there should be a legal defense for young women who attempt gruesome crimes upon the gross older men who think they're in a mutually romantic relationthere should be a legal defense for young women who attempt gruesome crimes upon the gross older men who think they're in a mutually romantic relationship with them.
especially if you can tell they're thinking about sex in a really weird way.
i would never convict yamasaki in a court of law.
this book, though, is guilty of the crime that is literary sex scenes...i will never recover from some of these descriptions.
i expected this book to have some serious self-awareness, and while i think it is striving towards that, it doesn't really get there. i did everything i was supposed to: separated the protagonist from the author, accepted the potential of an unreliable narrator, tried to have a good time. but whatever point about gender and power this was trying to make, whether it's my opinion or not, it didn't accomplish it.
and for that reason, i am out.
bottom line: a book i enjoyed so little i am subjecting it to the cruel and unusual punishment that is a shark tank reference.
magical dark academia horror about scary girls...it felt fated that i would like this book.
and i did. for a while.
in fact, i LOVED!!!! the first pagesmagical dark academia horror about scary girls...it felt fated that i would like this book.
and i did. for a while.
in fact, i LOVED!!!! the first pages of this — so atmospheric and intriguing, and unlike anything i'd read since ninth house, a book high i've been chasing for years.
unfortunately i do believe that 3 characters is too many to follow this closely and with unique points of view, that we embarked on our plot too quickly, and that there was so much gore and grossness and vomit as to reduce the impact of the ultimate climax.
similarly the ending was sweet, but these characters leaned too heavy into their stereotypes to be really memorable. that's what happens when we have too many to follow: we end up with The Rebel, The Witch, and The Nerd.
but contrary to all the complaining i just did...i'm going to follow this author.
bottom line: a lot of good! not enough. but a lot.
i want every mystery novel to make me feel totally stumped and also like the smartest amateur detective on earth. so i'm not asking for much.
just kiddi want every mystery novel to make me feel totally stumped and also like the smartest amateur detective on earth. so i'm not asking for much.
just kidding, i'm asking for too much.
this was formatted like a bunch of files, which was fun, except some files are by definition boring.
other than that this was a good time: is it a cult? is it magic? is it institutional failures?
the ultimate reveal on this mystery felt overly complex and disappointing, as did the ending itself, but i by and large had a good time reading this book, and i guessed some but not all.
which is more than i can say for a lot of mysteries.
bottom line: i had an okay time, and i'll take it.
things nicolas cage and jo firestone have in common: - national treasure
this is funny and if you ever have an opportunity to have jo firestone read alothings nicolas cage and jo firestone have in common: - national treasure
this is funny and if you ever have an opportunity to have jo firestone read aloud a reality tv-show based cozy mystery involving murder, jell-o, and fake teeth, i recommend you take it.
even if it doesn't quite stick the landing, more cozy mysteries should be like this.
this one's for all my true crime haters out there.
and also for my general haters out there. because i didn't like this book.
like s'mores, or the kind this one's for all my true crime haters out there.
and also for my general haters out there. because i didn't like this book.
like s'mores, or the kind of chocolate chip cookie that's currently popular where it's essentially grainy dough in the middle, this is a great concept that does not achieve what it sets out to. in the first two cases, it's to be yummy. in this case, it's to remind us that behind every garish crime headline, there are real people trying their best.
we are presented with a potential crime and some of the people that surround it: lucy, a lonely child who may have committed a murder; carmel, her distant onetime teen mom; richie, carmel's alcoholic brother; john, their withholding father; the specters of john's first and second wives; and tom, the journalist who's set out to write about all of them.
the goal of this book is to humanize this cast. and much like the outer bites of the aforementioned chocolate chip cookies, or the part of the s'mores process where you're toasting the marshmallow and you haven't yet undergone the gunky sticky textural nightmare eating of it, there are moments where it's very effective.
this is true of carmel's case. richie has moments of searing sympathy, too. but i felt equally left outside of lucy, john, rose, and tom by the conclusion as i did at the outset. we never get much insight into the first three, and what we do hear from tom happens early and contradicts itself often.
i like the intention here, which it shares with penance, a book i was very impressed by. but like the author's first novel, i think it fell a bit short.
bottom line: the disappointing cookie of books....more
my only hope and desire for this book was that it scare me so much i would be rendered completely unable to sleep.
so imagine my devastation when it wamy only hope and desire for this book was that it scare me so much i would be rendered completely unable to sleep.
so imagine my devastation when it was not only not scary, but bad.
here are just a few of the myriad examples of its eternal capacity for disappointment:
1) this is so unbelievably british that i actually googled if the author is even from england. it's giving one direction fanfiction written by an american 15 year old with a polyvore account. i'm ready to throw my hair into a messy bun and gaze into harry styles' green orbs.
2) you cannot have this unbelievably intrusive, annoying person-narrator and also have the narrator be omnipotent. this is creative writing 101. you have to pick a lane. if i'm picking for you, i'd choose the option that isn't giving theater kid, but it's up to the author really.
3) okay, you chose theater kid. that's fine. except having a narrator who is a bad writer just means your book is going to be poorly written. and i guess that's fine too. but maybe consider the rest of us when deciding page count next time.
4) so many nouns used in back to back sentences. you know that thing? does that bother anyone else? catch me rephrasing in my own head instead of reading. just freelance, unpaid copyediting for nothing but a bad attitude and a love of the game.
5) for a book that uses the word island on every page it sure forgets where it is. calling an ambulance if you're in the middle of the sea isn’t going to help, bucko!
6) the plot has some serious holes in it, as in i don't believe that characters would do what they end up doing. in spite of spending a lot of time spent talking self-indulgently about the importance of motive, the book doesn't listen to its own advice.
7) it also can't decide whether it's about one truly evil person, or a group of bad people, or the inherent badness of everyone, and ends up somewhere unsatisfying between all of them — one person punished excessively, the others floating off to a life of joy after their sins and their pettiness to spend their days dancing and doing yoga like a yogurt commercial.
even though they, too, suck.
as does this book.
bottom line: the scariest part of this whole thing was that it somehow kept getting worse.
i enjoyed a popular book. i think i'm well past due my invite at this point.
this is a fun book that is sometimes realcan i sit at the cool kids table?
i enjoyed a popular book. i think i'm well past due my invite at this point.
this is a fun book that is sometimes really repetitive and sometimes really boring and only has half of a satisfying ending, and yet it's still a quick read.
that is literally all i expect or desire from a popular YA mystery.
bottom line: i'm going to read every book in this series until i ruin it for myself <3...more
welcome to...THE APRILVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES.
wow. i've outdone myself on the terrible pun, so you know what that means: we're back at it with prowelcome to...THE APRILVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES.
wow. i've outdone myself on the terrible pun, so you know what that means: we're back at it with project long classics, in which i divvy up an intimidating classic over a month in order to feel smart and accomplished. even though this one is just a bunch of fun crime puzzles.
but the real mystery is the order i'm reading this series in.
DAY 1: A SCANDAL IN BOHEMIA, PART ONE these don't divide evenly, so i'm going to read them in half-story chunks. or just go for it. i can't decide.
i first read this story in an english 101 class, and i have the same opinion today as i did then: sherlock holmes goes down as one of the greatest characters of all time, but arthur conan doyle's real masterpiece was irene adler.
DAY 2: A SCANDAL IN BOHEMIA, PART TWO no one is doing it like her!!! she really is on a whole different level to quote sherlock himself.
similarly, i doubt that these stories will ever get as good as this first one. the only problem with it is it's much too short. follow irene for the whole volume i say. rating: 4.5
DAY 3: THE RED-HEADED LEAGUE, PART ONE every single sherlock holmes story has this bit where he says 4 extremely specific things to a stranger and they're like "what the devil —" and he explains his deductions. and yet it hits every time.
"I am a very stay-at-home man, and as my business came to me instead of my having to go to it, I was often weeks on end without putting my foot over the door-mat." introvert who works remotely representation is so important.
DAY 4: THE RED-HEADED LEAGUE, PART TWO i have to say, creating an institution to celebrate red-headed men and faking a photography hobby in order to attempt to steal some french gold...well, that's whimsical as hell.
but it's no irene adler. rating: 3.5
DAY 5: A CASE OF IDENTITY, PART ONE this is anout of a woman getting ghosted. if only we each had a sherlock holmes in a time like this.
DAY 6: A CASE OF IDENTITY, PART TWO well. it's not as fun when we catch the guy but there is no JUSTICE.
i would've answered yes to sherlock's little "should i beat him with a riding crop," even. rating: 3
DAY 7: THE BOSCOMBE VALLEY MYSTERY, PART ONE my life's nightmare is to be watson's wife. unnamed, uninteresting. just being like "yeah totally, take your 80th day off from your job so far this year to go do unpaid labor as the guy sherlock makes look stupid in order to emphasize his intelligence. i'll just be sitting here powered down until your return regardless."
DAY 8: THE BOSCOMBE VALLEY MYSTERY, PART TWO it's like...okay, this guy committed a murder to prevent his daughter from having to marry a guy that she immediately marries anyway. and then it's a happily ever after. not our finest logic on this one. rating: 3
DAY 9: THE FIVE ORANGE PIPS, PART ONE every one of these stories begins with watson being like "sherlock is an unparalleled genius...he has never been defeated...irene adler got lucky..." and now all of a sudden he's like "well, for 8 years he solved some stuff on occasion but mostly he was all, i got nothing." what happened???
i gotta say, i'm not feeling confident that he's going to figure out the 2.5 murders we've just been presented with.
DAY 10: THE FIVE ORANGE PIPS, PART TWO yep. this is the story of how sherlock holmes takes on the might of american institutional racism and loses.
pretty depressing. rating: 3
DAY 11: THE MAN WITH THE TWISTED LIP, PART ONE in this story a guy finds out that it's actually friday when he thought it was wednesday and bursts into tears. i've done the exact same thing in the reverse situation.
DAY 12: THE MAN WITH THE TWISTED LIP, PART TWO this one was very fun. even if it did hinge upon having a conservative comedian's concept of what begging is. rating: 3.5
DAY 13: THE ADVENTURE OF THE BLUE CARBUNCLE, PART ONE my fiance has a sherlock holmes board game in which you get a case description, a copy of a newspaper, a map of london, and a directory and have to solve a mystery from there. there has never been a game that i like so much while being so bad at. this case is reminding me why.
DAY 14: THE ADVENTURE OF THE BLUE CARBUNCLE, PART TWO to be fair, i could also solve a goose-based mystery if some criminal-looking guy showed up at the goose stand yelling about a missing goose. that doesn't take sherlock holmes levels of deduction.
i have to say, though, i respect his anti-prison industrial complex inclinations. rating: 3.5
DAY 15: THE ADVENTURE OF THE SPECKLED BAND, PART ONE "Very sorry to knock you up, Watson," said he, "but it's common lot this morning. Mrs. Hudson has been knocked up, she retorted on me, and I on you." eventful day.
it is so funny that this story hinges on the idea that if a lady has to clean up after herself her hair will go gray by 30 from strain. who's going to start doing my laundry for me then??? then again, in this same story women can die simply "of fear," so i probably don't have much to go on.
DAY 16: THE ADVENTURE OF THE SPECKLED BAND, PART TWO soooo satisfying. you love to see it. like a scandal in bohemia, i read this one in school, and also like it it's one of the best. rating: 4
DAY 17: THE ADVENTURE OF THE ENGINEER'S THUMB, PART ONE the intros to these get real repetitive reading them one after the other like this. "Of all the cases I have known Mr Sherlock Holmes to take on..." "In all my years as assistant to the great Mr Sherlock Holmes..." "Out of every mystery in the time I spent with the renowned detective..." etc etc.
DAY 18: THE ADVENTURE OF THE ENGINEER'S THUMB, PART TWO honestly, if i were nearly stamped to death by a hydraulic press and got away with just a chopped-off thumb, i'd be like "thank you very much" and mind my business. no running to quirky detectives for me. rating: 3
DAY 19: THE ADVENTURE OF THE NOBLE BACHELOR, PART ONE this one is about sherlock holmes using his divine powers of deduction to figure out why a couple he knows broke up. which is literally exactly what i would use my divine powers of deduction for if i had them.
DAY 20: THE ADVENTURE OF THE NOBLE BACHELOR, PART TWO justice for lord st. simon. being left immediately post-wedding and then not even being the main character of my own mystery would be my villain origin story. rating: 3
DAY 21: THE ADVENTURE OF THE BERYL CORNET, PART ONE i mean...i'm not going to say on jeff bezos' internet that stealing shouldn't be a crime and should in fact be a robin hood-style accoladed achievement if done from the senior partner of one of london's largest private banks...but i am going to heavily imply it.
DAY 22: THE ADVENTURE OF THE BERYL CORNET, PART TWO women, am i right.
ok it is actually very funny to refer to a gun used in self-defense as a life preserver. rating: 3.5
DAY 23: THE ADVENTURE OF THE COPPER BEECHES, PART ONE i love sherlock holmes for reading watson's plethora of what is essentially john x sherlock fanfiction and being like..."not enough ME in this."
DAY 24: THE ADVENTURE OF THE COPPER BEECHES, PART TWO what an insane tonal shift to close this entire collection out. but in a fun way, i have to admit.
spoke too soon. i wish i had checked doesthedogdie.com on this one. rating: 3.5
OVERALL some of these stories were much stronger than others (i love you forever irene adler), but overall sherlock holmes is the world's most famous detective for a reason. these are generally clever and fun.
hard to imagine a book that sounds better to me than a literary retelling of hades and persephone.
oh MAN this was a ride.
sure, it brought up a lot ofhard to imagine a book that sounds better to me than a literary retelling of hades and persephone.
oh MAN this was a ride.
sure, it brought up a lot of conversations it wasn't ready to finish or even have—big pharma, the opioid epidemic, race in america.
sure, it ended just when it had to prove the mother/daughter point it had been scurrying around for several hundred pages.
sure, our persephone (cory) was annoying and insecure and our demeter (emer) was selfish and obsessive and i pitied and despised our hades (rolo).
and yes, it's so goofy that we have to act like this pharmaceutical executive and total creep is someone we can take seriously and not named after a chocolate caramel candy only good for throwing in movie theater popcorn.
but i was consumed by it!
i read this on one of spring's perfect, balmy days, and it was heady and immersive. i felt that august feeling of hot days, cool nights, climbing exhausted into bed with dirty feet and bedraggled hair. i loved our terrible normal characters and this writing. in spite of its flaws.
bottom line: i want summer and more books from this author.
if anyone has any leads on grocery lists or post-it reminders, i'm all ears.
i would have liked this in the market for anything melissa albert writes.
if anyone has any leads on grocery lists or post-it reminders, i'm all ears.
i would have liked this book even more if i didn't know what level of creepy dark gorey evil girl witch fairytale gritty glamorous magic melissa albert was capable of.
but i do, so this was a level below.
i liked some things about this — evil girls, friendship, possession — and didn't like others — thrown in romance with a guy with a bob, abrupt ending, eh relationships, kind of inconsistent deus ex machina logic around the creepy nonsense magic.
but i like melissa albert everything at least a little bit.
bottom line: as long as this author writes creepy evil magic girls, i'll be reading....more
i'm going to keep reading this series as long as it keeps coming. to my eternal detrimenti'm going to keep reading this series as long as it keeps coming. to my eternal detriment...more
sure, this book is pretty ridiculous, and all of its lines of dialogue feel like punch-ups on a netflix show written by millennials about gen z, and tsure, this book is pretty ridiculous, and all of its lines of dialogue feel like punch-ups on a netflix show written by millennials about gen z, and there's an unnecessary love triangle, and all of the characters are pure evil or worse, annoying, and it's inexplicably and clumsily written from the point of view of a teenage boy who is forced to learn a lesson about how Women Are People Too at the end à la an after-school special or a video you'd watch in health class...
sure, become a mermaid because of the weight of bigotry in the world...but do you have to be SO DRAMATIC about it.
i loved the idea of this book so mucsure, become a mermaid because of the weight of bigotry in the world...but do you have to be SO DRAMATIC about it.
i loved the idea of this book so much (satirical ish literary horror about a swimming star who chooses to become a mermaid because of the weight of misogyny and homophobia and racism), but the execution...not so much!
the language felt sloppy and imprecise in that hard-to-define underedited-debut way, and despite being categorized as a horror novel i would say only one scene really qualified as such.
otherwise it tended more toward melodrama and hit-you-over-the-head themes and arguments. here's an example, when our protagonist has recently sustained a head injury and is conspicuously refusing to answer her doctor's very normal question (how's the pain): "He misunderstood.
How was I supposed to differentiate between the pain due to the concussion and the pain due to the agony of everyday human life?"
yikes.
if i am being fully honest—and to the eternal chagrin of myself, my loved ones, and the world around me, i usually am—this was annoying and boring. in our main character, in the frustrating writing, and in how obvious and repetitive all the themes are.
i cannot stand being talked down to as a reader, especially for themes as simple as "bigotry abounds."
bottom line: my biggest, hardest NOPE in a while!...more
sapphic literary horror with a gorgeous cover...i like all of these words.
and the point of this book is: the ocean is scary! i find all of the great usapphic literary horror with a gorgeous cover...i like all of these words.
and the point of this book is: the ocean is scary! i find all of the great unknowns frightening: the deep sea. space. the figurative one. my own self.
in fact, they're a lot scarier than anything else. all of the most wicked and evil horror movies have faceless villains, like human greed or vague hauntings or creeping insanity.
so true to form, the best part of this book was like...the 40% mark to the 90% mark. the growing unease. the increasing dread. the mystery.
the ocean is so unknown and so mythical-feeling that this book may not have worked. but instead it grounded (forgive the pun) itself with tangible real world terms and googleable things, managing to feel real while insane things were happening.
this was scary and gross (good) and not much else (not good). it had that kind of debut-y underedited overwritten style that eventually kills me, and i found the characters and their friendships and dynamics pretty unrealistic and annoying...but i f*cking love vietnamese food and scariness and this had both, so we can generally call this a win.
bottom line: i am both hungry and disturbed. rare combo!...more
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