For many trans people, end-of-year holidays can be stressful.
You may be going home to loved ones who don't fully support or understand your identity. Add to that all the mundane annoyances of parachuting into a family affair: overbearing questions, way-too-long hugs from an uncle you’ve met eight times in your life, and getting nagged like you are 14 again.
As travel becomes more commonplace this year, many newly-transitioning folks are going home for the holidays as their authentic selves for the first time. The isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic may have provided you with welcome time away from prying eyes to make some major changes. Or maybe you transitioned years ago but haven’t felt comfortable seeing family and loved ones in person until now.
Transitioning away from family has its benefits and drawbacks, but most of us eventually have to face the challenge of walking through the front door again for the first time as our true selves, seeing familiar faces and fielding uncomfortable stares.
To help you prepare for this possibility, here's a short list of tips to help anyone headed home for the first time show off who they have been all along.
Boundaries are a healthy and essential part of all relationships, even familial ones. Make sure that you let your family know what is appropriate to discuss with you, and what crosses the line.
Maybe you’re comfortable discussing the effects of hormone therapy, for example, but you want your surgical plans to be off-limits. Maybe you don’t want to discuss anything related to transition-related health care. Or maybe you’re an open book. Everyone’s boundaries are in a different place.
Whatever yours are, communicating them straightforwardly before showing up for the holidays will help make the experience more pleasant. It’s always better to clear up as much uncertainty as possible in advance to try to prevent awkward situations from arising.
If you live far away from your extended family, like I do, it is totally fine to ask other family members to do some of the work of bringing the rest of the crew up to speed. If there’s a trusted family member who volunteers to be your advocate and messenger, you can save yourself some of the stress of repeating yourself a dozen times.
Confrontation is never fun and avoiding it with family during the holidays is paramount for many trans people visiting home for the first time. You can communicate your boundaries ahead of time, and do your best to enforce them, but conflicts and microaggressions will inevitably occur.
As a first layer of protection, it’s nice to have a friend to whom you can privately vent about the experience — someone who will listen to you express your annoyance with how your family is acting. Maybe someone at home is making one too many borderline comments, or they’re willfully misunderstanding your experience, and that’s where a friendly ear (or a few) can come in handy.
Almost everyone has a group chat these days, so be sure to lean on yours when you’re feeling irritated, but not totally overwhelmed. It's nice to blow off some steam to stop yourself from boiling over. And one day, when the time comes, pay it forward: Before too long, you’ll have friends who transitioned more recently than you who will need support during their first trips home.
That said, if the situation does become unbearable, you should not hesitate to leave if you can. This may be impossible for many people, but if you have a friend who has offered a place to stay, or if it’s only a short drive to go back to your own space, leaving an environment that is actively hurting you is the best course of action.
Your family may not understand what you are doing, but your mental and physical health should be your top priorities no matter what. Your family will have time to learn more about transgender people, but you may not have the emotional stamina to deal with being misgendered for the fortieth time, so it’s fine to put yourself first at this vulnerable time.
Anger in the moment will likely subside, and then you and your family can reengage to discuss what led to your ducking out — and to figure out what can be done in the future to make sure you feel safe and loved. Remaining in a harmful situation because you are afraid of hurting someone else’s feelings will only hurt you more.
When I first came out to my parents, I knew they would be supportive, but I didn’t want to over-explain every basic point about what it meant to be transgender. I prepared a number of links and books that I could send to my parents to help them understand what I had been going through and how they could best support me.
This two-part primer from Cassie LaBelle is very helpful and is a great resource to send to friends and families before arriving. Making sure that you vet sources before your family looks for them on their own is probably the best idea. That way you can make sure what they are reading is actually helpful instead of misleading or, worse, transphobic.
If things ever feel like they are just too much when you’re dealing with your family, or if you're alone for the holidays because you don’t have family you can visit, just know there are always people ready to talk to if you’re experiencing feelings of suicidality. The holidays can be an emotionally turbulent and draining time, but help is always a phone call away. Both the Trevor Project and Trans Lifeline offer hotlines for anyone who is in need of a safe, judgement-free place for someone to talk. Keep these numbers close by and don’t hesitate to use them.
The Trevor Project’s number is 1-866-488-7386 and their website is thetrevorproject.org.
Trans Lifeline’s number is 1-877-565-8860 and their website can be found at translifeline.org.
Also, if you or someone you know is in crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, text HOME to 741741 or visit SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for additional resources.
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