towering above us. As the air got thinner, we felt lighter. Our excitement was so rich we could taste it! Everything was new and fresh. It stayed that way for a few weeks.

The first thing I missed was our family and friends. One too many moments of thinking, “I’ll have to take this to Mom,” or wanting to get away for an afternoon with my close girlfriend. A date night with my husband at our favorite local sushi joint; we had no one to leave our daughter with.

Then it was our yard, with a large shade tree, and our small but lovingly created, raised bed garden. Neighbors on both sides grew tomatoes, and whatever came through the fence was ours to pick, while we passed over peppers, herbs, and squash. I had taken for granted the ability to open our back door and watch our black lab shoot out to run off her zoomies or use the bathroom without our presence needed. I longed for picnics in the soft autumn sun, snowball fights in the winter, the smell of my lilacs in their first bloom, and shrieks of delight from my daughter as cold hose water peppered her summer sun kissed skin. 

I knew my sadness was complete when I even missed our chilly, unfinished basement; and with it, my ability to nestle bottles of infusions down there, where they could lay undisturbed, letting their magic happen.

It took a year to make friends that we could get together with regularly, three years to feel like this new place was home, even more to stop having those pangs of longing for our birth state. But the funniest thing happened once I lost this idea of a forever home: suddenly I felt unmoored. As settled as we were, as happy in our adopted state, I had this notion that there was no longer one distinct place that I belonged. Pennsylvania was no longer it, with every visit showing more and more things that changed, taking was it is further and further from what I remembered it to be. Colorado, with its focus on if you’re a “native” born and raised, or an import; well, I would always be a non-native.

During this time, I found myself in a cycle: buy “what I’m missing”, trying to build these images from my head of what I wanted our house to look like… then purging old items trying to make room. I thought, if I could just build the right routines, shape the space around me, then everything inside would finally feel settled. No matter what I bought though, as beautiful as those things were, it never quite turned into what I was trying to create. You can’t buy your way into “home.” Our small apartment just wasn’t capable of being all I needed. There just wasn’t space for rows of herbs infusing in bottles on shelves, a full wall of bookshelves, composting, gardening, an alter, space for yoga. At least not while also meeting the needs of the rest of the family (so very many Legos!). Our world felt small, our apartment smaller; it was where we lived, not our home.

As I started to doubt our home, I started to doubt myself and all I believed I needed to be happy. What did I look like when cut off from all that had been? Who was I in this cramped space within a wide open area, unfamiliar and new? 

So, we started to fill our school breaks with travel, checking off state after state, visiting National Parks, friends and family around the country, camping along the way. I was searching for so much, and we found more then I expected. We found adventure, explored forests, deserts, plains, shorelines, and mountains related and different from our own. Food tastes different over the campfire, and my daughter expanded her palate, willing to try things on the road that didn’t appeal to her at home. We put miles and miles under our feet, first with my daughter holding my hand, then in time with her leading the way. The stars ran around the sky and while every night (every location) was a little different, we could always find the recognizable constellations to let us know that we still belonged under them, blanketed in their familiarity.

Most of all, we found more groundedness in our travels. The farther we went, the more home felt like Home when we returned. Colorado was our anchor.

Maya Angelou tells us, “The ache for home lives in all of us.” While I still hope to cultivate the home I visualized – in fact, we hope to buy a house this year, with a yard all our own – I now have come to understand that time and emotional space are just as, if not more important, then physical space. It might have taken me dozens of states to figure it out, but it’s a lesson my daughter gets to experience with me first hand, and hopefully a knowledge she will take with her no matter where she roams. I hope she goes far, knowing this home waits for her, but so do dozens of other homes around our country and around our world. That home is not the plates in the cabinets, but the sensation of belonging. I still work to find that peace in myself, but I’m getting closer each day… not with the things I buy or make for our dwelling, but the memories we foster here. And when we need that reminder, its only a camping trip away!

“A bird in a nest is secure, but that is not why God gave it wings.”  -  Matshona Dhliwayo 

Dear Gwenie - my Baby, 

Eleven feels so old to me, maybe because I can still remember vividly so many of the things that I felt and experienced in the days surrounding your birth. Maybe because I've been attending some births lately, and you are just so BIG compared to those little babies. A large part is just how much growth you've shown this year. 

This year brought an anxiety and depression diagnosis that knocked us all over, in addition to everything else that happened in this world (a pandemic! a very violent and charged election!)... but you! you managed to take those diagnoses and use them to grow. You handled them with more grace and fortitude then many adults could have. Learning what tools work for you to manage them, you turned them from a negative into just another part of the amazing you. To say I'm proud  (and impressed) would be an understatement.

Then there was that darn pandemic. We've spent more time at home in the past year then we probably have in all of the 4 previous years combined. Our big summer trip was cancelled, which was hard for us all. But we made it work. Thankfully we had snuck a ski trip in before everything shut down, so you got to see your cousin, Aunt, and Uncle, and had that fun... but it was hard for you not to head to the East Coast. 

 

That difficulty was nothing though next to virtual school. Oooo boy, was that a challenge! We made it work though, and I think after everything 2020 held, we became a much better team. Thankfully when this school year started (5th Grade! last year in Elementary School), they had all new plans in place, and most of the year has gotten to be in person... which a few weeks of much smoother and easier virtual in there.

We found new ways to have fun, spending lots of summer time outdoors, exploring our local trails. We took a really fun weekend to car camp at a nearby campground that we hadn't visited before, and it ended up being such fun! As it got cooler, we went on another camping trip with the three of us, and took drives into the mountains to see the colors. While we all missed our normal cross-country experience, we found safe ways to still get our adventuring in.

You spend this year working your way through Invisalign treatment, again, something that so many adults struggle through, and you just rocked it! Your adaptability will be one of your biggest strengths in life, and I hope you never lose that. And... treatment paid off! Not only do you have a lovely straight smile, but more importantly, first the first time since your first two loose teeth, you lost baby teeth without issue and had the adult teeth come in just as easily. What a win to NOT have to get teeth pulled.

Penny, our bubble family's baby, was born a month after your last birthday, and you have been so sweet to watch with her. You are playful and gentle, and no one (outside of her Mommy and Daddy) can get her to laugh they way she does for you. It's fun watching you play that big sister role. I think we've all wondered how you would feel in that role at times, and this has been the best of both worlds... getting to see you get to love on a "little sister", but then we all get to go home! 😁 Ha!



Many of your interests remain the same: you love fantasy and magic (Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings), reading (graphic novels especially - Lumberjanes and Last Kids on Earth are favs), drawing, travel and adventure, and music. You've found new ways to entertain them: recently you were taught how to play D&D, and boy did you love that! It's the perfect combination of fantasy, magic, creation, adventure... and thankfully for you, your Dad, Aunt Ffion, and Aunt Elise all love to play too! So you have enjoyed some amazing adventures and travel right in our living room! 

Which brings up a big, delightful change from this year: your Aunt Ffion and Aunt Elise moved here!! I always joked that Colorado would be perfect if only I could pick up my family and move them here. Well, that happened at least in part, this past year. You could not have been more excited, and we've joined them for appropriately masked and distanced walks and celebrations. Since your birthday and Ffion's birthday are less then 2 weeks apart we celebrated with a fun horseback trail ride with all of us. It was a beautiful day, and embodied some much of what I had wished and hoped for, for over 5 years now!

Your love of music has grown even deeper this year, as you've learned its value in helping to express emotions and handle hard moments. Its become a valuable tool, and some of your favorite songs are You Will Be Found (from the Dear Evan Hanson soundtrack) and This Is Me (from The Greatest Showman), but you enjoy just about any music. Recently you asked for some Heavy Metal, and then pulled up Five Finger Death Punch all on your own (you have the Pandora app on your phone).

You have such a deep and abiding love of animals... this isn't new, but maybe even more so this year. Your pup friends are some of your favorites. Daisy of course, but also Becca's dog Hank (who is the office dog!), James's dog Lilly, and then the friendly squirrels that come on our porch to say hi regularly.

Gwenie, my love, its so hard to sum up everything from this past year. Normally I write your letter slowly over a month or two, and I have lots of posts to look back on to help me remember; but this year is just so different then most. My own depression stole away much of my desire and ability to write posts, while the pandemic took away a lot of my normal material to write about. I'm writing this as we sit at home together, the day before your birthday. Celebration this year will be Chinese takeout (your choice) with Ffion and Elise, and a quiet day at home building Lego presents and reading new books. Its all so very different.

(One thing, thankfully the same... they found safe ways to reopen the slopes! And you are better then ever on the skis!)

For everything we've got through this past year, and everything new that's happened, one thing remains unchanged: I am so so damn grateful that I get to be your Mama, and that you love me so deeply. I love you my Babes, to the deepest depth of me. Thank you for being you.

 

Best Gwenie I ever had, 

Mama

Just like every year this one passed both in the blink of an eye, and took a few years to get through. The Winter Olympics were this year guys! How is that possible! We fit in so much, and Colorado (three years in) continues to be such an amazing place for us.

This year I experienced: 

Concerts - 9! Plus 2 Musicals (Hamilton and Dear Evan Hansen), 1 Orchestra Performance, and a Christmas Show 
Doula Clients - 1 birth, 1 due, many back up on call days
Framily Dinners - 6 since August 
Hair Colors - too many to count! (this was the year I cut my hair!) 
Planes Jumped Out Of - 2
SuperBowls the Eagles Won - 1!! 
Tattoos - 3 new, 1 rejuvenated 
Travel - 1 flight out East, 1 to Hawaii, 1 International flight (for me - Mexico), 5 new states (something like 20 states total)

Yoga - 100s of hours taught between 6 different classes, with one new studio; and my first regular private lessons

There is already so much to look forward to in 2019. We already have 3 friends set to visit! Stella will be out in January for skiing, my girl Elise is coming out to camp with me in May, and my Babwa will be here to hit up a concert with me, also in May!! Speaking of concerts, we already have tickets to 4 so far (P!nk in March, Walk Off the Earth in May, Nahko in June, and KISS in September); plus Potted Potter (a Harry Potter Musical) in March! Fingers crossed for Dispatch tickets soon. We already have tattoo appointments scheduled, and are going to get to redeem 2 jumps out of planes! There will be travel, of course, exact summer plans to be decided... but I'm looking at a trip to Texas for Spring Break in March, and maybe one up North at some point too.

What are you excited for in 2019?

My dad stayed behind at the door while I headed to the car. He said he had something to tell my best friend's grandmother, who watched up during those summer days while we swam, played video games and barbies, and ate as many cheese balls as we could. I was surprised to find my mother in the car waiting for me, but I can't remember now if I knew right then that something was very wrong. I knew fast enough, as my mom told me that my grandmother was gone.

My sadness, my shock, my disbelief were immense. While I don't remember the words, I know my mom comforted me, held me close, cried with me.

I was recently struck so hard by this memory, that it brought tears to my eyes as effectively as if I'd been punched. What struck me the hardest though was not even the loss of my grandmother (whom I still miss all these years later), but my mom's loss. This juxtaposition of my mom's own pain with my pain; this realization that through her own grief, she still helped me to manage mine.

I never thought about that before, until my eyes became the eyes of a mother; and even then, still not until my grandmother was on my mind for other reasons. It was a new spin on, and a new dimension, to my grief that I hadn't previously explored... and I'm almost grateful for it.


My grandmother's memorial was a small event held at my grandparent's home, on a blanket in their yard, on a beautifully sunlit day. My Uncle's and parents talked about my grandmother, remembering her as she would have wanted - with tears for sure, but also with laughter and smiles.

Gwen's last day of school was Friday, and thus starts the summer!

First Day of School...

Last Day of School!

I cannot believe how this year flew by. It was a great one. We loved her teacher, continue to love her school, and were impressed with the new things she learned. She continues to excel in math, reading, and art; and loved being able to be part of GT (gifted and talented). 


 We've already hit up the pool multiple times and have so much fun stuff planned for the next few months. I can't wait to share it all with you.

I recently decided to look up an event from a few years ago, I wanted to be reminded of some details. What I found in my search, was so many posts with so many memories!


Post that remind me of how far I've come:

An Honest Post about Loneliness

“For West is where we all plan to go some day.*"

On Never Having Another: Grieving What You Don't Want

Things About Colorado


Posts that make me feel sad, wistful, and happy all at the same time:

the memory of her smell

life and death and everything in between

summertime in the country


Posts that show me some things remain the same:

6 Things You May Not Know About Me

The Subjectiveness of Time

things will bloom

CM: memories of Mama


And posts that just make me smile:

The 5 Best Things about Surrogacy


I'm so grateful for this blog. I'm grateful for the outlet, for the memories it keeps for me. Thank you for being a part of that.

Dear Gwenivere,
Today you turn 8 years old. Everyday you are getting bigger, more mature, and more opinionated, so for maybe the first time ever, I have no disbelief at the age you've turned. I've been wanting to call you eight for months now, and you've come so far from when you first turned 7.


This year you hit a number of milestones. Pretty quickly after your birthday last year we finally switched you to a full sized bed... something that was long overdue and really nice for all of us! Bedtime reading and snuggles are much easier now that we actually fit on your bed with you.


You also lost your first tooth halfway through the year, then pretty quickly afterwards your second tooth, a very exciting development for you! Ever since your cousin, Wyatt, lost his first tooth at Cape Cod, you had been waiting for your turn.


There are so many little things too, things that are harder to label or define... but you grasp emotions and concepts so much better then before. You take responsibility for things and want to be helpful (most of the time).


You also feel things incredibly strongly which can be hard for you, and us, to manage sometimes.


But what comes through most is how much you love your family. You love us with wild abandon, and crashing waves of affection.


You continue to be an amazing traveler, entertaining yourself in the car, helping with the tent, and loving all the new things you get to see.



You have a preference for caves and stone houses (New Mexico and Mesa Verde for example), but also absolutely love water in all its forms.


You love animals of all stripes, and have expressed the desire to learn to ride horses.


You are one of the coolest people I know, Gwen, and its been my constant mission to help you continue to always embrace your uniqueness. All the amazing little quirks that make you, you.


You are strong and flexible, you are soft and tough. Your blue eyes and killer smile light up a room!


You are dresses and long hair, and also Star Wars and LEGOs. You continue to be enthralled by Harry Potter, and really love all movies.


You've gotten braver this year, learning to trust your strength and face your fears. At times though, you've also let your fears overcome you, and I'm glad that you still find comfort just by having your Dad or myself present in those moment.




You love new adventures, but also thrive on routine. Your favorite way to start the day is with a cartoon (or two) while you eat breakfast.




But load you up in the car and you're willing to forget all that for the chance to check out something new and amazing.



You've gotten better about trying new foods this year, but you definitely have favorites: tacos, steak, white rice, green beans, chicken nuggets, and french fries. And "junk" of course (any dessert type food!). Ice cream and Icees are especially loved.



This year you kept up with swim into the fall, your second full year of it, but then made the decision to take a break from it. You weren't enjoying it so much anymore, despite your continued love of water and swimming itself, the lessons just weren't fun for you. So we stopped.


But this winter you took up skiing with a passion! By only your second time on the slope you were zipping down the mountain better then I can.


I'm so glad that you and your Dad can share this special bond/activity!



Lately you've been sad, and it absolutely breaks my heart to type that. I know that during your life there are going to be many points of sadness, ups and downs and trials, because that's life... but its never not going to hurt my Mama heart to witness it.


I wish I could take away your pain, and put it all on me. Especially because I've been there before. I've felt the hurt of thinking that I have no friends, I've experienced the sting of thinking that I'm not good enough. So let me tell you right here and now, your feels are valid, you are allowed to feel them, and I will always be here to listen to them.


That said, baby, you are so loved. I don't think you realize right now just how your smile lights up a room, I don't think you know just how strong and powerful you are, I don't think you know how much I admire your fierce determination and drive (even when it drives me a little crazy).


Sometimes people don't understand you when you have such a fire for life, but please don't lose that! True friends will love and admire you exactly as you are, and that fire will help you immensely as you grow. And the other people, well its important to know that not everyone has to like you! It is okay! You can't please everyone, baby, so the best thing is to stay true to yourself.



I am so honored, lucky, blessed to have you call me Mama. I'm so proud that you are my girl.

Love you forever,
Mama