Brad Cooks Crabs

Oh man, do you want me to act like you're not here yet?

Oh yeah. Oh, Vincenzo!

Showed up a little late, bud, don't worry.

I set up camp, once again.

(beep)

Hey guys, we're out here on Douglas Island,

right outside of Juno.

We got a couple of Bairdi crabs that we caught the other day

and then the fisherman hooked us up with two king crabs.

Grab the little water out of the here, what do we call this?

Grab the little water out of the water here (laughs)

and we're going to steam them up

and eat them right here on the beach.

Man, it don't get any better than that.

♪ Just a couple crabby boys cookin' up crabby on a-- ♪

I dunno; I ain't a good rhymer.

(drum beat into lively piano and guitar)

(bleep)

Alright, Vinnie, pay attention.

We've got a very complicated recipe for you.

So, we got salt water and crabs.

Fresh water is fine, it's actually better.

I learned up here that when you cook them in salt water,

the meat tends to stick to the shell,

but, man, I think it's pretty cool anyway.

I mean, little Old Bay never hurt a crab too much,

but we're gonna keep it pretty pure here today.

I got us some butter and some homemade miso.

I'll make a little dippin' miso-y butter,

if you're into that kind of stuff.

Crabs are going to be the main ingredient, man.

They're going to be the major talkin' point,

But, Vinnie, I don't want you goin' wandering off.

I wanna really show you how to boil some water.

Alright, man, enough chattin'.

Let me get this fire kicked up.

Vinnie, what'd you do with the lighter?

Ah!

(beep)

You got another lighter?

(beep)

Once the water starts coming to a rippin' boil,

I only got about this much water in there.

I don't wanna go boilin' 'em, I wanna steam 'em.

Just get 'em wrapped around in that water

and let them cook in their own juices, you know?

You ready for this, bub? Whoowee!

This thing is no joke, bud, we're talkin'--

oh good god, regular old sea monster here, Vinnie.

Oh, let me put my gloves on.

Ooh yeah, now these things are spiney as hell, Vin.

So, we got two different types of crab here, Vinnie.

We got them Bairdi, delicious,

that's the one we went crabbing with, bud.

And then this is the big, red king crab.

These guys right here, I pretty think they'll

mangle your finger, so you really wanna stay clear of those.

But, man, look at those. Beauts, ugly as hell, huh?

Only a mother would love that thing, Vinnie.

Now we just gotta wait for that water to boil, Vince.

(grunts)

Ooh Vinnie, dog!

Hoho good boy! Looks like a girl, actually.

You know a little feminine snout.

Oooh, oh my god, look at that, Vincent, the backdrop.

Forget the crabs.

How you guys doin'? You got a beautiful dog.

Male, female?

Hoo, nailed it!

Man, we love dogs, huh? We need a dog.

We need an it's alive dog, oooh.

[Vinnie] Would you take care of it?

(sharp inhale) Oooh...

(beep)

Alright, cool, that's not quite boiling,

so we'll just hang tight, man.

This is, you know...

Not so bad, man, look at that.

There's something about pine trees covered in snow.

It just gets me goin', man, something beautiful about that.

(beep)

What am I doin'? Takin' these crabs out, Vinnie.

I wanna get 'em, throw 'em on the ice, let 'em hang out.

A'ight, stay cool.

One of the fishermen was telling me, you throw

a little ice on 'em and it kinda just slugs 'em down.

I mean, they live in the frickin' cold-ass water,

ain't no thing for them, but it just slugs

them down a little, right?

You guys cool off. Oh yeah, we're boilin', babe.

So now, we're going to drop these bad boys in.

You start your timer, Vinnie, we're going to go

about 15, 20 minutes and then when we're about,

I don't know, ten minutes out, I'll just start

simmering that butter up, add a little miso.

You know, maybe we'll get a little jazzy,

I brought a little sambal, maybe we should

do, do a little dollop of that.

Sauce on the side, you know what I mean?

If you want to dip, dip, but if you wanna eat 'em clean

(whip cracks) and pristine (laughs),

then we're going to have that option too.

I'm a put the big boys on the bottom,

Vinnie, cuz (clears throat) they're bigger.

Oh god, just please don't bite me,

The (bleep) sea monster.

Alright, bud, watch your legs, come on.

It's been real.

We respect and love you, thank you.

Alright? So no hard feelin's man, nature--

just the way it is. Tuck it in, boys.

Now, that's it. We're at 4:00 here, Vince.

15 minutes, what's that? 4:15, Vince.

(lounge music)

Alright, Vinnie, I lied, I got a little excited;

I'm ready to cook now.

So I got some butter, alright, and I crushed up

a little garlic and let it sit for a couple of minutes

to get that allicin going, you know what I'm saying?

We'll let that melt, let the garlic marry,

get in there, and get a little happy.

Maybe a lil splash of a Icy Bay IPA;

ne'er hurt nobody, get in there, huh.

This isn't hot at all, you keep beer on there for a minute.

Ha! I like this.

Wooden, ooh, Vinnie, new business; wooden pot and pan tops.

Nobody is doin' that, alright, anyway.

Look, Vinnie, I brought a little miso back

from home from the test kitchen,

a little project I whipped up, up there.

Aged for about, I think it was about nine months

and then I got a little sambal.

So, I have a nice, little garlic butter, miso,

sambal dipping sauce, huh, that don't sound too bad.

Let me put this in my pocket here, alright Vinnie?

No waste, nothing left on the beach.

You notice that? Lookit, ain't no garbage here, alright?

Hey, keep it that way; nothin' worse than comin' down to

a place like this see a freakin' bottle floatin' around.

Just shells and seaweed and beautiful views, Vinnie,

beautiful views and I ain't just talkin' about me.

Look at that. You know what kind of butter this is?

That Tillamook over there by our good ol' Ben Jacobsen,

over by that Salt guy, you know, good ol' Ben.

That episode ever come out, Vinnie? (laughs)

Alright, alright Vinnie, now I'm a add

a little bit of sambal, okay?

Boop, boop. Not too much, alright?

A little dab 'll do ya.

A little homemade miso, oh yeah, we'll toothpaste

that right in there, baby.

Just a little bit, I don't wanna be

going nuts with the stuff, overpowering,

but just a nice little accent, Vinnie.

Wanna check on the old crabbers real quick?

Nope? Me neither.

Oh yeah. A little more sambal, Vinnie.

Taste as you go, do a little bit, taste it and adjust.

Just like cookin', you can't just go

dumpin' things in like a maniac.

(grunts)

Ahh, ah that feels...that's for me. (chuckles)

Look at that (bleep), Vince.

(lounge music)

Alright, Vinnie, we're all set.

Butter's all melted up, things are gettin'

nice 'n' nice in there, look at that color.

Ooh yeah, aww buddy. Crab money.

Oh my god look at this fricken thing;

I never seen such a thing in my life.

Can't say I ever cooked a whole king crab before.

Alright, Vince, these guys are hot, you know and let 'em

cool off just a minute and then a couple tools I like usin'.

This is good for just you get up on that shell

and just (imitates cracking) crack it up.

And then some snips, these are, I even like using

just a good heavy-duty kitchen snip.

You can get right up on the leg and just zip, zip, zip

and just get all that meat out.

We'll start with one of these bairdi legs, alright,

I like to crack that, pull that out.

And these are a little more tender on the shell

than these bad boys, but still, take one

of these little snips, alright?

Run it right up there, maybe run 'em up each side,

open it up, you know? (cracking)

Oh yeah, Vinnie, alright, look at that meat, bud.

Ooh yeah, huhhuh, oh delicious.

Super clean flavor, it's rich, but it's--

you could just sit down and put some work

into it and eat a ton of these.

The old fisherman was right, you know,

cooking them in the salt water, they do,

they tend to stick to the shell a little.

Shoulda listened to him.

You just watch me eat, Vinnie.

A little miso, sambal, a little garlic in there,

I'm a drop that right on there.

Oh my god...between that and the view,

Vinnie, I don't know bud.

Alright, these things are a little--

I mean, every time I eat these things, I freakin' bleed.

Oh, good god. Huhhuh. Oh my god, look at that meat, Vince.

Oh man, these things are just designed to not be touched,

huh, I guess that's what they're going for. Yow.

Ooh, look at that monster, look at all that meat, huh.

Oh my god, that's just one leg, look at that.

The butter and all that's great, I'll prolly do a little,

you know I like to mix it up, but let's just

taste it by itself, huh? Oh my god.

Probably one of the best things I've ever put in my mouth.

Oh, we'll say that again?

(beep)

(laughs) Probably one of the best things I ever ate, Vince.

Fresh king crab, got some fresh bairdi,

we got some melted miso sambal garlic.

Alright and I got you with me, we got some friends

with us, alright, we got a little fire.

Hey, friends. Whoo whoo whooo.

And then that's it man, we got nature behind us.

Let's have a feast, Vinnie, huh?

Who's better than us, Vinnie?

(plop)

Bon appetit.

Oh oh, oh my god.

I don't wanna ever eat anything else.

Here, Vinnie.

Snooze you lose, Cheech, beat it.

May be wondering, you know, ah what do you do

when you eat these out on the beach

and you don't have scissors, you know.

I dunno, get a rock, the same people

that have double propane burners on the beach.

If scissors are your problem, then I can't help you.

Learned this one from my buddy, Brian Murkle:

alright, it's called hot coal.

(championship bell ding, ding)

Get yourself one of those red hots, you know.

Whoo and then you pass it over to your friend.

Vinnie! (laughs) You ain't ready to play.

Bud, I'll get a hotter one, al--ow!

(beep)

This is a real game, too, you know, maybe not for kids

under the age of, I dunno, seven or somethin'.

(plop)

(beep)

Good luck, pro--whoa, head's up, good luck probing that,

but 15-20 minutes is usually pretty good.

(fishing reel cranks)

Quiet on set.

(beep)

I've never had crab like that alive, well actually,

that's not true, I did two days ago.

(beep)

Humpies in the roe!

Oh, humpies in the roe.

(buzzer)

(ding)

Then, what we do is cut 'em right down like that.

(beep)

See you later, Hazel. Huhhuh, good girl.

(light upbeat music)

(beep)