Spending quality time with my friends always puts me in a better mood (one of the many science-backed health benefits of companionship, by the way). But that doesn’t always make mustering the enthusiasm to grab dinner any easier. I’m an adult with a full-time job, household chores, and a long-term partner. And with the few hours I have left after tending to those things, I try to regain my energy with some quality self-care. So if you’re straight-up exhausted and struggling to make time for your friends, I’m right there with you.
Still, as draining as being a grown-up can be, you really shouldn’t get into the habit of putting your buddies on the back burner, Rebecca Schwartz-Mette, PhD, associate professor of psychology at the University at Buffalo (SUNY) and director of the Building Interpersonal Resilience and Community Health (BIRCH) Lab, tells SELF. “I’d caution against counting on these relationships to stay close without some type of regular effort,” Dr. Schwartz-Mette says. She likens maintaining friendships to caring for houseplants: Sure, they can endure a little bit of neglect here and there, but even the most resilient ones will die without regular sprinkles of attention.
So what should you do if you love your pals to death but seriously need a nap? We asked a couple of experts for some low-effort strategies that can help you nurture your friendships—and yourself.
1. First, recognize your exhaustion as an opportunity to adjust—not cancel—your plans.
You’re not a terrible friend if you’re thinking of bailing on that girls’ night out so you can watch Netflix in bed, or you’re too depleted from work to pick up a spontaneous FaceTime call. You’re just tired, and human, and that’s totally valid. Still, if you only make time for your pals when your spirits are high, your hangs might be few and far between (because, again, adulthood). That’s why Dr. Schwartz-Mette recommends looking at your lack of excitement from a different angle: It’s not necessarily a sign to avoid socializing altogether, but perhaps an opportunity to start choosing activities that better match your energy level.
“Adult friendships are rife with missed calls and canceled plans, so don’t wait around to feel better before connecting with friends,” she says. By recognizing that you don’t always have to be your most vibrant self around your pals, you open the door to more laid-back ways to bond—ones you’ll actually look forward to, she adds. That brings us to our next few suggestions….
2. Send that text now, not later.
If an Instagram meme reminds you of an inside joke with your BFF or you’ve been meaning to reply to their text but work’s been hectic, just tap that message out now—not when you “have more time,” Melanie Ross Mills, PhD, a Dallas-based therapist and the author of The Friendship Bond, tells SELF. That free moment may never come, Dr. Mills says, or maybe (probably) you’ll get distracted by life and forget to reach out. Plus, if you’re like me, the longer you wait, the guiltier you feel—making you even more likely to put off checking in.
When you do write your friend, Dr. Mills recommends going beyond a generic “Hey, how are you” and getting specific. For example, tell them how, exactly, that TikTok video took you back to that college memory. Or if the childhood bestie you haven’t talked to in months is suddenly on your mind, Dr. Schwartz-Mette suggests letting them know with something like, “Hey! Life’s been so crazy and I wish we could catch up. Just know I miss you and am thinking of you.” Personalizing the message will show your friend that you value them, she says—which is important for maintaining your bond.
Obviously, cat memes and spontaneous check-ins shouldn’t substitute IRL meetups, but they can go a long way towards keeping you connected on those weeks that you’re running on empty, Dr. Schwartz-Mette adds.
3. Don’t be afraid to suggest something super low-key.
The mere thought of getting dressed up, hopping into your car, and driving to and from an hours-long hang may be draining in and of itself—I really, really get it. But capital-P plans, like a trip to the movie theater or a drawn-out meal, aren’t the only ways to connect.
“Maybe you need downtime in your sweatpants. In that case, invite a friend to come over and cook an easy meal together—no real clothes or clean kitchens required!” Dr. Schwartz-Mette suggests. Or consider swapping life updates over the phone as you do your skin care routine and wind down for bed. You don’t need grand plans to make up for not seeing them in a long time, say, or canceling your last coffee date. “It’s more than possible to bring a friend into the more mundane or ordinary parts of your day too,” Dr. Schwartz-Mette says.
4. Fold socializing into your to-do list.
Speaking of mundane activities, another flexible option that won’t require much effort or totally disrupt your jam-packed schedule is simply combining your socializing time with the tasks you need to do anyway, both experts say.
So, if you know you have to stop by the post office on Sunday morning, why not get toasted chai lattes with your friend at a cute café nearby? “You can also invite them to join you in your scheduled workout class, volunteering opportunity, or something that you’re already participating in,” Dr. Mills says. That way, you’re making time for them without overwhelming yourself.
5. If you’re truly too exhausted to socialize, be honest and suggest a specific plan for next time.
Avoid saying something vague like, “Next time, for sure!” or “Let’s catch up soon.” Instead, Dr. Schwartz-Mette recommends explaining the reason(s) you can’t meet up this time—your unexpectedly busy schedule, perhaps, or the wave of exhaustion that just hit you—so they won’t assume the worst and think you’re avoiding them. Then, she suggests initiating a game plan for your next meetup, so that it’s more likely to actually happen.
This can look like offering to make a dinner reservation at that trendy Italian restaurant you’ve been meaning to check out together, or proposing that the two of you go see the new Mean Girls movie next weekend—or rewatch the original on your couch in your pajamas. “If it’s a relationship you really want to prioritize, put on your big kid pants and communicate,” Dr. Schwartz-Mette says.
Of course, you shouldn’t force yourself to spend time with someone—yes, even someone you love—if you’re really burnt out or desperately need a moment of solitude, Dr. Mills says. (And if you never feel up to hanging out with a certain person, that might be a sign to re-evaluate whether or not that relationship is worth prioritizing.) But let the advice above assure you that there are simple ways to nurture your friendships when you’re busy and exhausted—so that connecting with your pals fills you up instead of stressing you out.
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