Stop Being a Doormat: How to Assert Your Needs Confidently

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Do you feel like everyone’s walking all over you, taking what they need with little concern for what you need? Perhaps you loan money that isn’t repaid, get stuck chairing another committee because you’re afraid to say no, or go out of your way to help your sister, who never offers to return the favor. These are signs of being a human doormat, sacrificing yourself to please others.

Signs of People-Pleasing or Passivity

• People take advantage of your kindness.
• You’re afraid to say no because you don’t want to upset or disappoint people.
• You feel burnt out because you’re giving more than your share.
• You don’t take care of yourself because you’re too busy taking care of everyone else.
• People expect you to go the extra mile but don’t appreciate it when you do.
• You agree to things out of guilt or obligation.
• You apologize for things you didn’t do or cause.
• You spend time with people you don’t like.
• You avoid conflicts.
• You compromise your values to fit in or please others.

The Balance Between Generosity and Self-Sacrifice

Generosity and helping others are usually good things, but overgiving can harm you. You may not notice the ways you’re harmed because you’re used to being taken advantage of. It’s also easy to minimize or justify self-sacrifice as necessary for the greater good. You don’t have to stop giving altogether but find a way to balance giving and receiving so you aren’t constantly depleted or resentful.

To be healthy, we need more than nutritious food and a good night’s sleep; we need emotional and spiritual nourishment. Self-care activities such as exercising, singing, praying, or meditating can help meet these needs. Other needs are fulfilled through relationships with others. This could include a hug, someone saying “thank you” or validating your feelings. It's not sustainable to expend energy without replenishing it or care for others without ensuring your needs are met.

Fear Contributes to Passivity

Fear often prevents us from being assertive and asking for what we need in our relationships.

Consider what fears are getting in the way of you being more assertive. Many of us fear hurting people’s feelings, rejection, abandonment, conflict, being seen as difficult, and having our needs ignored. As a result, being a doormat feels like the safest and easiest option. However, it also feels terrible to be treated like you don’t matter and are just there to make others happy.

If you grew up in a chaotic or dysfunctional family, self-sacrificing and people-pleasing behaviors may have been essential to keep yourself or others safe and manage an unpredictable situation.

As an adult, you have more choices and coping skills. You can find your voice and reap the rewards of being more assertive. By overcoming these fears, you can achieve a balance that respects both yourself and others, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Learning Assertiveness

Sometimes, assertiveness is confused with aggression but they are actually drastically different approaches. "When we're aggressive, we don't respect other people's needs and feelings; we're harsh, hurtful, and demanding, believing that our needs and feelings supersede others'. But when we're assertive, we convey our needs and feelings clearly and directly, in a way that respects ourselves and others" (Martin 2021).

Tips for Practicing Assertive Communication

• Check in with yourself regularly to know what you’re feeling and what you need. You can’t ask for what you want if you don’t know what it is.
• Prepare for difficult conversations by planning and practicing what you want to say. Writing a script can be helpful.
• Pick an optimal time to express your thoughts and feelings, ensuring that you have the other person’s full attention. It doesn’t work to try to talk to someone when they’re engrossed in their phone or computer; nor is it productive to talk to someone who’s under the influence or already very angry.
• If you’re angry or anxious, do something to calm yourself first.
• Be clear and direct in asking for what you want. We often make the mistake of expecting people just to know what we want. No matter how long you’ve been married or how long you’ve worked for the same boss, it’s not fair to expect them to know what you want or need. You have to ask directly.
• Remain true to your feelings and needs. Asking doesn’t guarantee that your needs will be met, but you still have the right to ask.
• Use “I statements” to express your feelings and needs without blame. Here’s an example: I am feeling ____________ (unappreciated) because __________ (I went out of my way to drive you to the airport and you didn’t say thank you) and I’d like ___________ (you to acknowledge my feelings).
• Listen actively to understand the other person’s point of view.
• Practice assertiveness regularly to make it easier.

The Benefits of Assertive Communication

Assertive communication can seem scary or uncomfortable. So, why should you try to use it?

• Assertive communication promotes respect from others and increases self-respect. We respect people who stand up for themselves. And you’ll feel good about yourself when you value your feelings and needs rather than ignoring them.
• It increases the chances of getting your needs met. This might be your need for more rest, to explore your interests, or to feel accepted and loved for who you are.
• Assertiveness increases relationship satisfaction because you’re being authentic and creating balance in your relationships. Satisfying relationships consider both people’s needs; they aren’t one person taking and one person giving.

People-Pleasing Essential Reads

Ditch People-Pleasing With Smile-Seeking

Breaking the Cycle of People-Pleasing

While some may initially resist your increased assertiveness, most will adjust if given time. Changing relationship dynamics isn’t easy, but people who care about you want to understand your needs and treat you well. Give them a chance to meet your needs. If they can't, use this information to determine the level of closeness you want in the relationship moving forward.