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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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How common is it to have the idea of wishing you could change sex cross your mind at some stage

133 replies

opalsandcoffee · 28/06/2024 16:09

I just wonder how many of us female adults, particularly oldies, have had a stage in our lives when we wished we were physically male. (or the other way around)

I can remember distinctly have a stage when I desperately wished for a penis instead of a vagina - I don't know how long it lasted, maybe a few months? I think I was about 12 or 13.

The reasons were firstly, I didn't want periods, and secondly, I was afraid, from what I knew about sex. I understood it that women had to have the passive role and accept what was done to them by men, and I very much wanted to be the person who was going to be in control when I started having relationships. I also wanted to be the stronger sex in general

I just think this may actually be quite a common phase, and not really mean young people are trans.

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PurpleBugz · 28/06/2024 17:58

Yup I had a year or so with short hair desperately wishing I was a boy. It was because I wanted out of how I was treated as a girl. Also jealous of the freedoms male children my age had that I was denied due to being female.

Im also Bi and fancy women more than men. That confused me loads as a kid I never knew Bisexual was a thing I thought there was something wrong with me. Also once I was older and knew my sexuality was fine I still felt I didn't fit in because im autistic and that's a life sentence to feeling alien. It strikes horror into my heart to know if I was a child today I would absolutely be transitioning.

To be honest I still feel I wish I was male sometimes now. I have a disabled child and the father is never expected to care for him because he works. I had to give up working and that's just expected. I got sick once and ex had to have ds a whole week the poor man- the fucking praise he got from all the professionals involved with ds fucked me right off. Massive smack in the face that women are not valued for the things men are praised for.

YahdahYahdayYoo · 28/06/2024 17:58

I read The Famous Five at about 7yo and I was immediately captured by the character George. She had the best of it, adventure without the housework like 'dear Ann'. I was probably late teens before I would wear a skirt/dress. At various times through adult years I'd been struck by the 'if only I was a man' and even remembering a discussion where I'd argued i wanted a penis. All driven by the desire to be granted what I saw as privileges of the make sex and escape the ties and pains of womanhood. So the idea of being the opposite sex was there for me long before the trans trend. It goes some long way to explaining my passion about the topic. I'd have been ripe for plucking in today's world.

PurpleBugz · 28/06/2024 18:02

YahdahYahdayYoo · 28/06/2024 17:58

I read The Famous Five at about 7yo and I was immediately captured by the character George. She had the best of it, adventure without the housework like 'dear Ann'. I was probably late teens before I would wear a skirt/dress. At various times through adult years I'd been struck by the 'if only I was a man' and even remembering a discussion where I'd argued i wanted a penis. All driven by the desire to be granted what I saw as privileges of the make sex and escape the ties and pains of womanhood. So the idea of being the opposite sex was there for me long before the trans trend. It goes some long way to explaining my passion about the topic. I'd have been ripe for plucking in today's world.

Yes George!! Loved her. Related sooo much with her as a kid

NoraLuka · 28/06/2024 18:03

I have never physically wanted to be a man, but last year I learned to ride a motorcycle, and was the only woman there. I did see another woman but she didn’t have her lesson at the same time so it was basically me (41 y o mum of two) and a bunch of guys in their mid 20s. They were so much less nervous than I was - they couldn’t wait to get out on the road and go faster while I was terrified and wanted to stay on the parking lot practicing weaving in and out of cones for another couple of hours! I don’t know if it’s because they were men, or younger, or just our personalities but I did wish I could have a more blokish approach to life at that point, don’t know if that makes sense.

AltitudeCheck · 28/06/2024 18:04

I was certain I didn't want to marry or have children or look after a family or be 'trapped' in the way I felt my mum was.

I hated that there were things I wasn't allowed to do as a girl (that my younger brother was allowed to do) and I wasn't interested in some of the things people expected me to be as a girl (fashion, dancing etc). I was very aware that I wanted the freedoms and opportunities that boys had.

Had it been an option to 'swap' and be seen as a boy, I expect it would have beem very tempting for several years...But it wasn't an option! I had no physical dysphoria, I knew I was a girl and while it felt unfair, it never felt that my sex or my body were 'wrong'

Gettingbysomehow · 28/06/2024 18:07

Not at all, never. I assisted at gender affirmation surgery when I worked in theatre in a private hospital. It is basically butchery and there is no way I would ever do that to my body.
If I wanted to be a man I'd just dress and act like one but nothing else would change. I'd also get really good psychiatric help to help me live with what I've got.

GateauxBlaster · 28/06/2024 18:09

I had short hair and rarely wore skirts, played with my brother's action men etc, I didn't grow up with forced gender stereotypes - dad taught us both DIY and mum in her own way was a feminist and worked full time. We both took ourselves to and from school from infants and only had to be back for tea.

But puberty was early for me, I was wearing a bra and menstruating in primary school and it was beyond shit. If I could have taken a pill and stopped it perhaps I would have. Like a PP in all my daydreams I was a male character.

I read this by Caroline Criado Perez and though ummm

newsletter.carolinecriadoperez.com/p/invisible-women-the-pen-is-in-her

The bit about only having male role models and heroes and rejecting femininity because it was seen as weak hit home .

nbaspie · 28/06/2024 18:23

Well, yes. For reference, while I am female and am typically identified as such, if asked I would call myself non-binary.

I didn't care overly whether or not I was treated any differently- I didn't really notice a difference growing up, as I didn't care for anything overly "tomboyish" and my friends were a mix of boys and girls. Still, I preferred to use androgynous nicknames and never thought of myself as a boy or a girl. Sometimes in my teens people guessed I was a boy, and that was fine. I didn't prefer it one way or the other.

For a short while- a couple of months- I thought I might be a trans man. I had just started new medication and felt more present in my body than ever, but after a month or so of getting used to it, I returned to my more androgynous equilibrium. In all of that time I've had my hair long, short, dyed, shaved and I have (and still do) wear whatever I want to, both stereotypically masculine and stereotypically feminine. I have stereotypically feminine interests, and some stereotypically masculine interests. I don't think of them in those terms, but I appreciate society as a whole has certain preconceptions still.

My chest did give me dysphoria, and I was very conscious of that feeling every day. I did have top surgery to feel more comfortable in myself, which has been immensely helpful, and since then I have found I never think about it at all. It was a huge relief to me. I have no desire to make any further changes, but I'm very happy with that choice. These days, gender is simply not something that crosses my mind outside of the time I spend reading this board. In my teens I thought of it often, but I've settled comfortably into myself now.

Ultimately I don't think this is inherently different than any other woman, and I believe many women may feel exactly as I do and still fully identify with/prefer/feel most comfortable with being a woman. I am female and I don't have a problem with other people recognising that, even if in my own head I'd use different words to describe myself. I don't think the feelings I experience are in any way uncommon, though every woman who feels similarly may act on it in a different way.

(Also, I am autistic. I'm sure that has something to do with the whole thing too.)

Shortfatsuit · 28/06/2024 18:24

Never.

Blimpton · 28/06/2024 18:26

From being a child I wanted to be male, and I still do.

Firstly because I could see all of the privileges that males have. Boys were allowed to go to the park alone and play in the woods but girls weren’t. Scouts were allowed to sleep in tents outdoors but Brownies had to sleep in the hall where it was safe, and they were allowed to climb trees but we weren’t. When I got older, blokes could walk home from the pub safely in the dark but I couldn’t. I saw that men didn’t have to look over their shoulders and avoid isolated places in case they were attacked. I saw men being patted on the back for being studs while women were called sluts.

Secondly I saw the physical advantages of being male. Not just being stronger and faster, but also not having female bodily functions. No periods. No pregnancy. My DH had never suffered the pain and discomfort of a period. He got to have a child with zero damage to his body. His time to produce kids hasn’t run out. And now I’m struggling with menopause while his body is just the same as ever.

Thirdly the career advantages. Better job opportunities. No discrimination in hiring because you might get pregnant. No time lost by being on maternity leave after having a baby. No discrimination when you return to the workplace after time off. No assumptions that you’ll need days off to look after sick kids, no losing promotions because they think you aren’t committed. If my DH asks for a day off his boss says “why can’t your wife do it?” Because that’s the expectation. When you’re a man you’re not expected to step up - someone else will handle the shit for you.

So yes, I want to be male. It’s much better than being female. I also understand that I don’t have that option and my body is intrinsically female whether I like it or not. I’m grateful that my kids are boys so they won’t have to deal with this shit.

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 28/06/2024 18:26

YahdahYahdayYoo · 28/06/2024 17:58

I read The Famous Five at about 7yo and I was immediately captured by the character George. She had the best of it, adventure without the housework like 'dear Ann'. I was probably late teens before I would wear a skirt/dress. At various times through adult years I'd been struck by the 'if only I was a man' and even remembering a discussion where I'd argued i wanted a penis. All driven by the desire to be granted what I saw as privileges of the make sex and escape the ties and pains of womanhood. So the idea of being the opposite sex was there for me long before the trans trend. It goes some long way to explaining my passion about the topic. I'd have been ripe for plucking in today's world.

One of my favourite books(at least part one) follows three kids from toddlerhood , through teen years and young adults.

I loved so much one of the girl characters. Strong, opinionated, brave , tom boyish, confident etc. Not only was she awesome , but she was accepted and celebrated of who she was. The fucking bitter disappointment of book two where she doesn't do much except fall in love with an older (damaged ) guy. The fucking heartbreak when they killed her off at only 22 of breast cancer. I loved that character so much (and identified with her) and she was everything I wanted to be.

On top of everything else, for years I believed girls like me do not get their happy ending(not romantically).

Blimpton · 28/06/2024 18:29

If I wanted to be a man I'd just dress and act like one but nothing else would change
Absolutely. If I could just decide to be male and that would make this fucking awful menopause stop in its tracks and go away, I’d do it tomorrow. But it won’t.

IwantToRetire · 28/06/2024 18:42

Never occoured to me.

But I was envious of how much better boys were treated, what they were allowed to do, what expectations they were given.

As I think most of the girls I was at school with.

And certainly didn't like the type of clothes I was expected to wear. But was allowed to be a "tom boy".

I never occured to me that having a penis was what I really wanted.

Although I didn't think like that then, as I was a resentful and sulky child who felt life wasn't fair, what I wanted was equal rights!

SquirrelSoShiny · 28/06/2024 18:49

I definitely had a stage around 12 or 13 where I felt very unsettled and hated all the misogynistic crap I was starting to experience. By 14 I was much more at peace with things. I'm ND and bisexual and these seem to be common overlaps with gender dysphoria. Like most people I grew out of it, I'm just still not terribly 'girlie'.

usernother · 28/06/2024 18:50

It's never ever crossed my mind. I love being a woman and always have.

SandyY2K · 28/06/2024 18:51

It's never crossed my mind.

I've always been happy as I was born as I am.

JammyJellyfish · 28/06/2024 18:55

Never, despite having very gender typical parents who believed in boys things and girls things. My mum dressed me in pink, my bedroom was pink, and thought I would grow up to be a nursery nurse. My Dad liked me when I was a sweet little thing he could pat on the head and kept my mouth shut.

But I generally ignored all that, did my thing, went to uni (a waste of time according to my brother who believed I would only be a housewife) and now still 100% female in a male dominated work environment and doing unladylike sports 😂

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 28/06/2024 18:58

Never. I was a tomboy when I was younger but didn't want to be a boy. The only reason I'd like a penis is so that it's easier to pee in public!

Porageeater · 28/06/2024 19:00

Can’t say I’ve ever wished for it, no.

midgetastic · 28/06/2024 19:03

Is anyone keeping tabs ?

Chickenuggetsticks · 28/06/2024 19:05

As a teen, it just seemed easier for boys I think. My school was awful for bullying girls that didn’t fit the beauty standard.

Blimpton · 28/06/2024 19:07

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 28/06/2024 18:58

Never. I was a tomboy when I was younger but didn't want to be a boy. The only reason I'd like a penis is so that it's easier to pee in public!

Oh I would love to have a penis! No more thrush or UTIs. No mess after sex, nothing dripping out. And honestly male orgasms are easier to achieve and probably better, given how sex obsessed they seem to be.

lipglossandmascara · 28/06/2024 19:10

Never crossed my mind. I Ioved being a girl and I love being a woman.

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KohlaParasaurus · 28/06/2024 19:23

No. There were times when I fantasised about getting lots of admiration for being faster, stronger and more powerful than all the boys, but I never wanted maleness for myself.

QuickFetchTheCoffee · 28/06/2024 20:29

Sort of. I also loved George from the Famous Five.
I hated skirts and frills, had total disdain for My Little Pony and Barbie (the usual girls' toys of my time) but loved Lego and matchbox cars which I basically stole off my older brothers. I played computer games when they were "for boys", I enjoyed climbing and making mud pies and handling insects in the garden. I hung around with boys at school (but I'm not sure they ever saw me as a friend).
It was a lonely life, not fitting in anywhere.
I never really wished I was a boy, I just wished I was more accepted as a girl. As myself, even.
Diagnosed autistic if that has any bearing.

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