Markiplier Tries to Keep Up with a Professional Chef

Why do I need to spank these tomatoes, I don't get it.

I want you to, just to release the juices.

Give me your juices!

[light music]

Hey guys, it's Carla.

I'm here in the Bon Appetite Test Kitchen this morning

with Markiplier, who you can see on A Heist with Markiplier.

And today we are going to eggs in purgatory.

Oh!

And we're gonna see if Mark can follow along with me

through verbal instructions only.

You said oh like, you don't know what eggs in perg--

No, I've never heard of that, no.

How would you rate yourself as a cook?

Scrappy! Okay!

I like that I don't know.

So this is really easy.

You'll, I'm like a living recipe and if you do what

I say then everythings gonna be great!

Wait, what if mines better than yours?

Do I get your job?

I will be, that will actually be the best possible outcome

It will make me feel truly, that I have done my job well.

Okay cool Okay great.

So on a count of three, we're just gonna turn around

and start cooking, ready?

Yes One, two

three Three!

Okay so Mark you see the eggs.

[Mark] I do!

You see the tomatoes I do!

[Carla] So when those guys get together

that's gonna be the purgatory part

but the first thing that we have to do is just smash

these garlic cloves.

Using the, like the broad, flat side of the knife.

Got it! Kinda just smash

[Mark] I'm way ahead of ya!

Way ahead, see! So ahead!

Is this one of those under promise,

over deliver situations?

I know how to smash things.

Great! Please.

So once they're smashed, the skins should just kinda

pop right off Mmm, uh, well--

What if the skins have been smashed into the smash?

[Carla] Well, then you gotta pull 'em out.

All right, cool You have to do some

disentangling, so there's a bowl behind the eggs

if you wanna just drop your garlic peels or any--

Why would you put that in the big bowl?

[Carla] It's a trash bowl!

You didn't say that!

Okay, so now, you have some beautiful

leaves of rainbow swiss chard on this baking tray.

Wait, back up a second there, what?

Well, it's Swiss chard but we call it rainbow Swiss chard

when the stems are different colors.

So like I have a white stemmed one

and a yellow stemmed one and a red stemmed one.

Okay Okay,

so what we're gonna do,

I just want you to cut the leaf away from the stem.

So put a leaf on your cutting board

and then use your knife to just cut like where the leafy

part meets the stem Uh-huh!

Up to the top so you'll end up making

kind of like a V shaped cut.

[Mark] I'm making rhubarb!

Exactly, exactly!

I think they might be related in fact.

Okay, all of 'em cut all the leaves away from all of these

All three, so cut, yeah, do the other ones!

So keep your stem on your board.

Leaves off to the side, what color stems did you have?

I had red and I had yellow and I had white.

[Carla] Oh perfect, so we're exactly matched.

They made mirror images.

I'd be really shocked if they gave me different

ingredients this whole time. I know, I would too.

It would be really off brand.

Okay, so then, just flip 'em around we're gonna start

from the thicker part of the, like whatever the bottom part

of the stem and just cut the little ends off

which might be a little dry.

Toss those into the trash bowl.

Good! [Carla laughing]

And then, I want you to just line these up side by side,

wow you really whacked that didn't you?

To smithereens I did.

So now, line 'em up together,

all three side by side by side.

Way ahead of you And then just cut crosswise

pretty thinly, I want these to be like an eight of an inch.

[Mark] An eighth of an inch.

So we're gonna go all the way up to the other end.

There's two ends to everything, Carla!

I know, do you consider the top of the leaf though

actually to be the end? I don't know!

Except in my show, A Heist With Markiplier

which has 31 ends. Really?

Yeah actually.

Is it like choose your own adventure?

I'm not legally allowed to say that.

Oh!

Oh, I'm not bound by such restrictions.

[Mark laughing]

Let's move over to our hot plate,

take the lid off of this pan, turn the power on,

and then we're gonna turn this up to

Smithereens.

Yeah, go to like 325, so that will be the little read ad

on the bottom. I can read!

I see numbers.

Well some people get confused because

there's two sets of numbers.

Yeah, ones building up, who can't figure out

which numbers go to which.

Um, I'm not legally allowed to say.

[Mark laughing]

So then, there's an adorable little cup of olive oil

get that into your pan.

This is adorable, that is.

Isn't it? Just adorable.

All right!

Garlic into the pan. Garlic into the pan.

And then, I'm gonna pick my whole cutting board up

and I'm just gonna scrape all these Swiss Chard stems

right in there too.

Good, sizzle!

Mine was a better sizzle. Really?

Yeah! I heard nothing!

Well [laughs] that's 'cause your ears aren't finely tuned

to the art of cooking as mine are.

All right, grab your wooden spoon.

Give everybody a toss and stir.

Toss and stir.

And then, a nice, generous amount of salt and pepper.

Wait, which one, wait

Oh Which salt?

Wait a minute. So there's salt right ne--

There's a black plastic pepper grinder,

so you can just hit it with some peps.

How many turns?

10! Too late!

Okay, and then right next to that is a bowl of kosher salt

and I would say like two big pinches.

I already put mine in but I'll put,

I'll put some more!

All right, so now, if you have a little browning,

that's perfect, add the tomatoes.

All of 'em? All of 'em!

Just dump 'em in? Just dump 'em in!

[Mark] That doesn't seem right.

[Carla] It's right!

And then add the chili blade.

Added!

Some of these tomatoes, their skins are gonna split

right away, I want you to toss 'em or stir them

whatever you're more comfortable with.

I'm a tosser!

Talk to me about the tomatoes.

Beautiful, pristine, never seen better.

Really? Yeah!

But what are they actually doing?

I was lifting the pan off too long

and it lost a lot of heat.

Okay, so with the pan on the heat

Yes

Have any of your skins split?

Started too. Startin' too,

a couple here and there? Yeah!

Let's cover this pot.

Uh-huh.

Because we wanna make like saucy things happen.

Saucy things. So, they're gonna

have out for a second.

Okay! And we can move on to

let's crack some eggs.

So the idea here is we we're gonna crack the egg

into the small bowl and then if we don't break our yolk

then it can go into the measuring cup.

I will not break a yolk!

Okay great! I swear of this.

So one at a time, crack an egg into the small bowl.

I might, I might break a yolk, you just don't know.

I will not And then your shell

can go in the trash bowl.

I'm not gonna break a yolk.

I'm getting a very amazing tomato facial over here.

The steam is going directly into my nose.

Yeah, well my steams scared of me,

it knows to stay away.

Okay, you're competitive.

No I'm just getting that

right now Nuh-uh!

Uh-huh, yeah!

All right, four eggs in the measuring cup?

Yep! Great, let's raise

the lid over here.

[tomatoes sizzling]

And just let me know what you, describe what's happening.

I'm seeing the face of God in my dish.

It's so beautiful, I'm weeping tears of joy.

That's a very emotional reaction to the food.

If you looked at it, it would be like raiders of the lost

arc your face would just melt off with just how good it is.

Really? I would encourage you

with the back of your wooden spoon,

to jut smash some of these tomatoes

so that they release their juices.

We need Oh!

We need some juiciness.

Been some bad tomatoes over here.

Yeah, not smithereens. Oh!

No, but like some pressing and splitting.

Take that! Push 'em around

a little bit. Take that!

Mhm, also lower the heat to a simmer.

There's a little spoon in the,

there's like a metal container on your station.

Yes And like look for

a little teaspoon, I want you to taste

the tomato sauce, purgatory. Okay

Tell me what happens Oh!

Wow!

Really? I've never tasted something

so divine! My simmer is like

a little, it's very active. Oh, it's bubbling over here.

It's bubbling away, all right so now using

the measuring cup, we're gonna pour these eggs in

but we're gonna pour them in so they go one at a time

so with the wooden spoon, just like make a little divot

where the first ones gonna go, it's gonna fill right in.

Ah, I see, I see, I see. You don't really have

to do this but just sort of spoon a little sauce away.

Okay And then,

pouring slowly so only on egg

Got it! Goes at a time,

drop it in! I got ya

and then around the four You got me?

Four quadrants? And then do that,

three more times so all four eggs.

Okay, got it! Go in.

And like trying to make it so they're not touching.

[Mark] This is easy.

And obviously, we're not breaking any yolks.

Yeah, no No, okay salty guy

I want you to salt each egg.

[Mark] How much salt does this need?

[Carla] Well, I mean the eggs didn't really get salted.

Everything else did.

So just salt your egg. Got it

on it, in it, around it. Okay cool.

And then lid is gonna go on

so what temperature are you at?

Oh 230, you know, I just wanted to--

Oh I'm at 230 too!

All right, drop the lid on,

clear off your cutting board and we are going to

tear our Swiss Chard leaves into--

To smitheroons.

Well, like this is gonna be our Swiss Chard salad.

We're gonna tear 'em?

Yeah, tear 'em into bite size-ish pieces.

[Mark grunting]

There's something very visceral about this recipe

Yeah That I appreciate.

Let's dress it now so take the lemon.

Lemon Cut her in half.

Okay And then,

squeeze into the Swiss Chard, use your hand to catch any

uh seeds that pass through!

Half a lemon might be enough.

A lot of force being exerted.

How do you squeeze a lemon?

Weakly?

Wimpily?

I do it It just succumbs

at the merest touch.

[Mark grunting] I don't know, wow.

Have you sufficiently lemoned?

Of course Okay, now salt.

More? Yeah, this didn't get

salt yet, just 'cause everybody else got salt.

Salt!

And then you can just toss this with your hands

make sure everybody is seasoned and lemony.

We actually need to move it along,

for like, I'm not playing.

And then, there's a squeezy bottle with olive oil

and then dress with olive oil too.

How much?

Enough to coat, maybe a little bit,

like about the same amount of lemon juice

but we'll taste it.

Do I need to squeeze it as hard as I squeezed the lemon?

Yes.

[Mark grunting]

If olive oil does not like shoot out of that thing

[laughs] like a volcano It actually shot

straight through the bowl, I squeezed it too hard.

Mmm, okay.

Get your salad out of the way and put the saute pan

right in front of your cutting board.

Put your salad on your cutting board.

Cutting board, I was already way ahead of you.

Now, mmm--

Wipe off your cutting board and put your dinner plate

on your cutting board and now find the big metal spoon

in your container, behold the eggs in purgatory

by lifting the shield off Ahhh!

And then, I want you to scoop out the two most beautiful

of these two eggs. You got it!

Just made sure you get under 'em

'cause again, runny yolk.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

[Carla] I'm feeling very happy about this.

And so two eggs with some of the sauce.

Some of the sauce You can take a handful

of salad Handful of salad.

[Carla] Handful of salad off to the side,

don't cover up all the beautiful things that you did.

All right! And now there's a little

adorable basil plant, we're just gonna take a couple sprigs

and just tear, if they're small you don't need to tear,

just tear a couple of basil leaves and put 'em over the eggs

just a few! I really had to resist

the temptation to yank this whole thing out by the root.

I really want to. Thank you for resisting.

[Mark] I tear 'em and put 'em on what?

The eggs or the salad? Over the eggs.

Little basil on the eggs and on the sauce.

[Mark] On the sauce.

And then, there's a different bowl of salt,

like a very coarse, flaky salt.

Yes, there it is I know it seems like

a lot of salt, we're gonna add a little,

last little bit of salt, just a little, little sprinkle.

On just the eggs? Just the eggs,

and the sauce!

[Mark] And the sauce!

All right, so pick up plate.

Picking up.

And then we're gonna turn back around

and behold the beauty!

Okay. Okay,

three, two, one, behold [gasps]

Behold It is beautiful!

I know Great tearing!

[Mark] Thank you!

[Carla] Amazing eggs!

Thank you! The wonderful amazing eggs!

Very similar!

Why would I? He doesn't have to!

Mines better! Obviously mines incredible.

We don't need to go over that.

You salad doesn't even have any color or substance,

look at that tear.

Okay, nows the best part.

I get to eat your eggs. Oh okay, cool!

And we'll find out All right

If they're heavenly.

I will say your instructions were fantastic.

Thank you The whole way through.

I was being a jerk Oh no!

Just as a self defense mechanism.

[Carla laughing] Like I'm so insecure

I couldn't possibly even imagine.

Well, I did wanna mention the very aggressive tearing

of the Swiss Chard was very effective in breaking down some

of the Swiss Chard's fibers and you've actually tenderized

the Chard and mine is not so tender.

I was gonna point that out.

Thank you for recognizing my technique.

In the you know, sort of destroy the universe approach

it really worked Mhm!

Mmmm, lemony!

Lemony Delicious.

Mmm!

Great Carla, this is delicious.

Delicious, hold on, I need to see if your sauce is spicy.

Mmm, mmm!

Very sassy, not too salty, amazingly not too salty

for the amount of salt that you added.

I was being careful with it, but yeah, you're right.

Like I love salt, this is delicious.

Delicious! Did not take a lot of work.

Look, this ones running.

Just so everyone knows,

100% joking the whole way through,

you were lovely, I was struggling as people could probably

see but I make up for my lack of cooking skills

with utter confidence!

But Carla here was amazing with all the instructions,

really made it easy and fun, cooking is fun!

He was legally obligated to say that

[Mark laughing] Just so you know.