Who Really Holds the Power to End Workplace Bullying? A surprising answer.

By Bonnie Low-Kramen

With permission, this article includes excerpts from Grow Your Spine & Manage Abrasive Leadership Behavior, A Guide for Those Who Manage Bosses Who Bully by Laura Crawshaw, Ph.D., BCC and Staff Matters, People-Focused Solutions for the Ultimate New Workplace by Bonnie Low-Kramen.

Who really holds the power to end workplace bullying? The staff says they do. Can they do it without getting fired? The short answer is yes, most of the time. The complicated and longer answer is below. Read on.

Dr. Laura Crawshaw and I led an online webinar called “Working in the Age of the Unruly.” The event was created to pull the curtain back on workplace bullying and honestly address how to handle abrasive leaders in all its messiness and complexity. Dr. Crawshaw’s newest book is called Grow Your Spine & Manage Abrasive Leadership Behavior, A Guide for Those Who Manage Bosses Who Bully. It is about giving leaders the tools they need to effectively address the abrasive leaders on their teams.

Truth Bomb

During the Q&A, Dr. Crawshaw asked our audience this pointed question: Who really has power to stop workplace bullies?” The responses from the attendees came fast. They wrote, “Me!” “I do.” None of them wrote, “The CEO” or “HR.”

This response confirmed what I hear directly from Executive Assistants worldwide. The staff views their leaders as oblivious, unwilling, or impotent to address the toxic behaviors plaguing companies and chasing them away – a dismal lose/lose situation. As a result, the staff are actively seeking answers about what they can do and say to address the problem.

They desperately want to stop the suffering and break the cycle of bullying once and for all. They want to break it not only to benefit themselves, but for their colleagues and frankly, their children. The data shows that the witnesses to bullying bear almost as much of the pain as the target themself. Most staff can relate to Survivor’s Guilt. They are saying, Enough.

What exactly is workplace bullying? Workplace bullying is a problem that impacts 30% of the world's employees. Here are examples of the abrasive behaviors that demean, demoralize, and demotivate.

·         Poor emotional control

·         Verbally abusive/swearing

·         Discriminatory sexual/racial/ethnic comments or behavior

·         Shouting

·         Public humiliation

·         Overreaction

·         Physical intimidation (glaring/snorting, etc.)

·         Sarcasm/hostile humor

·         Ignoring/excluding

·         Favoritism

·         Overcontrolling/micromanaging

·         Storming out of meetings

·         Breaching confidentiality/gossiping

·         Chronic impatience

·         Violating policies/rules

·         Vindictive

·         Hitting/throwing objects

·         Making threats

·         Physical assault

These behaviors cause people to suffer on a daily basis and often result in poor performance, low morale, and ultimately quitting. Staff have reported serious mental health issues including suicidal thoughts. Targets of bullying are traumatized with the detailed and vivid memories of the events, even if the bullying happened decades ago. When asked how long the pain lasts, the overwhelming majority say matter of factly, “Forever.”

Bullying poisons companies and people from the inside out costing millions of dollars in lost productivity and replacement of employees. In order to break this toxic cycle and to stop the suffering, action needs to be taken.

True story: An Executive Assistant was publicly humiliated at a staff meeting. Her executive came up behind her and took her head in his hands as he moved it from side to side while saying, “Did you not bring your brain to work today?”

Some staff will justify the abrasive behaviors with, “Well, everyone behaves like that on a bad day.” Do they? Yes, everyone has a “bad day,” but at the same time, there are some behaviors that are inexcusable and unjustifiable. The important distinctions for workplace bullying are the frequency and the severity of the interactions.

Many staff are reluctant to discuss the problem out of fear of backlash and retaliation. They prefer to find an exit strategy and resign rather than take on the abrasive leaders.

Risky Business: The words to say to an abrasive leader/co-worker without getting fired

It may be risky to take on an abrasive person, but everyone has their breaking point. Sometimes you must act to maintain your integrity and self-respect. Be prepared and practice. The keys to addressing workplace bullying are;

1.     Choose your timing.

2.     Get the person alone. It is respectful to ask, “Do you have 10 minutes? I have something important on my mind.”

3.     Stay calm, clear, direct, and to the point. Do not lose your cool or cry.

4.     Specificity and details matter. “When you said XYZ in the meeting yesterday, it made me feel like you don’t trust me and that I am not good at my job. Is that true?”

5.     Know that your leverage is that your managers do not want to lose you, especially if you are viewed as trying to solve a problem rather than a trouble-maker.

The words to say…and then stop talking and listen

1.     “You may not realize this, but I need you to know that when you said XYZ on the Zoom call today, I found that offensive and I believe others did as well.”

2.     “No one talks to me like that and you won’t do it again.”

3.     “I can’t imagine you would ever want your child/partner/spouse/friend  spoken to like that?”

4.     “You are chasing good people away by yelling at them. You need to stop.”

5.     “I want our working relationship to be productive. We need to find a better way to talk with each other.

Real-life staff have spoken the words above and they did not get fired. In fact, in several cases, they were promoted and rewarded for addressing an important problem. And yes, in some cases, they were fired. When that has happened, most see it as a good thing because they went onto a much healthier work environment. Even so, the traumatic memories still travel with them.

How can leaders grow a backbone and take on an abrasive manager?

There is a current trend that shows that fewer GenXers are less eager to be promoted into management. Why? It’s increasingly more difficult being the one in charge. When it comes to managing abrasive behaviors, most leaders have received little to no training for how to do it. They are typically afraid of one of the following.

1. The fear of being harmed by the abrasive leader

(“He’ll quit, and we can’t risk losing his expertise.” Or

“What if he sues us for wrongful termination?” etc.)

2. The fear of doing harm to the abrasive leader (“I

don’t want to hurt her—she’s been loyal to me and

works harder than anyone else.”)

The fears bump up against this management truth - Leaders have a responsibility to be guardians of their staff and provide a psychologically and physically safe environment in which to work. These are the legs to stand on.

The Steps to Managing Conduct

1. Establish conduct expectations

2. Monitor and document conduct

3. If conduct is acceptable, recognize and reward

4. If conduct is unacceptable, intervene:

• Present the negative perceptions of conduct

• State limits and consequences for continued

unacceptable conduct

• Develop a conduct improvement plan that

includes the offer of corrective help

• Follow up

If managers want to be viewed as effective leaders and they want their staff to feel loyal, they will need to manage the conduct of the entire team. It will mean being willing to take a stand about workplace bullying and holding abrasive staff accountable for their behaviors that are jeopardizing the people in the company.

Training and support are urgently needed for the leaders of our workplace. Dr. Crawshaw’s virtual masterclass is called “Manage Abrasive Behavior With Backbone” and her books are meant to accomplish exactly that.

The staff of the world are demanding action – and it is clear they are going to get it, one way or another.

About the Writer Bonnie Low-Kramen

TEDX speaker and trainer Bonnie Low-Kramen worked as the Personal Assistant to Oscar-winning actress Olympia Dukakis for 25 years. Since 2010, Bonnie has been traveling the world teaching and speaking – in 13 countries and 38 states to date.

She is now a CEO herself, employs an assistant, and is globally recognized as one of the most respected leaders in the administrative profession and an expert on workplace issues. Bonnie is sought after to speak about building ultimate partnerships between executives and assistants.

In 2022, Bonnie made her TEDx debut with “The Real Reasons People Quit.” Her writing has appeared in Harvard Business Review and her work was featured as the Forbes cover story in May 2019. Corporate clients include the Wharton School of Business, Starbucks, Amazon, Rutgers University Business School, University of Chicago Business School, Campbell Soup, and British Parliament. Bonnie holds a BA from Rutgers University in New Jersey.

She is a co-founder of NYCA – New York Celebrity Assistants – a professional networking organization which began in 1996. Bonnie’s highly interactive, informative, and inspiring work seeks to bridge the gaps between all staff towards building an ultimate workplace – or as close as they can get.

Bonnie is the author of the bestselling Be the Ultimate Assistant, A celebrity assistant’s secrets to working with any high-powered employer and Staff Matters, People-Focused Solutions to Building the Ultimate New Workplace.