So I'll admit, I'm out of practice in remembering to come here lately. Sitting down to write post used to be a regular part of my routine, but, well routine has been ever changing lately. I started a new job a few weeks ago, and I'm still learning how to make it all work together. So far I've just given up on keeping my house clean 😄 BUT! It's Spring Break week for Gwen, so there's a little extra time. I plan to use that to finally do Gwen's birthday interview (whoops), play catch up here, and maybe even vacuum (maybe).

First off, Gwen went in for her 11 year check up and shots, and she is now 4'7"... aka only a little over a half a foot away from my height! My days are numbered. She's healthy and coming around to the idea of being 11, now that the shots involved are behind her.

Its been a pretty crazy few weeks. Amanda Panda (one of my bffs) and her family moved to Arkansas. It's so crazy saying goodbye to them and not knowing exactly when the next time is that we'll see them. Thankfully they are a drivable distance away, but our weekly framily dinners had become such an important touch-point for us in the quarantine, and its been such a joy to watch Penny grow. It is an adjustment... one we can do, and that will be amazing for their family, but its been sad too.

We also just passed through the 4th largest blizzard in Colorado history, which was intense for a day, but fine otherwise. It was over a foot in about a day, but the next day was in the 40s, and everything started melting!

I've had 2 doula babies born in the past 4 months, and have another due next month, and it has been wonderful and intense and beautiful beyond measure. I'm so excited to take a break for the summer, but hoping to fill up for the Autumn!

We've also been the house of dogs lately! We've found ourselves puppysitting for a two coworker's pups, and its been a fun - and exhausting! - treat.

Daisy is not 100% sure on it, but we've been giving her lots of reassuring snuggles and love.

I know there is more... so much more! Some of it I can't share yet, some is still in process, some I just can't think of, and I need to get some work done. But I got here, and that's a start. I'll try to do it more regularly.

 

I meant to be back sooner, but between the world burning, and the holidays, well here we are just a few days shy of half-way through January! No big resolutions for me this year, instead just a promise to treat myself with kindness and get back to the things that make me feel best. I'm taking my vitamins regularly again, eating a more veggie focused diet, and aiming to just move more (not to mention lifting as soon as humanly possible).

It helps that starting today Gwen is back in-person at school (masked up!), meaning an actual routine and schedule. They all started back virtually for the first few days, and now they are back all the way. I'm excited for time and quiet to handle our day-to-day... its nice to not feel like I'm constantly listening for her.

 

Christmas and New Years have come and gone, so crazy to think they are already weeks behind us. I hope to have more to share soon, but for now I'm plugging along with mostly virtual classes, and looking forward to vaccines, a change in President, and hopefully more time with friends and family this year. Also working to manifest a house this year, we are ready for it.

Did you make resolutions? What are your 2021 hopes?

The beautiful thing about how open my schedule is right now, is that when Gwen's school calls and says her stomach is bothering her, I can easily put aside the rest of my day's plans to pop over and grab her. (Don't worry, it was nothing.) This year I'm not pushing things. I'm giving her afternoons off to recover when she needs them, and taking my own days easy. School has been fine so far. She's having the normal getting her brain back into school mode adjustments, but we're getting used to the new routine. 

Its September now, and I'm so grateful for its arrival. Only 2.5 weeks until its officially Autumn, and while our feast will take place on the first day, decor will be going up early!! 

I've been cooking again, and it feels really good to enjoy my time in the kitchen once more. I had lost that enjoyment months ago... I felt like I was cooking the same things over and over. So, in case you're there too, or just looking for food ideas, here's what we've been cooking lately, that has me excited: 

- Potato/Leek Soup
- Beef Bourguignon (this recipe)
- Beef Brisket
- Kale Salad
- Fish Tacos with Chili-Lime Slaw
- Homemade Soy Ramen

Up soon: 

- Cinnamon-Bacon Carbonara (this recipe)
- Roasted Pork Shoulder
- Potstickers
- Lasagna

I wish I had more actual recipes for you, but I eyeball everything! (Happy to give more details if you ask thought!)  What are you cooking? 

What's making you happy lately?

I'm sitting on my couch enjoying a quiet moment with some podcast listening and planning. I went through the other day and created a little schedule for myself to plan ahead a bit on classes that I'm teaching, going to be teaching, possibly teaching, and spaces I'd love to fit in classes. I added in my therapy appointments, hopeful gym days and classes to take, school drop offs and pick-ups, and days to the regular chores and errands. I also added in writing time because I want to get back here more. In some ways its all so overwhelming, even when its great and exciting, but it felt good to get it down and see how it works - even if a lot of it is theoretical at the moment! It doesn't hurt that I color-coded the different time blocks. Ha! 

So many complicated emotions around Gwen going back to school, and teaching again, but at least for now, I'm going to embrace the amazing joy and freedom that comes with having free time to myself again. I think I'm going to plan to take a page from my friend's book, and take a walk around our apartment to grade the different areas. Any areas that get an F, will get immediate attention, moving my way through. We'll see how that plays out, but I'm excited to get things into shape again around here. Things are not normal, but I'm excited for some new routine.

I'm counting down to autumn, to routine, to all of this newness to be past. What are you enjoying right now? What are you counting down to?

 

As you all know, life has turned upside down in the past few months, and writing has gotten hard for me. I don't know what to say because life is a groundhogs day marathon, but I wanted to write because this place is my memory bank, my record keeper, and for my future self, for Gwen (if she's interested) I want to having something here for what we were doing, thinking, and feeling during month 320 5 of COVID.


As I wrote before, my main yoga studio closed permanently because of COVID, but new since then is that the city decided to officially lay off all of its furloughed employees (which was a gut punch). Nothing really changed in my day-to-day because of that, but it was sad and hard to hit the "delete this and all future events" on my classes that I had been working so hard to build, including the one that had been my first official teaching gig. Whenever the city decides to restart classes, we'll be getting calls to see if we want to be rehired, but they are saying March at the earliest and they might not chose to bring them all back, so who knows. The only class I have right now, which I just started teaching last week, is a subbing gig that will only last until maybe October? So I'm working to rebuild. I just joined a doula on-call program, which I'm excited about, and I'm interviewing with potential doula clients. I added a online partner doula class, intended to help partners feel more comfortable and prepared for the labor room. I'm contacting tons of yoga studios to see who is looking, and hoping to get some more private clients. I also want to record classes to get online, in the hopes that I can get a little bit of "passive" income going, but that has proven to be one annoyance after another, so we'll see what happens. I'm hoping in the end this will mean some new amazing classes, and a schedule that is more purposeful and sustainable then my old one was, with an even better balance of yoga and doula.


Summer has looked pretty different. It has been very centered around our apartment. Gwen gets to play outside with some friends, and goes down to walk in the creek a bunch. We try to hit up the pool semi-regularly (they're doing a great job with 2-hour time slots, and capped admittance). Her days have looked a lot more like my old summers then our recent summers. I haven't been teaching, and we haven't been traveling. School is scheduled to start August 17 (Monday!), and as of when I scheduled this post, Gwen will be going in person. I'm completely torn on it with so many pros and so so many cons for all of the options. They might have - between scheduling and publishing - decided to start everyone remote, but as of this moment, they are set to go in person, with a staggered first week (so everyone can get used to the new guidelines in smaller groups). Gwen and I have had lots of talks about how in-person won't look the same as it used to, and that remote won't be as haphazard as it was at the end of last year, but both of us are dreading having to do virtual learning for our own reasons (which I'm assuming we'll have to do at some point). I guess my newly mostly unemployed status will be helpful there at least. (Yay?)




Trav and I have tried to do little special things with her, like the above hatchback picnic she and I did the other evening. Dinners with our "bubble family", ice cream desserts. And (yay for orthodontics), she lost a tooth the other day... all on her own, without getting "shark teeth" or having to have anything pulled.

Daisy probably deserves her own post, but to sum it up: the tumor she had removed from her foot returned. We won't be doing another surgery. There was only about 6 months between her original surgery with its hard and long recover, and the initial reappearance of the tumor. It is growing and spreading quickly, as anticipated, but we are trying a few things to see how much time we can give her. She is happy, loving, and otherwise nonplussed (other then her annoyance that we won't let her lick the thing); and we're hoping that we have as much furry, slobbery time with her as possible. (Please no armchair pet owners, everything we've decided has been in consultation with, and has the agreement of, her vet.)


My mental health was really, really bad for a while in there, because of everything above, plus our canceled summer trip, but also because of some old trauma coming up, combine with feelings I've been having surrounding my sexuality, and my purpose. That said, I've been seeing a new therapist for over a month now, and love them so so much. They are everything my old therapist wasn't, and I've already dove into so much more depth with them, then I have in all therapy before. It feels amazing, and I finally feel super heard. I still have bad days, but overall feel a lot more even keeled.

Overall, I'm trying to see this whole year as a burning everything down to reset and restart (a la our move to Colorado) vs a lost of 5 years of hard work and building. That's easier some day than others, but I'm trying!! And that is the mindset I'm trying to hold as I enter my own new year... turning 38 tomorrow! Happy Birthday to me, and here's to rebuilding with purpose in my own new year.

First let me say that I did a whole post on privilege, and all the ways I am truly lucky during this time.

View this post on Instagram

Quarantine is a huge game changer for all of us. It’s overwhelming, but I’ve realized lately just how lucky my family is in a lot of ways. Here’s ways that I’m recognizing my privilege while in quarantine: 1) while finances are a bit stressful and things will be tight for a few months, I don’t have to worry about putting food on the table or paying the rent; 2) I don’t have to worry about what people think when I’m wearing a face mask in public. There are very real fears for POC that I don’t have to deal with, and that is a damn privilege; 3) while my working is cut way way down, my husband is still able to work; 4) it’s hard being in charge of Gwens school stuff at home, but we have multiple types of laptop/computer options for her to use, as well as internet access; 5) we live in a suburban area that allows us to easily get outside without being within 6ft+ of other people, so Gwen can run, jump, and play outdoors; 6) I have a partner who shares in the work, parenting, financial responsibility; and an amazing online community that I can connect with, reach out to, and gain comfort from. I’m not alone in this; 7) and I have an established physical practice that I can utilize at home, without equipment, to help keep moving, and center myself. I’m seeing a lot of people  talk about seeing this as a positive - and I encourage everyone to do that as much as possible within their own circumstances! - but I also encourage my friends who are middle-class, partnered, white, home owners, still working, to see the privilege they are coming from. And if someone is NOT in a place to “see the positive” then let’s respect the hell out of that. I’ve been helping collect some money to pass on to yoga teachers I work with (🙌🏻🙌🏻 to @therealyogimuse who started this!), who aren’t in the position I’m in right now, and have been grateful to be able to pass on $100 to two teachers so far. If you’d like to contribute, Venmo is @ Megan-K-Hannan - note “Yogi Relief Fund”. Thank you to all who’ve helped so far!!

A post shared by Meegs (@tattooedmeegs) on Apr 8, 2020 at 9:35am PDT

I know how lucky I am, how very much worse things could be, but in the interest of full disclosure, and memory keeping, I want to be really honest here. To be a little shorter about it, I want to bitch!

1) I'm what you would call an ambivert... and I realize the further we get into quarantine just how true that label is. I feel like I both never get alone time, and never get that group time with friends and students either. I'm left feeling drained, and find myself short with my family. I crave a whole day alone in the house, and then hours and hours out with friends.

2) Notice how I said house above? What I meant was apartment. Stupid, small apartment, with no yard. Its so dumb, this really is a beautiful apartment, but we already were so ready to be in a house, and this just reinforced it. I want a yard I can release Gwen and Daisy into, a want just a little more space inside, so I don't have to rearrange everything in the living room to make enough space for my yoga mat, just a little more for us to spread out and not be so on top of each other all. the. time. So that Gwen could enjoy her habit of very loudly singing the same 2 lines of a song 500 times in a row somewhere not 3 feet from me. I so desperately wish I were doing random house projects, and preparing garden beds for planting.

3) Not that I could be preparing garden beds right now anyway, since Colorado gifted us with snow and cold temps this week. So outside isn't happening so much. Grrrrr. But we have been gifted with random things to fix, as things just keep breaking! Things we would normally call maintenance for, we're now struggling to fix, since they aren't "emergencies" but they also aren't things we can live with for endless weeks on end.

4) My insomnia has kicked up a notch, which is just so fun. I've also been unable to force myself to wake up early when there is just no real reason too. I am 100% a night owl, so I just keep staying up way too late. So I'm tired.

5) I'm not so good at this holding Gwen's hand through online learning thing. The first week was okay, the second one horrible. This third week has been better. I fear that our patience will only shrink, but hopefully instead we find a pace and a routine with it. We have the rest of the school year to figure it out, as Gwen won't physically go back until next school year. The poor girl misses her friends and teachers. 

6) Besides just my ambiverted suffering, we are simply stressed out, and getting on each other's nerves. I'm more touched out then I've been since Gwen was a baby, and our tempers are all short. We're not moving enough, we're bored. We haven't eaten at a table in weeks because our dining room is a home office currently. While rent and food aren't a problem, its still worrisome to have our income more then halved, and more then that is the uncertainty about when it will end. Not to mention, this income situation doesn't exactly bring that house thing any closer.

Despite all the above, I really am trying to stay positive, but I want to be honest about where I really am with all this. While I'm lucky and privileged enough to be okay, I'm also struggling. I'm sad and frustrated much of the time, feeling aimless and annoyed with myself for it. I "know" that this will pass, and in the long run will only be a very small part of our lives, but "knowing" and knowing are two very different things right now.

How are you doing in all this?

Does anyone remember when January felt ages long, well March really took the cake didn't it? But 5 years into 2020, and it is finally April. I'm writing this from the couch, in between online classes, while Gwen Zoom meets with her classmates, and Trav is on a conference call. What a brave new world we're living in. Gwen is out of school until May at least, and its looking more and more like it might end up being until the end of the year. We'll see what happens.

We started online school with Gwen this week, and there was definitely a learning curve. It will get easier, I know, but yikes. Thankfully my first virtual class went much smoother.

How are you all handling this quarantine situation, honestly? For the most part things here are going really well, but that doesn't mean that we're all doing well with it all of the time. Its starting to feel more familiar and normal, but its still hard, and when days come up that we would have been doing something fun, its hard not to feel down about it. But we press on. We've been moving our bodies more, getting fresh air on the balcony and by walking the dog as much as the weather cooperates, and that helps a lot. What's helping you through this?

Sending out lots of love over these virtual channels to those who need it right now.

There were all these great schedules going around facebook... but that really doesn't work for Gwen and I. Instead, this gives her the freedom to chose what she wants to work on when. It gets her 1) moving, 2) reading, 3) doing a little bit of math, and 4) helping out around the house. I'm not a school teacher, or a homeschooling parent, and I'm not expected to become one overnight. This is our happy medium, and its been working beautifully!


Updated 3/22: 

Sometimes the days just get too busy, and things get so rushed. We get tired, cranky, overwhelmed. Often we just chug through, because we know it will pass even if it sucks in the moment. Sometimes though I make the executive decision to let Gwen sleep, knowing she'll be a little late to school, but knowing too that her mental and physical health are more important then one hour of missed school. So she sleeps in, for the first time in ages, then we eat breakfast together on the porch with no rush.


The days are still too full, there's still so much to do, but for just a few moments, we slow down and take the time to just be together. And sometimes that's enough. 💜

We've completed two weeks back to school, and we're settling into the comforting routine of it all. It feels good, the time I have back to myself, the ease of teaching without having to worry about dragging someone else around or dropping them off/picking them up. I love the routine of morning, time to drink my green tea on the balcony, walking Gwen to school. We're trying something new this year, at Gwen's request, and its been working out really well. She's getting to be so grown up and responsible, and I think this has been the easiest back to school adjustment yet.

The only thing off about it is the still very warm weather we've been having (lots of days in the 90s), which my body is confused by. School = Autumn to me, so my body is craving that delicious, cooler, crisp Autumn weather. Mabon, the Autumn Equinox, is exactly one month away... not that I'm counting. (Lies, I'm 100% counting.) I think this was the most I've enjoyed a summer yet, weather and all, but I will still always and forever be an Autumn girl.
 


I'm back to doing some doula work, working on call with a local midwifery center, which I'm very excited about. Its the best possible way I can think of to incorporate my yoga work and doula work. Still being on call (as is just part of the doula life), but on scheduled days to work around my teaching schedule.

Outside of school Gwen has had some rough days. She's growing so quickly, and getting to that prepubescent stage where the brain starts going crazy with changes, and we're learning together how to navigate it all. Some days we are the best team, and some days we don't want to be in the same room together by the end of it all. Thankfully, underneath it all, she's still the same amazing, loving, kind kid she's always been. But we'll take all the easy going vibes you want to send us!! 

Life feels so very good and sweet right now (despite the autumn longing, and the growing angst). Here's to more settling in, and finding ease.

Today is the first day of 4th Grade....


4th GRADE!!



It blows my mind how fast summer went, that my baby is in the 4th grade already.


We're both excited for this school year, and I have high hopes its going to be a great one for Gwen.

We're certainly keeping busy in our first week back from travels.


Besides our normal teaching, errands, etc.: Monday Gwen had a tooth extracted... this is her 5th if you're keeping track! Poor girl definitely inherited both Trav and my teeth issues, and added them together. This extraction was way easier then the last time when she had 4 done at once! She'll be starting invisalign later this month to hopefully prevent a lot more issues down the line. Please send vibes that it goes well!



Wednesday we got to head to her school to find out who her teacher is going to be this year, see her classroom, and check out some of the updates they've done to her school over the summer. They have more seating options, all of them with at least some sensory input (gentle bouncing, balancing aspects), which will probably being distracting for the first few days, but great in the long run! Her new teacher seems nice, and I think she’s a little more excited to go back Monday. I'm not excited for a daily 7am alarm, but am excited for a little bit more routine.


It took a very full day of running up and down stairs to the car, running the washer and dryer non-stop, and so much sorting, but I got everything unpacked and put away from our trip (finally). Gwen got to have a few playdates with friends, and I think all-in-all it was a great last week, and we're as ready for the school year ahead as possible!

As you're reading this I'm heading off to teach yoga, probably barely keeping my eyes open, since Gwen and I will have just returned from our first camping adventure of the summer. I cannot wait to tell you all about it.

I cannot believe that July is here already, the year more then halfway gone. In 10 days Gwen and I head out to the East Coast, and by the time we return we'll have only a full week of prep for school time, and then she will be off to the 4th grade. 4th Grade!! If time could slow down just a little that would be great.

Since the majority of the rest of our summer will be spent on the road, it seems fair to give an update now on how things have gone with summer break. I'd call it an overall success with a more nuanced breakdown on closer look.

[Also just a note to say, I'm sure it must be funny for some of you - especially East Coasters - to read this because I know that some of you've only gotten out of school a week or two ago! So crazy to me since we've been out of school for 5 weeks now! And she goes back on August 12th, which is probably a good 2+ weeks before a lot of East Coasters.]

Photo of Gwen and Ethan "sword fighting" which has nothing to do with anything, but I think its cute...

As far as Gwen is concerned... she loves going to Trav's work on Mondays and Fridays but is annoyed she doesn't have more downtime here at home. She wants to run around outside with her friends all day, which I would love if she could actually do that, the problem she doesn't acknowledge being that her friends are often not home all day! Still, I understand that to her this summer break feels rather "busy." On the days she's not with Trav or our friend Amanda, she often has to run errands with me, or we have appointments, and she doesn't seem to get (or maybe care) that this is what I do year round! All-in-all though, she's been adaptable and fun to have around.

For me: its been amazing not having to worry about Gwen on Monday or Friday mornings, as Trav takes her before I wake up. It is so wonderful to just be able to get ready for work without rushing. Our friend Amanda taking Gwen on Wednesdays has been a godsend! I drop her off then head to teach class, and afterwards I either take class or teach a second depending on the week. I cannot stress enough how wonderful it has been to not have to give up that Wednesday class completely, as it is one of the few classes I regularly take, one of the few classes that pushes me in my practice.

That said, it felt at first like I was living in my car! Waking up and going from home to car to class to car to class to car to Trav's work or Amanda's place to car to run errands with Gwen to.... well, you get the picture. I love driving when it comes to exploring new places, but it was feeling like a lot. I've gotten used to it now, but I'm glad for the impending East Coast trip, and I'll be happy for the easier pace when school is back in session!

I have ideas for next summer... but we'll see what happens! So much can change between now and then. Overall though, I'm so grateful for how things have worked out this summer break. So grateful for the people around me who have given me the gift of time. So grateful for the amazing work that I get to do, and the time it affords me to travel with Gwen.

How is your summer going as this July dawns?

This past year Gwen was part of her school's Garden Club, which she greatly enjoyed. They learned about food and tried recipes in the cooler months, then turned to growing an actual garden during the warmer months. Now that garden needed to be tended, so we can enjoy their hard work! We signed up for two weeks this summer to water and weed the school garden, doing our part to keep things looking beautiful. This week was our first week.


There is so much weeding to do! But we did get some lettuce, radishes, and scallions to take home.


Gwen combine those ingredients with some we had at home, to make us a really nice salad!


We also recently planted our porch pots, and I'm so pleased with them!


Two types of coleus, some mizoo and begonias...


Mint, ornamental oregano, and the pansies from before. Also, the most beautiful petunias I have ever seen:


(A close up of the ornamental oregano "kitigami"... which is also pretty gorgeous!)



Can't wait to watch these gardens grow over the next few months!