Isn't it funny the natural ebb and flow of things. This week I've actually been on top of sleep, feeling more well rested... but yet tired, because these past few weeks have been so busy. Family visits (Trav's parents were in last week, his brother with wife and our nephew the week before), snow, Hamilton for birthday gifts, 300 hour training work, more snow, job stuff, teaching, taking, snowwwww, Gwen's spring concert, Meow Wolf, etc etc etc!  [All of these pictures are in a completely random order because that's how they uploaded and 🤷]

So much fun and so much good, but whoo boy. I'm very ready for this weekend of rest.

Last week I found out that the 200 hr that I was going to be co-leading needs to be postponed. That made me sad. But I'm not going to lie, tackling a 200 in the Fall, when I'm not also doing a 300, sounds much more accessible! Today I found out that I got a promotion and a raise for my mapping job! I get to be a Mapping Lead, which is really exciting, and I get to adjust my focus to include a lot of new things that I really enjoy. Not going to lie, feeling proud of that! The Universe. It gives you what you need sometimes, even if its not what you want.

Next week is Gwen's Spring Break, and we are definitely both looking forward to that pause. We have nothing really planned, but we'll find little fun things to do.

 The week after that is Ostara, the official start to Spring, and I am so ready. I'm ready for more light, more space, more warmth, more ease. The winter months always feel more overwhelming, everything seems to take longer and be more work, but spring, spring is on its way. I could not be more ready. 

 Me: “Hey Gwen, how does it feel to be 12?”

Gwen: No different then 11!

Me: “Who’s your best friend?”

Gwen:  Clarissa

Me: “What is your favorite thing to do?”

Gwen: I like to read, play MineCraft, ski, and eat shaved ice [editors note: she was eating a shaved ice, while we did this 😄]

Me: “What is your favorite color?”

Gwen:  Black, red, and I also really like teal. 

Me: “How about your favorite food?”

Gwen:   I don't know... maybe steak and rice, maybe soy sauce ramen

Me: “What is your favorite thing to do with Dad and I?”

Gwen:   Guess!  (Me: Camp? Hike?)  Hmm, I do like that!
I like to play games with you guys, especially video games.

Me: “What is your favorite toy/game?”

Gwen:   The Nintendo Switch

Me: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Gwen:   A tiger biologist! Ha, so a zoologist? 

Me: “What makes you happy?”

Gwen:   You being happy! Dad getting me shaved ice! Hanging out with you and Dad, and my friends. 

Me: “What is something that makes you sad?”

Gwen:  You guys being sad or angry, and thinking about how old Daisy is getting, and her tumors.

Me: “Do you have a favorite movie?”

Gwen:   [weird thinking face] I don't know 

Me: How about a favorite TV show?”

Gwen:   I don't know again... I do really like Simpsons, and Schitts Creek, and X-Men 

Me: “Do you have a favorite book?”

Gwen:  Ohhhhh that's hard! Spirit Animals, and also Mishap's Heros... but I think Spirit Animals might win... I just like books a lot!! Especially fantasy fiction books 

Me: What do you like to learn about?”

Gwen:   I don't know ... animals? 

Me: “What were you excited about for your birthday? And what ended up being being your favorite part?”

Gwen:  I was excited for the presents, of course! And for the fun surprises you had planned.
I like the sleep over [at Clarissa's], and Hamilton!

Me: “Where’s your favorite place to go when we leave the house?”

Gwen:   I like going to the library, to the zoo-type places, and hiking and camping

Me: “What is your favorite teacher's name?” [Editing this one to say favorite teacher... since she now has multiple in Middle School]

Gwen:   Well, I really like all my teacher this year!

Me: “Do you have a favorite treat?”

Gwen:   Slushees/shaved ice, and ice cream!   

Me: “What’s your favorite animal?”

Gwen:   Tiger!! 

Me: “Do you have a favorite song?”

Gwen:    That's hard, I like a lot of songs... Disappear and You Will Be Found from Dear Evan Hansen, The Kings Message from Hamilton, and Cover Me In Sunshine by Pink

Me: “What’s your favorite thing to wear?”

Gwen:    T-shirts and comfy pants and shorts 

Me: “What are you looking forward to this year?”

Gwen:    Summer!! Going on our trip! Especially seeing Panda, Penny, and Parker.

Me: "Thank you for playing along!"

Dear Gwen, 

You turn 12 today, and I continue to feel like the luckiest to be your Mom and walk this path with you. Your love is so encompassing and so deep. That said, wow is puberty a wild ride for all. Ha! You continue to grow and mature so much, and are just the sweetest soul... but you find yourself torn now, emotions running in directions outside of your control. You rage against the (very universal) battle of wants vs needs, and expectations - both your own and other peoples. 

This is year one of Middle School, and so far you are killing it. All As for the first two quarters, which is absolutely amazing. You're working so hard to balance fun things with classes, friends, Girl Scouts, family time, skiing, etc. Not to mention all the things keeping your dad and I busy, and alternating our time away from you. There's a lot going on here in the middle of this pandemic world! But you know what, you're taking it all in stride. Despite the trials that your anxiety and depression bring, you still are pretty damn great at going with the flow.

I'm trying to remember everything I can from this year, and I'm regretting how much I didn't write. I loved 11 in so many ways. You're amazing to talk to, open with your struggles, not embarrassed to to hash out the hard things... I hope that stays! There is so much as you leave the pre-teen years and enter teenager times that gets hard and challenging, and I just want you to know that you can always, always talk to me about it.

You still love reading with a passion, ripping though books in days; you draw and sketch regularly (especially to illustrate stories you have floating around your head, D&D adventures, or animals); and you love music, both listening to and playing. You're getting pretty good at the drums, and really like your music teacher.

You've continued to horseback ride whenever we give you a chance, and love to be outside in general. Skiing with your dad, camping and hiking with me. You're still an A+ traveler, and we have some big plans for this summer! You also regularly go on walks with your Aunts, which I'm just so grateful is part of our daily life now.

You're fun, and funny; a trickster who likes to surprise your dad and I whenever you can (see picture above of you hiding in a pile of stuffed animals); but a hard worker too. You're not afraid of work, especially if you have a goal in mind. Your Girl Scout troop has a summer goal of a NYC trip, and so you have been putting the work in on crafts and selling cookies. That dedication came in handy for earning your Girl Scout Bronze Award too!

You still love Legos, and do a lot of creating of things/places that you created in your own head. You build rooms and buildings and whole landscapes sometimes. You still love Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, as well as the Simpsons and the Mandalorian (and all related shows/movies). You've fallen down a YouTube rabbit hole these past few months and love looking up videos of random things: singing shows, people playing mindcraft, kids making slime, cooking challenges, etc. I'm okay with this new obsession since we established some time limits, and since you are so good about talking to me. You know if you encounter something that you think is off or inappropriate, to always bring it to me to talk about.

I wish I could better capture who you are right now, the essence of you. How I still have a few inches on you, but your big personality make it feel like you're going to overtake me any second. Your long limbs, long hair, feet only around a size smaller then mine. Your ready smile, and contagious laugh.

You've started asking for yoga before bed, and you're more interested then ever before in purposeful movement to stretch out, and get stronger. You're also starting to understand the joy of a lie in on lazy mornings, and have no qualms about letting us know you're ready for bed early on long, tiring days.

Gwen, while 12 seems so old, grown up, and mature in some ways (and I'm quite proud of your maturity), I'm so glad to see you're not in a rush to be more adult. Those things will come sooner then either of us like... and I hope no matter how old you get, you never lose the magic, never stop believing in the mythical, and are never afraid to love what you love, no matter what anyone else thinks.

I love you times infinity, you're the best Gwenie in the Multiverse...

Mom

 

Last night Gwen hosted her first real sleepover with a friend, and Monday she heads to Middle School. Its hard to wrap my head around my baby being, well, not at all a baby anymore. She's so grown in so many ways. These pre-teen years are challenging. There's so much she wants to do (and I want her to be able to do), but so much to make that feasible (sometimes that's just time). 

Parenting is the easiest and hardest thing I've ever done. She pushes against every boundary, and challenges me in ways I never even imagined. But then she greets me with so much exuberance, or melts into my hugs and suddenly I can't imagine anything easier. She is my person. She is my heart. 

----

I wrote this all the way back in August... meant to come back to it, and just never did. I'm trying to get back to writing, as I miss it so, and one thing I will do is come back to my drafts. I might complete them, or I might say fuck it and just publish them as they are. But I just want to start recording things again. I want to leave things for Gwen to come back to when she's older to remember this time. 

Gwen isn't loving Middle School (who does, oh boy), but she is excelling. She has processes in place to help with her mental health, and does well with the work itself (two quarters down so far, and all As in both of them!). She went on after this to have another sleepover with the same friend, at her house, and it went beautifully. I'm so grateful for my girl, this child that teaches me as much as I teach her, and who helps heal things in me I didn't know needed healed.

Pre-trip, last day of horseback riding camp!

 

We are back from our trip out East... from seeing my parents (and other amazing friends and family), from getting a new tattoo, and from checking off the last state I needed on the East Coast (Maine, you are lovely!). 

It was so amazing to see Penny, Panda, and Parker! We've missed our bubble.

It was a great trip, but definitely illuminating after a year off from travel. We won't stop taking these trips, but I think we are going to adjust them in the future. For one, now that all those mid-Western/East Coast states have been checked off, I think our focus will just be visiting friends and family. Direct between places, and keeping our trips to about 2 weeks. That was plenty long enough for Gwen and I. We'll have camping trips be separate. I've lost any desire to combine camping trips with cross-country trips, and the completely different packing needs the two entail. From now on, we'll camp out here, and visit out there.

Despite those realizations, it was such a wonderful time, full of great visiting and beautiful places. Gwen and I both loved Acadia (and I definitely want to see more of Maine).

Now... well we're diving right back in! I signed two doula clients before we left, so we're going right into meetings now that we're back. I added a private yoga client. I'm back to mapping. Gwen and I are getting her ready for school to start in just over 2 weeks! 

How was your summer? When does school start for your kids?