Welcome to María Pero No Santa, a column where I, María Saldana, will answer your messy life questions. Cuéntame amores, what’s on your mind? What’s in your heart? I may just have a messier answer for you.
Submit your queer sex, dating, and identity questions to María Pero No Santa here.
Hola María!
I’ve been wanting to really put myself out there on dates but am terrified of the rejection I may face when letting my dates know I’m non-monogamous. How can I approach dating confidently while exploring this new territory?
Signed,
Poly Pendeja
Hola Poly Pendeja,
Primero, let me just say, good for you! For putting yourself out there, for taking the time to get to know yourself, and for being honest with yourself, and with me, about where you’re at.
Non-monogamy is still heavily stigmatized and misunderstood. There are common misconceptions that non-monogamy breeds infidelity, that it isn’t a valid way to engage in relationships, and that it ultimately doesn’t work. Many of these stereotypes stem from heteropatriarchy and even homonormativity, both of which attempt to define what is acceptable in romantic relationships.
“I think a big misconception about non-monogamy is that ‘anything goes,’ but that is far from the truth,” Jay Watts, a non-monogamous sex counselor and founder of the Center for Empowered Sexual Wellness, tells me. “Jealousy still happens. Communication is key; particularly proactive communication. Boundaries and limitations are essential to discuss, as are psychological safety and sexual health.���
While non-mongamy is generally more accepted in queer and trans communities, it can still be daunting to take on the label of “non-mongamous.” The idea of rejection is truly scary, but it's so important to know that the earlier you voice your desires for non-monogamy, the sooner you'll find people who are compatible with you and your vision.
Let me tell you un cuento. I was enjoying my season of solo polyamory, vibing with a few folks, and things were sexy with all of them. But the moment came when someone wanted a monogamous relationship and I couldn’t give them that. Suddenly, one by one, my connections fizzled, as I started to feel guilty about the way I was showing up in my relationships. I sat in my car with mocos and tears all over my face, sobbing to Tegan and Sara’s “Nineteen” and feeling so lonely — very fitting seeing that I was 19 at the time.
I share this cuento with you because it took me many years to realize that in dating, communicating our boundaries and capacity for relationships is crucial, especially when navigating non-monogamy. My dates were in their right to name their needs and to end things with me when they realized I could not give them more. And I was in my right to be clear about my capacity to meet their needs and name my own.
When approaching non-monogamous relationships, Watts tells me it’s important to discuss these kinds of expectations and boundaries early on, especially if one of you is non-monogamous and the other is not. “Dating someone who is monogamous when you are not can be a very tricky experience as there are incongruent expectations,” Watts says. “It is not impossible, but again, it requires communication, boundaries, and understanding of possible compromises.”
Even if you and your partner(s) are interested in non-monogamy, establishing boundaries and shared guidelines is essential, though this is sometimes easier said than done. Our boundaries and needs will not always match those of others, even if you’ve both agreed to be non-monogamous.
“For some, non-monogamy is an emotional investment in other people without the sexual experiences,” Watts says. “For others, non-monogamy is sexual experiences without the emotional investments, or a combination of the two.” And like most journeys, non-monogamy isn’t fixed and may ebb and flow.
You mentioned wanting some guidance on how to approach dating confidently while practicing non-monogamy. You’re not alone. For many people, telling others that they’re non-monogamous can feel like another layer of “coming out.” That was the case for Britt, a self-described Black, queer, fat, non-binary storyteller, freedom dreamer, and soft life enthusiast.
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“It’s a process I’m still negotiating because of all the internalized shame and judgment that compulsory monogamous heterosexuality has poured into me,” Britt tells me. “Giving myself permission to grow in any direction and not reject or suppress parts of myself is a huge hurdle. If I can fully and wholly belong to me, then it can be much easier to invite and nurture relationships that also value others belonging to themselves and us to each other.”
Finally, my advice is to lean into the expansiveness of non-monogamy, and be direct with possible romantic connections about why it’s important to you and what it means to you. What grounds me is thinking about the queer intimacy I have been able to nurture; I’m reminded that non-monogamy can be a way to exist in all relationships, not just romantic ones.
“Queerness has been such a portal of opening for me and the ability to honor queer intimacy through connections with others feels like I get to live in the abundance that we all deeply long for,” Britt says. “I don’t have to change myself to meet anyone's needs, there is enough space for multiple connections and different relationships, love is not scarce.”
My wish for you, Poly Pendeja, is to allow yourself to experience all parts of it. Give yourself grace and be patient. Mi abuelita always tells me, “el amor cuando es, es.” So let it be.
Abrazos,
Maria Pero No Santa
P.S. There are a plethora of wonderful books, podcasts, and social media accounts that touch on ENM/polyamory. Here are some of Watts’ suggested accounts: @Chillpolyamory @Polypages @RaquelSavage @jetsetjasmine @theroyalfetishfilms @royalfetishradio @therealkingnoire
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