Is it ever a good idea to attend your high school reunion?
In the 1997 film Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion, Romy (Mira Sorvino) and Michele (Lisa Kudrow) take their 10-year high school reunion as an opportunity to show their classmates how much cooler and successful they have become since high school.
Their elaborate plan, which includes lying about their careers and claiming to have invented Post-Its, spins out of control, ultimately providing sticky notes full of reasons why attending your high school reunion may not be the greatest idea for some people.
Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion follows Michele, played by Lisa Kudrow (left) and Romy, played by Mira Sorvino (right) to their high school reunion.Credit: Touchstone Pictures
But in the real world, how do you decide to go or just stay home?
Dr Rebecca Ray, a clinical psychologist and author of Difficult People, says it’s complicated. “Deciding whether to attend a school reunion can be stressful because it stirs up emotions and memories from adolescence, a time that is harrowing to relive for many people,” she says.
Even receiving the invite can trigger negative emotions, says Ray, which is something she experienced personally when an invite to her 20-year reunion dropped into her inbox.“[I became] very anxious. I had a physical reaction that involved shallow, quick breathing and feeling a little nauseated. I deleted the invitation immediately,” she says.
For Ray, it was a negative high school experience that generated her reaction and made the decision not to attend simple and something she didn’t think twice about. “It was absolutely the right decision for me, and I’d decide the same today,” she says. But for others, it can be more complex.
‘I was approached by a woman who I didn’t recognise but who clearly knew me … I had no idea who she was, and she became really upset.’
29-year-old Lisa on what happened at her high school reunion
Why can it feel so hard to decide?
Dr Elisabeth Shaw, chief executive of Relationships Australia NSW, likens attending reunions to stepping back in time, which can still be challenging even for those who had a positive high school experience.
“People and situations can be frozen in time in your mind and even if you’ve changed you can sometimes expect other people to be the same as they were,” she says.
This element of change can also generate a concern that you may not remember everyone you went to school with, Shaw says. This can cause apprehension about going, or discomfort if it occurs at the event; something that 29-year-old Sydney woman Lisa experienced at her 10-year high school reunion.
“I was approached by a woman who I didn’t recognise but who clearly knew me. It was obvious I had no idea who she was, and she became really upset because at high school we’d been quite close,” says Lisa, who has chosen not to share her surname for privacy reasons.
This encounter caused Lisa to feel not just uncomfortable but on edge the entire event and cast a shadow on her experience.
Pressure or judgement about what you’ve achieved since high school can be other concerns about attending a reunion, things that Ray says are normal and common feelings to experience; inherent to the reunion itself.
“People may be reluctant to attend reunions due to feelings of inadequacy, fear of judgement, or discomfort with reconnecting with past acquaintances. Concerns about how they’ve changed or comparing themselves to others may also play a role,” she says.
High school reunions can bring back akwward memories.Credit: Dominic Lorrimer
For 32-year-old Victorian woman Scarlett, who has chosen not to share her surname, it was another factor that made her ambivalent about attending her reunion: losing touch with her school peers.
“I was a bit hesitant at first, teenage years at school seem to involve at least one or two awkward eras, and I’d lost touch with a lot of the people I’d been at school with,” she says.
The case for attending your reunion
Although there can be reluctance or apprehension among some people, for others, reunions can rouse an almost opposite set of emotions and certainty.
Katie McIver (centre) at her wedding with friends from high school.
“There can be a genuine curiosity about what has happened since school and what people have been up to,” says Shaw. “Sometimes it is simply seen as a fun event, as a way where school friends you’ve continued to stay in touch with can get together.”
This was the case for Victorian woman Katie McIver, who attended her five- and 10-year reunions.
“I missed my 20-year reunion due to being in hospital, and I cried,” she says. “I know I’m not the norm, but I liked high school. I was friends with our whole year level during school years and there’s no one I wouldn’t talk to now. I’m genuinely interested in what they are up to.”
For McIver, the reunion experience also allowed her to reconnect with different people in different ways. “My core friends, I’m still friends with. Half were in my wedding. But the others I had other things in common since leaving school, as our interests broadened, and we go through different stages of life,” she says.
RSVP’d yes but still feeling nervous? Here’s what the experts suggest
- Be prepared. “Visualise positive outcomes; Focus on topics of conversation that interest you and set realistic expectations (people change and also don’t change!),” says Ray.
- Attend with a friend if you can. “Consider attending with someone who is psychologically safe for you,” she says.
- Have an exit plan. “Knowing that it is okay to stay for an hour and go- you have the power now that you didn’t have at school- you’re okay to leave,” says Shaw.
For others, reunions can be an opportunity to show that you are different, for correcting past impressions, resolving injustices or even rekindling old flames.
“There’s a group of people who are interested in connecting with a lost love, or who are wondering about that reconnection,” says Shaw. “I have worked with some people where they have reconnected as a result of reunions and some people who deliberately sought that out.”
While it wasn’t a high school sweetheart, Scarlett did find something else at her 10-year reunion: a job.
“My most memorable experience was a job offer,” she says. “I spoke with the school principal about what I had pursued and achieved since leaving school, and I guess a few Proseccos gave me the confidence to go for it.”
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