Full disclosure: I’m sleeping with my ex. We dated for a short stint two years ago, and after each going on to have a few more relationships and a lot more life experience, we reconnected. My former boyfriend/current lover—who has graciously allowed me to dissect the nature of our friendship in the name of journalism (thanks, mate!)—reached out a few months ago to reestablish a much-missed friendship. Then things got physical, and apparently The Ex and I aren't alone.
“Young adults have friends with benefits increasingly because they’re not interested in any type of commitment,” Laurie Sloane, L.C.S.W., a therapist who works with couples, tells SELF. “But at the same time, people want to be connected to another person in some limited way.”
Bingo. So, we go to dinner. We make out in bars. We drunk text. We spend evenings at the ballet. We Netflix and chill over Jimmy Fallon movies. We share long philosophical conversations about life and marriage and emotional intelligence and success. We split checks. We spend the night.
Given that we've dated before, it may sound like we're heading toward something more serious. In reality, The Ex and I actually being together hasn’t been an option in this iteration of our relationship. With both of us in the midst of massive career and potential location changes, commitment is not a card either of us is willing to play at the moment.
I expected experts to tell me that this type of interaction was probably unhealthy and definitely doomed, to hear a lot of “it will never work,”and “you’re fooling yourselves,” and “someone is going to fall in love.” But, according to them, there can actually be a lot of benefits to having a friend with benefits. Unsurprisingly, one of the major advantages has to do with sex.
“In a scenario where romantic love isn’t brought into the bedroom, there can be the possibility to explore more," Matt Lundquist, L.C.S.W., a New York City-based therapist specializing in all things sex and dating, tells SELF. "And who better to explore with than a friend?”
Ideally, your FWB is someone you’re comfortable with, but since you’re not planning for a white picket fence future, you don't feel the need to be impressive all the time. Who cares if they think your latest sex fantasy is weird? Removing commitment from the equation can add an element of liberation in the bedroom and beyond.
“People can learn a lot from playing house,” Brenda Lewis, L.C.S.W., a therapist specializing in dating and sexuality, tells SELF. “You practice with a safe person, and then you can hopefully put on your training wheels and go out into the real world.”
Luckily in today’s modern era of dating, there's no shortage of potential sex partners. What makes FWB relationships unique is that, unlike random Tinder encounters you may never see heads or tails of again, they can involve a level of real connection with another human.
“There’s nothing about these relationships that fundamentally jumps out at me as, ‘Yikes that could never work,’” says Lundquist. “It could be something really healthy.”
So, yes, you can be friends with benefits. And maybe you actually should be! But there are three caveats to making it as successful as possible:
“The best thing you can take away from friends with benefits is the friendship,” says Lewis. Great point. Most people focus on the benefits part of these relationships and forget that the friendship is meant to be the foundation of the arrangement. I’m not sleeping with my ex because I want hassle-free sex. I’m sleeping with a person whose company I actually enjoy—I want his pillow talk as much as his foreplay.
The success of my situation hinges on the fact that my ex and I are both in transition. I don’t have the time/energy/desire to devote to sifting through a pile of suitors and ultimately starting a new relationship.
Obviously, that won’t always be the case for both of us. And when our circumstances change, it will be time for us to reevaluate together.
“It’s like an emotional seesaw,” says Sloane. “It’s a very temporary state that’s tricky to balance. Somewhere after the first month, you need to check in and talk about how it’s going for both of you.” That brings up the third and most important requirement for this type of relationship...
“In our culture, we tend to view that as kind of unsexy. Yet it’s really critical to slow down and have those kind of conversations,” says Lundquist. “In any relationship, particularly something as intimate and potentially vulnerable as sex, people need to be really transparent about what their expectations are.”
This is where my FWB excels beyond a lot of serious commitments I’ve had: he’s honest, perceptive, and incredibly forthcoming. I’m not afraid to hurt his feelings by stepping on his ego, and he’s not afraid that being honest might step on mine. Since we’re freed from telling each other what we want to hear, we can simply tell each other the truth, and that conversation is ongoing.
What happens if one of us starts to think about getting back together for real? What happens if one of us starts seeing someone else? What does this relationship look like if one of us ends up moving? Embarking on a FWB relationship isn't without risk, so both people have to make an effort to protect themselves and each other.
“You don't need to have a contract, but you should at least have a loose discussion about what it is you’re doing and what you’re committed to going forward,” Rebecca Hendrix, L.M.F.T., a therapist specializing in relationships and dating based in New York City, tells SELF. “Each of you needs to be vigilant about sharing if or when you feel hurt. That could be a sign it's not working, or it could be an opportunity to process, work through it, and continue.”
The fact is, no matter how good the sex or how starkly truthful the conversation, feelings are messy. But the labels on what my ex and I have are irrelevant—we aren't what we aren't, and we are what we are. And at least for this particular moment in our lives, what we are is an honest pair who's managing to make it work, and have a pretty good time while doing it.