Welcome to María Pero No Santa, a column where I, María Saldana, will answer your messy life questions. Cuéntame amores, what’s on your mind? What’s in your heart? I may just have a messier answer for you.
Submit your queer sex, dating, and identity questions to María Pero No Santa here.
Hola María!
My partner (she/they) often goes through weeks-long depressive episodes, which inevitably affects our relationship in more ways than one. However, they rarely open up to me about what’s actually going on, and they’re in between therapists so they’re currently not able to speak with a professional.
What’s the best way for me to hold space for them when they say they don’t feel like talking? I want them to feel comfortable feeling uncomfortable with me; I want to help in whatever way I can.
Xoxo,
La Bi-Furiosa
Hola Bi-Furiosa,
Your question is so full of love. I feel it in the way you write about your partner and in your desire to support them. It can be so difficult to see someone we love struggling and in pain.
As a healer, something that I have found is that we are inextricably entwined with the people we love; it’s only natural that your partner’s struggles are impacting your relationship. We often feel our union with our partner more deeply than we know, and witnessing our loved ones in intense and indefinite suffering wounds our heart and spirit.
“Being in a relationship with loved ones who are struggling and/or suffering with their mental health can often feel so agonizing that it can feel like you are grieving; grieving the person you once knew your partner to show up as, or grieving the shift in the relationship dynamics,” my dear friend Ciara Monroe, a radical healing therapist and witch, tells Them.
Sometimes, supporting your partner goes beyond trying to immediately “fix” their problems. Instead, reflecting on why you want to help, evaluating if you have the capacity and knowledge to do so, and asking how they actually want to be shown support can all be ways of easing the pain you’re both feeling.
Why doesn’t my partner respond to the support I show them?
While our intentions might be in the right place, we all have different ways we need care when we’re hurting. “The way we may want to support them and the way we can actually support them can feel misaligned,” Monroe says.
This can feel disempowering at times, as many of us have been taught that caretaking and self-sacrifice are the best ways to show and earn love. However, this can place an unfair burden on both yourself and your partner.
“The reality is that those are harmful expectations and often unobtainable goals as we strive for intimate connection,” Monroe says, “thus leading us to resent our loved ones and/or triggering internalized shame of being undependable and unworthy when it comes to love.”
It is important for us to distinguish between when we are being empathic to our loved ones and when we feel enmeshed with them. This can look like asking ourselves reflective questions such as, “Is my yearning to support this person rooted in empowering them or trying to be the power for them?”
Additionally, your partner may want to receive your support but may be finding it difficult to do so. Many of us were taught that vulnerability is a dangerous or even silly thing to be with others. As a result, many of us have developed survival techniques such as being emotionally distant or emotionally unresponsive, making it difficult to receive or trust love, even if it comes from a safe person. So even when it feels personal, it most likely is something that they are holding and not a reflection of you.
When we are used to not asking or feeling comfortable in receiving help, allowing people, even those we love, to see us in vulnerable states takes time, self-reflection, and exploration. Some of us are able to do that with the help of a professional, but it also occurs in safe and conscious relationships. With time and practice, we can begin to discern when it is right to use our protective thorns and when it is time to receive a rose.
How can I tell when it’s helpful for me to provide support and when it’s time for a professional?
It can also be difficult to both support someone who’s navigating mental health challenges and prevent ourselves from jumping into caretaker mode when we are seeing them do so. Not wanting to get out of bed, crying spells, and irritability can all be indicators that our loved one is going through a hard time. Instead of immediately leaping to “fix” our partners, we should ask ourselves if we have the capacity and ability to help. You might ask yourself, “If this emotional hurt was a physical hurt, would I even be able to mend or treat it?”
For example, if our loved one broke their leg, if we aren’t doctors trained in putting on a cast, then we wouldn't be able to mend it for them. All we would be able to do is drive them to the doctor and help them do things they wouldn't be able to do with a broken leg.
How can I support my partner when they don’t feel like talking?
“Even though we cannot make our loved ones have paradigm shifts, heal their learned/conditioned attachment styles, talk to us, or change their brain chemistry (no matter how much we want to), this does not devalue the significance our support can have in their recovery and/or relief,” says Monroe.
There are ways to offer support to your partner that may not involve talking. Maybe your partner isn’t ready or doesn’t know how to talk about what they’re feeling or going through. Try a creative approach to engaging with them that goes beyond talking; for example, if you know that your partner has a hard time keeping their space clean and organized, offering to do some chores for them can be a great way to show that you are there for them.
“Making them a nourishing meal and offering sensory comforts such as a weighted blanket or a hug can provide other forms of support and may help your partner take that breath of air to make it to the next day,” Monroe adds.
I’d also love to extend a gentle reminder to you, Bi-Furiosa, to care for yourself as much as you’re caring for your partner. We can get so wrapped up in what our loved ones are going through that we put ourselves second. My abuelita always reminds me that we cannot let our cups get dusty. When we pour into ourselves, we strengthen our ability to show up fully, for ourselves and others. And, as I’m sure you witness in your partner, our loved ones are more resilient than we may give them credit for. Your partner may surprise you as they navigate this journey, and you may surprise yourself as you both lean into this season of your relationship.
Abrazos,
María Pero No Santa
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