Dear Caroline: I had an affair and left my husband for him. How can I make my sister-in-law like me again?
Q A year ago I left my husband for someone else after being married for 21 years. I am deeply in love with this man and vice versa. Although it’s been hard on our children, they have accepted it and I don’t regret the decision.
However, I used to be very close to my sister-in-law and now she won’t talk to me. Things had been falling apart with my ex for a long time. I was only 24 when I got married and soon realised that he and I had very little in common. I’m quite an emotional person and love books, music and walks in the countryside, whereas he is more of a ‘watch rugby at the pub with his mates’ sort of guy.
He is also a non-communicator – sociable and fun around other people, yes (this is what attracted me to him initially), but I could never talk to him about important stuff. I was so lonely. His sister just doesn’t understand, even though I don’t think she’s very happy in her own marriage.
We used to moan about our husbands and confide in each other, although I never told her about the affair. She is furious that I left her brother, saying I should have worked on my marriage and that I’ve betrayed him. I was so fond of her and I miss her.
Do you think that time will heal this or do I have to accept that our friendship is over?
A It is hard to remain friends with an ex’s family so, sadly, this friendship might not survive.
Many factors are at play here: firstly, a loyalty to her brother who, while she recognises his faults, she clearly loves deeply. There may also be a bit of jealousy. Although she might have felt better about her own marriage when she thought that you and she were in the same boat, seeing how happy you are in your new relationship will have made her more aware of the gaps in her own.
It is, of course, always sad when couples break up, and hard for the children, but it can be worse for all to carry on miserably. She is obviously very disapproving that you left for someone else, and so sees this as all your fault.
However, it’s not that simple. Ideally, if the marriage had to end it would be solely because it was not right for you, and no one else would be involved. In reality, leaving a relationship is a huge step and finding someone new often provides the catalyst and courage to leave. A lot will depend on how things are with your ex, who must for now feel angry and devastated. In time, hopefully, he’ll meet someone new, and perhaps understand that he was not happy in the marriage either.
If you later manage an amicable relationship with him, you might become friends with his sister again, too. Of course, she also remains your children’s aunt so she will still see them. For now though, sadly, you probably need to grieve the loss of her friendship. Only time will tell.
My husband doesn’t want to make a will
Q My husband and I are both 80. We have three children each from previous marriages. We also own a business that was my husband’s before we met and of which I am a company director. Neither my husband nor I have made a will. I am worried because he seems to think that this is OK.
I hadn’t really thought of it until I read about families fighting over money after a death. I’d hate this to happen and would like all the children to share. My husband and I are very happy, but my brother says that my husband is just waiting for me to die so that he doesn’t have to give me anything. I hope that this isn’t the case. What should I do?
A Dying intestate (without a will) can indeed leave a horrible mess for loved ones to sort out. It sounds, though, as if there is a communication problem here. Do you really think that there is any truth in your brother’s assertions or is he just being mean or jealous?
You surely know your husband best, so talk to him; ask why he doesn’t want to make a will and explain that you are worried about what will happen to the children. Tell him you want to avoid arguments.
Sometimes people are reluctant to address this issue because they are afraid of their own mortality. The rules around dying intestate are very complicated. As his wife, you would inherit the property and a portion of his estate, but while his children would also inherit part of his estate, yours would not. Even if you cannot persuade your husband, you should certainly see a solicitor to discuss protecting your assets and making a will of your own.
See lawsociety.org.uk for more information.
If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_.
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