It’s happened again: you’re home for the weekend, or the holidays, or just on a random Tuesday, and your uncle just wont stop accidentally misgendering you. You’ve chatted with him before, he says he doesn’t want to disrespect you, but he can’t wrap his head around gender-neutral pronouns. How can “they” refer to just one person, he asks? He just doesn’t get it! (Maybe you are that relative, and you’ve found your way to this article, in which case, welcome! This is a safe space for uncles who want to do better.)
Many trans people find ourselves caught between well-intentioned yet incredibly confused family members who claim they want to get it right and the sheer exhaustion of having to explain pronouns yet again. Even many MSNBC-viewing self-styled LGBTQ+ allies, as we can personally attest, struggle to use “they” correctly. But rehashing the same conversation about gender-neutral pronouns with the same people again and again can feel akin to Sisyphus pushing a boulder up the hill, only to have it roll down on top of you.
There are plenty of cisgender people who willfully misgender trans folks, and there isn’t an excuse for that. But for the people in your life who you do sense have a kind heart and desire to learn, but just aren’t getting it, practice can make a huge difference. Rather than expending your precious energy having another chat about they/them pronouns over Peruvian Independence Day — that one’s also personal — we created this guide to equip your family with tips to help them get used to gender-neutral pronouns instead. Hopefully our tips below will save you some time and effort while giving them a chance to do some labor.
From practicing in the mirror to using apps, here are some tips for your cis friends and family members to understand gender-neutral pronouns.
Realize that you already use gender-neutral pronouns.
Friends and family members who struggle to use singular, gender-neutral pronouns often use “they” all the time without realizing it. If you don’t know the gender of an unnamed person referenced in a conversation, for example, you’ll typically use a gender-neutral pronoun as a grammatical convenience. Here’s just one example. If someone tells you, “I had to take my friend to the hospital,” you’d probably respond with something like: “Oh, no! Are they okay?” You almost never say “he or she” in colloquial speech; it simply doesn’t sound natural on the tongue.
So, if someone is struggling to use singular “they,” show them that the pronoun is already an established part of their vocabulary whenever someone’s gender is unknown.
Remind yourself that you don’t know people’s gender based on their appearance!
Keeping the above in mind, it’s easier to use “they” when you understand that someone’s name and physical appearance are not necessarily indicative of their gender. If it’s helpful at first to pretend like you don’t know someone’s name or have never seen them before, that can help train your mind to default to “they” because — as noted above — it’s what you’d say anyway in that situation!
Practice with other friends, family, or even your dog.
The people who make up clichés weren’t lying when they said that “practice makes perfect.” From tying your shoes, to handwriting, to learning a new language, repetition is what helps us build new neural pathways in our brain. (Don’t take our word for it, there are plenty of studies that assert the same!) That being said, this doesn’t mean you have to rehearse your newfound knowledge with a nonbinary loved one. Instead, you can phone a friend — a.k.a. a cis person who has already mastered singular gender-neutral pronouns in their daily vocabulary — and literally just practice having a conversation about someone who uses they/them pronouns. Mistakes are OK! That’s what practice is for. If you don’t have a cis helper handy, talk to your favorite dog, cat, or rabbit instead. And if worse comes to worse and none of these options work, you can just practice with yourself in the mirror. What matters most is logging some time using they/them pronouns out loud.
Pretend there’s a parrot on the person’s shoulder.
This somewhat controversial trick of unclear origin has floated around LGBTQ+ social media for years — if you came up with it, please get in touch so we can credit you properly — but if you are really stumbling over gender-neutral pronouns, you can pretend like there is a parrot on the person’s shoulder or a cricket in their pocket. This sounds silly, but it can work: In essence, it transforms the singular “they” into a plural “they” with the help of an imaginary creature. Who went to the coffee shop? James and the cricket did, so they went to the coffee shop. To be clear, this is a workaround: Ideally, you would only use this strategy as a stopgap until you can get used to using “they” as a singular gender-neutral pronoun. For that reason, some queer people avoid recommending this tip altogether. But in certain cases, the parrot method can help prevent offense and misgendering. Just please understand that this is a temporary solution, not a permanent one. (Unless James always has a cricket in their pocket.)
Use these helpful apps to practice singular they pronouns
The marvels of modern technology never cease to amaze us, as so many gadgets and gizmos have been invented to solve common problems. Struggling to use gender-neutral pronouns? As it turns out, there is, indeed, an app for that. In fact, there are several, including LGBTQ+ Gender Neutral Pronouns, websites like Practice with Pronouns, and the Minus18 pronoun game, all of which can allow you to practice in more of an independent study mode. These tools are great if the mirror trick isn’t working or if you’re feeling too self-conscious to use the terms incorrectly in front of someone else. Your phone will never judge you!
Don’t be afraid to be corrected. 99.9% of the time, it isn’t personal
Lastly, it’s important to remember that corrections aren’t personal. It can be helpful to reframe your thinking to consider that corrections are about helping you learn a new skill more than anything else. Like learning a new language, fixing our mistakes can help us solidify the right information as we speak about our trans loved ones. Ultimately, trans family members just want to be respected, and a big part of that respect can be taking the time to gender us correctly without asking us to help you too often.