Welcome to María Pero No Santa, a column where I, María Saldana, will answer your messy life questions. Cuéntame amores, what’s on your mind? What’s in your heart? I may just have a messier answer for you.
Submit your queer sex, dating, and identity questions to María Pero No Santa here.
Hola María,
What is a safe way to learn how to have sex with someone assigned female at birth as someone who is also assigned female at birth, without having to watch porn or be going to bed with someone and having to tell them you don't know much and they have to teach you?
Hugs,
Queer (with fear)
Hola Queer (with fear),
Let me just say that queer folx know how to cook it up in the bedroom, and that shouldn't feel daunting. To the contrary, that’ll work in your favor as you explore this connection.
When we think of sex*, we often think of what we’ve been taught by heteropartiarchal society: penetration between a penis and a vulva. It’s not that queer sex can’t involve these things, but we have a plethora of ways to experience pleasure.
Let me set a scene for you. I went on a date with a baddie and after a long day of sightseeing and kissing in different museums, we finally headed to her place. There, she asked me the most important question so far in my life: “Do you wanna watch The Princess Diaries and cuddle?” The Princess Diaries is my favorite movie of all time and my main love languages are quality time and physical touch, so needless to say, I was in heaven.
As clothes came off, she asked me an even more important question than the first: “Is there anything you don’t feel comfortable doing?” My heart (and vagina) cartwheeled as I sunk into the feeling of safety and trust. Her asking for my consent and boundaries allowed me to feel more relaxed and present with her.
Moving on to the sex itself, after we established some preliminary boundaries, Baddie and I continued until I reached my hand between her legs. Here’s an example of what I mean when I say that queer folx know how to get creative in the bedroom.
Me: Wait, I have nails.
Baddie: That’s OK, I have toys.
Now, if you pictured that scene in a spy movie where all their weapons are ceremoniously (and shockingly) revealed, that’s exactly what happened next. The drawer next to her bed held an arsenal of sex toys. We all have a myriad of erogenous zones and ways we like to receive and give pleasure. Leaning into the creativity of pleasure and what it’s like to share pleasure with others has been one of my greatest lessons in queer sex.
All of that is to say: my biggest tip for anyone — especially if you’re feeling some anxiety around having sex — is to ask your partner(s) what they like and what they feel comfortable doing. In my opinion, it’s the sexiest thing when someone asks you what feels good to you. It’s even sexier when those wants/needs are heard enthusiastically by our partners. You can’t just suck on someone’s tetas without knowing if they like that, ya know?
There will also be moments when one thing we did with one partner doesn't necessarily work with another. Our bodies also change, and as someone who has and continues to navigate chronic illness, being honest with myself about where my body is at and what feels pleasurable has only strengthened the ways I can approach partnered sex. That's why consistently checking in and asking for consent throughout is important to all sex, not just new queer sex.
Circling back to your anxiety about not having much experience with queer sex, Baddie also told me she hadn’t had much experience in sex with people with vulvas. But something we talked about during and after sex is that regardless, it was the first time we were having sex with each other. So in an important sense, neither one of us had any experience! Keeping this in mind helps me stay present with partners because each experience is going to be different. Even if you have the privilege of having sex with the same person/people more than once, we bring new things to the experience each time that can shape how things unfold. It also opens up possibilities to talk about how we want to show up for each other during sex and beyond.
Whether that means you discuss the parameters of your relationship now that sex has been introduced, you decide it was a one-time thing, or you choose to not engage further with the person at all, communication is the root of it all. Those conversations should also navigate sexual health and safety. Baddie and I made sure to update each other on HIV/STI tests and that added a layer of sexiness to our connection.
You also mentioned not wanting to rely on porn, which I can understand. Mainstream porn doesn’t offer the most accurate depiction of queer sex, and this can create unrealistic expectations and performance anxiety. I’ll say that ethical porn can be a wonderful tool to explore sex with yourself and others. Please remember to pay sex workers for their labor! Exploring your body’s wants/needs through masturbation can also help when navigating partnered sex, and porn can be a helpful way to allow ourselves to feel and embrace desire.
I have also found that I am the most comfortable and excited for sex when I have taken the time to fill my own cup. Take time to reflect on your wants and needs for this current connection and what you desire outside of it. There are resources like @afrosexology, @ihartericka, @evyan.whitney, @jaytheloveologist, and @bdemoves that invite self-reflection, somatic practices, and embodiment so that we can be honest about our capacity to engage with someone in this wonderful way.
My hope for you Queer (hopefully soon without fear), is that you lean into the experience. Experiencing sex with someone is so special. You are saying that you trust this person with your body and that they can trust you with theirs. This is something that not everyone gets to access. I hope you can embrace the moment for what it is and experience being seen and felt.
Abrazos,
Maria Pero No Santa
P.S. I never thought that The Princess Diaries would be the soundtrack to such a wonderful sexual experience with someone I love so much, pero I am here for the Universe surprising me.
* I define “sex” as enthusiastic, consensual sexual experiences, intimacies, and forms of pleasure. Anything outside of an enthusiastic consent from all folx involved is assault and not what I am speaking about here. There are resources that can support those who have experienced sexual assault / a violation of their minds, bodies, and spirits.
Resources:
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
RAINN-LGBTQ Survivors of Sexual Violence
Resources and Support for Transgender Survivors
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