How Jamal Hill Navigated the Hardest Year of His Athletic Career

You don't judge a decision based off the very next thing

that happens or the thing that happens

in the next six months, you know, you need time.

So 2023 was an extremely challenging year

for my mental health as it pertains

to my professional swimming and athletic career.

I think one thing that really kind of teed it up

is just that not only as athletes,

but as people, a lot of times we can fall into the fallacy

of thinking just because we do something good

or we do something right, that everything that then comes

after it should be easy.

You know, like you make the right decision

and now, oh great, like life is just gonna reward you.

You won't have any struggles.

And that's really what a lot of 2023 was like for me.

I started the year out just deciding

to part ways from a really big sponsor in the past of mine.

And that was just a matter of alignment.

I felt like it was more in integrity for me not to be

in that space anymore.

And initially it felt really, really good.

And I'm not saying, you know, sell your integrity.

All I'm saying is that it's hard to eat integrity.

[laughing] And so, you know, as the year went on

and months past, I just started to feel more

and more again, like those burdens of real life, that again,

like consequences of even positive decisions

can still have negative repercussions.

And a lot of that, I think financial stress started

to bleed into my competitive mindset.

And then on my competitive mindset,

I wanted to be the best, right?

Who doesn't?

And, and I felt like, wow,

well this person is faster than me,

or that person's faster than me.

Maybe I should try and train like them.

Maybe I should try and go be them instead of being me.

And so I embarked on that journey

and it led me all the way to World Championships

of last year, which turned out

to be the first international competition

of my entire Paralympic career where I did not earn a medal.

So that just kind of compounded it, right?

From great, I'm doing this right thing for myself

and for my spirit.

To, well, did I make the right decision?

And all the doubts that come with that.

To, well, I thought this was the right decision in terms

of my strategy for competing.

And now I don't have anything to show for that either.

So how do I really discern right

when I'm making the right decisions and when I'm not?

The moment that you are attempting something new

in an attempt to become someone else as opposed

to a more evolved version of yourself,

chances are you're on the wrong track.

I think self-doubt was the seed of it all for me,

doubt in the previous decisions I made,

because I felt like, again,

I did something good for myself,

I should be rewarded, life.

Didn't you get the memo?

But life was like, no, dude.

Like good job, kudos.

But you know, you still gotta, you still got a life, bro.

But all of it really climaxed into my very first tattoo.

It's just right across my chest

here, right across my hearts.

Anytime I'm swimming, which you all will

see me swim this summer.

It says I am.

And there's a period, it's a punctuation

and it's got a lot of meaning for me.

The biggest is just that I am who I say I am.

I am enough, I am capable.

Okay, I know times are hard right now,

but don't worry, I am strong enough

to outlast these tough times.

I am tougher than the tough times.

You know, that's a big thing.

Tough times don't last but tough people do.

So anyone out there on your own mental health journey,

compare it to climbing a mountain.

You know, you climb that first mountain, you get to the top,

things are great at the top, you know, it's like,

oh my God, I love it up here.

Such great views, you know, I've got everything I need.

I've got this, I've got that.

But life doesn't stop, you know?

So maybe you're looking out

and you see something else in the distance.

Maybe it's another mountain.

Maybe there's something over here, over there.

My whole point is you gotta come back down the mountain

in order to get to that next place

or to get to that next step.

And climbing back down the mountain

is a treacherous journey.

You know, a lot of people can judge you.

Hey, why didn't you stay up there? Hey, things were so good.

Oh, you fell off.

Oh wow, you thought you were somebody, huh?

Welcome back.

You get to the bottom.

You still gotta go through lions, tigers, and bears.

But that's just what comes with it.

There's ups and downs for real ones.

And take pride in that.

Enjoy your journey. Love yourself.

No a hundred percent of anyone else

that's gonna a hundred percent fit to you.

Be a student. Take what you can.

Learn what you can, apply what you can.

A part of that comes with failure.

You know, like you gotta fail in order to win.

Any champion has probably lost more times

than anyone who's never become a champion.

Love your life.

Love the people who love you,

and just remember you are enough.

[uplifting music]