TRACEY COX speaks to women feeling 'ashamed and unwanted' because their husbands don't want sex - and reveals what to do if it's happening to you

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'I'd sooner admit to an affair than having a husband who doesn't want sex with me.'

It's one of society's big secrets that men's interest in sex has declined significantly over the years.

Around 25 per cent of marriages in the UK and US are now sexless (having sex less than once a month) and the assumption that it's women turning to face the wall is wrong. In the UK, there's been a 40 per cent increase from the previous decade in the number of men claiming to have gone off sex.

There's a complex interplay of psychological, social and health factors contributing to the decline in men's sexual desire. But this doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

While it's 'OK' for a woman to admit it, a man going off sex is still very much not OK. Women feel embarrassed and ashamed when their husband doesn't desire them. It makes them feel unattractive, unloved and unwanted.

Here, three women tell me what it feels like when your husband doesn't want to have sex with you.

In the UK, there's been a 40 per cent increase from the previous decade in the number of men claiming to have gone off sex. Stock image used

'Men on Instagram beg me for sex but I have to force my husband to do it three times a year.'

Charlotte, 35, has been married for six years.

I'm 35, an influencer, and have more than 50,000 Instagram followers. I look good and get dozens of messages a day from men telling me how attractive I am. If only my husband agreed. We've had sex six times in two years.

We look like the perfect couple. My husband is handsome, he has a great job in finance, we have lots of money, loads of friends. Everyone thinks we have the perfect life: we holiday in glamorous places, eat at expensive restaurants. Only a few close friends know my shameful little secret.

I love sex. I'm not sure my husband ever did, looking back. We had lots of sex at the start but then it quickly dwindled down to once every 10 days or more. My husband blamed work and stress. He trades and starts work in the early hours and then has to sometimes entertain clients at night. His day is long and he's often exhausted. People envy bankers but there's a reason why they get paid so much: the job is overwhelming.

I thought it was odd that such a young guy didn't have more of an appetite but put up with it. Then it went to once every month and I knew we had a problem.

Tracey Cox, pictured, says there's a complex interplay of psychological, social and health factors contributing to the decline in men's sexual desire

I tried everything to lure him back to bed. I'd run a bath for him, give back-rubs, not plan too much socially, reduce his stress. That made no difference, so I went down the sexy nightwear and underwear route. We don't have kids yet (you have to have sex for that – another issue) so I'd walk around in sexy PJ's. Wait for him to be in bed, then come out of the bathroom in killer underwear. His reaction was to groan and say, 'Not tonight babe, I'm too tired'. So I tried instigating sex on the weekends in the morning by stroking him and trying to jump on top. He gets a semi-erection and then pushes me off. I'm literally begging him for sex but it seems like the more effort I make, the less he wants it.

I've asked him many times what's wrong, cried and threatened to leave him over this. He just clams up. All he says is that it's my problem. His libido is 'normal' for someone under stress, mine is too high.

This has taken away all my confidence. Intellectually, I know I'm sexually attractive but emotionally I'm convinced I'm not. Am I a bad lover? Is he having an affair or having casual sex or using prostitutes? Does he have a secret cocaine problem? This is what my close girlfriends think but there are no signs of drugs or other women.

I wanted us to go see a sex therapist to sort this but he refused. He said it would be humiliating. I've gone on my own but don't seem to be getting anywhere.

I don't leave because, apart from the sex thing, we get on well. He's still my best friend. We both want children even though he keeps putting off the date of when we should start trying. Maybe when we must have sex, it will be different.

'Don't even think about judging me for having affairs: you try being married to someone who never desires you when you're young and at your best.'

Lucy is 32 and has been married for five years.

It says it all that all my close friends know I have affairs, but none know the true reason why. I'd rather people think I have an insatiable appetite for sex that my husband can't satisfy than know the truth. That I married a man who is basically asexual and didn't realise until it was too late.

Things were fine at the start because I drove everything. I instigated sex, made sure it was fresh and fun. All he had to do was show up. When I decided it was time for him to make some moves, it all stopped. Unless I instigate, the thought of sex never occurs to him. He's never masturbated, he'd only had sex with one other woman when he met me, he's never had a sexual fantasy, he never notices women who are attractive. (Or men, in case you're wondering.)

He admits that sex is a low-to-no priority for him and always has been. The fact that he married a woman who enjoys sex and would like to have it regularly and failed to admit this, doesn't seem to have registered. He feels no obligation to fulfil his side of the 'thou shalt have sex' deal in any way.

I've been a great wife, mother and friend to him for many years. But I'll never be his lover. I tried everything to get him to muster up some enthusiasm. I sent him to therapy to see if there was some trauma that made him uninterested in sex. Nothing came of anything.

One woman told Tracey that she started having affairs to deal with the lack of sex in her relationship. Stock image used

I had my first affair three years into our relationship. Don't even think about judging me on that: you try not being desired for years when you're young and at your best. It's demoralising, depressing and upsetting. You're plagued by self-doubt: I mustn't be sexy. He doesn't love me. He's having an affair. He's gay. He despises me. He's punishing me. I'm too fat. It's none of the above: he simply isn't interested in sex.

I've had continual affairs since then. I am discreet but I think he knows. If anything, he'll be relieved I'm satisfying a side of myself that he isn't interested in being involved in. It works in some ways: I get hot lover-style sex and the security of a long-term relationship. But I'd swap that for the mundane, humdrum sex most married couples have any day. That closeness I will never have. I feel cheated.

'I can't tell my friends the truth about us. What if they told their husbands and mine became a laughing stock?'

Anna, 48, married young and has three children.

We've been together since I was 23 and produced three kids, so no-one's expecting us to be at it like rabbits. But we should be having some sex, surely? I'm not even 50! I still look good, everything is working, my libido is high, the kids are less hassle now. This is when we should be enjoying each other again.

I know what the problem is. My husband is having problems getting and keeping an erection. It started five years ago (he's six years older than me). For the first time ever, he couldn't get it up. I was a bit surprised but only because it hadn't happened before. I know this happens to lots of men as they get older.

He completely freaked out. It was ridiculous. He kept going on and on about it. Why had it happened? What did it mean? What if it happened again? I tried to calm him down and showed him some research online that said it happens to men post 40. But he wouldn't let himself be reassured.

Of course it happened the next time we tried to have sex. And the next and the next. It was bound to! He was so anxious and het up about it. I know a lot about ED (erectile dysfunction) now, enough to know that a lot of impotence is the result of men worrying about what is entirely normal. The rest of them is allowed to age but not the prized penis!

Sex has been a battle since then. I'd tried to convince him you don't need a 'working' penis to make love. I bought sex toys, got him to focus on me to take the pressure off him. I peek to see if he gets a morning erection to check if it's physiological or psychological. (If he's erect when he wakes, it's generally a psychological issue. His is half-mast so I guess it's a combination of both.)

Sex has now stopped completely. We haven't done it for years. The bit that hurts the most is he doesn't bother to ask if I'd like him to pleasure me. Even if he can't enjoy it, he could still give me oral sex and give me an orgasm. Did he ever care about my pleasure? My friends talk about their sex lives and I pretend all is well. If I told the truth about us, I worry they'd tell their husbands and he'd be a laughing stock.

I recently discovered he still watches porn. So I'm pretty sure everything works well enough for him to be able to masturbate to orgasm. This means we could solve this together if he wanted to. I felt sorry for him initially but now I'm starting to feel resentful and angry. If he doesn't want sex with me, maybe I'll find someone else who does.

For more sex advice on how to fix a sexless relationship, visit traceycox.com. You'll find Tracey's sex product range at Lovehoney and her podcast, SexTok, on all podcast platforms.