Welcome to María Pero No Santa, a column where I, María Saldana, will answer your messy life questions. Cuéntame amores, what’s on your mind? What’s in your heart? I may just have a messier answer for you.
Submit your queer sex, dating, and identity questions to María Pero No Santa here.
Hey there, María!
I've recently been wondering about some confusing feelings related to non-monogamy and relationships. I am able to have multiple 'crushes' at once, and the idea of a polycule or non-monogamous/open relationship sounds wonderful, but I am also able to happily have monogamous relationships. I am dating my boyfriend currently, who I love dearly, but I have some strong romantic feelings for our best friend who is kind of a third wheel (in a good way of course) and I honestly don't know what to do! Is this a thing that happens? Is my relationship fluidity a polyamorous-adjacent identity I am unaware of? I feel selfish and confused. Help!
Love,
Crushing and Confused
Hola Crushing and Confused,
There’s a reason a tricycle is so sturdy. Just kidding, unless….
First, I hope that made you giggle. Second, you’re so right to feel confused! Holding the crush on your friend, guilt about possibly hurting your boyfriend, and the expansive world of non-monogamy is a lot, and baby, I feel you. It’s important to keep in mind that non-monogamy isn’t a static label; it’s an active decision. So, it’s less about whether or not you fall under a given label, and more about what you decide you want out of your current relationship. Remembering your autonomy is key, regardless of if you decide to act on your crush and delve into the world of ethical non-monogamy.
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I’ve cycled through different seasons of monogamy and non-monogamy. Sometimes I’d enjoy solo polyamory — which I didn’t even realize had a label at the time. Other times, I would welcome and form romantic connections with multiple people, and then some seasons, I would happily lean into monogamy.
For me, it wasn’t about what I was labeling my actions or aligning with a specific identity, rather it was how I felt taking said actions. I’d pause frequently and ask myself: Does this relationship structure feel in alignment with this current version of me? How do I feel around this person or these people? Do I feel safe and comfortable with them to share my feelings, thoughts, and needs? Who are the people in my support system outside of these romantic connections that I can turn to?
Society tells us that if we’re happily in a monogamous relationship, there’s no way that we can possibly find other people attractive or have desires about folks who aren’t our one partner. This is the trap that many of us fall into due to mononormativity, the idea that monogamy is the only possible relationship structure. We are also told that our romantic partnership has to be the relationship we put above all others. Wanting to prioritize building a relationship with someone is normal, but when we begin to question monogamy, this can also come with guilt that we’re selfish and wrong.
Sometimes we just have crushes! You flirt a little, wink a little, and they may come and go. Other times, those crushes linger and become much more. There are so many factors that may go into why we like someone. I’ve found that trying to rationalize why doesn’t change the fact that the crush is there. In your case, Crushing and Confused, your crush doesn’t negate the fact that you love your boyfriend. If anything, I read this as you allowing yourself to welcome a multitude of emotions and staying open to the connections in your life. The ones currently present and those that will come.
In terms of your question on whether your crush is related to polyamory or non-monogamy, it might be — or it might not. Labels can be affirming for some and limiting for others. I felt so much pressure to have a concrete answer when others would ask me to identify as non-monogamous or not that it created so much anxiety. Even though I thought I was doing a good job at hiding my stress, it inevitably bled into my relationships. I was often on edge from holding so many questions that I hadn’t given myself the time or space to answer, that it became hard to be present with anyone, romantic and non-romantic connections alike. So, I went full hermit mode to focus fully on myself and figure out what I wanted.
Hermit mode is all about taking a time-out to get to know ourselves a little better. It invites stillness, quiet, and intentional thoughts and actions. Begin by gathering your thoughts and feelings; this can look like journaling or leaving yourself voice notes. Then, when you feel able to, communicate with your boyfriend. It may be helpful to start by sharing how you feel in your relationship. For example, you can say how nourishing it is and affirm him as a partner. Then, you can get into what you’ve been feeling in terms of your crush and non-monogamy.
These conversations can be ongoing, so I’d invite you to move through them when you both feel grounded. If you feel like you have trust built in the relationship with your friend who you’re crushing on, explore what your feelings may mean with them. I find it helpful to ask folks for their capacity in hearing and holding what you’ve been carrying. Then, lean into the vulnerability.
A mindful note that this will not be linear. Sometimes by answering one question, ten more take its place. Like nature’s seasons, you’ll find that you hold many eras yourself. We can’t always pinpoint the exact moment when we come into them, but when you look back you’ll see you’ve arrived.
Abrazos,
María Pero No Santa
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