✘✘ Sarah ✘✘ (former Nefarious Breeder of Murderous Crustaceans)'s Reviews > The Necromancer

💀 Let's Bring the Dead Back from the Dead Again Buddy Reread (LBtDBftDABR™) with the MacHalo Necromaniacs 💀

➽ And the moral of this reread is: I'm pretty sure that my girlfriend Kate Daniels (aka the world-famous, multiple-time winner of the Best Misfiring Smile of the Year Award) would absolutely 💕 lurve 💕 the myriad Lip Curving Gymnastics (LCG™)—and accompanying side effects—displayed in this book. We've got smiles that make spiders run for cover! Smiles with all the warmth of dollhouse ovens! Smiles as offensive weapons! Smiles that make churns of milk go sour! Smiles that fall from people's faces like greased pigs off church roofs! And last, but certainly not least, smiles that creep across one's face like melanomas in time-lapse! This book! It's ALL blissfully hopeless happy, wonderfully evil benevolent, delightfully unscrupulous innocent, beautifully disturbing comforting smiles, ALL the time!



Just like that, yes.

➽ And the other moral of this reread is: "FABULOSO!!!" 4 EVER.

👋 To be continued and stuff.



[September 2018]

💀 Woohoo Time to Bring Back the Dead Buddy Read (WTtBBtDBR™) with the MacHalo Necromaniacs 💀

The thing you are about to read is as crappy as the book it hopelessly tries to non-review is fantastic. Consider your little selves warned and stuff.

There’s a slight chance this book might or might not be the mostest funniest one I have read in the entirety of this entire year. Maybe. Perhaps. Also, I’m fairly (almost) certain I haven’t come across such a joyously delightful mix of Fantasy, dark comedy, delicious British humor, and Weird & Wacky Stuff™ at any time in the last nine months, so there’s a good possibility this book might actually be one of my top ten favorite reads of 1956 2018. Mayhap.

The Necromancer is a heart-warming little tale that tells the story of one Johannes Cabal (this in case you are even more clueless than the average Clueless Barnacle—quite a feat, that—and sort of missed the name of this series), an absolutely charming, compassionate guy who happens to be a, um, you know, necromancer and stuff. At the beginning of the story, our chum Johannes finds himself in a bit of a predicament. He channeled his inner Faust and sold his soul to the Devil a while back, you see, and now he wants it back (he kinda sorta needs it for his research and stuff). So what does Johannes do? Why he decides to go and have a little chat with his good old mate Satan of course.



You are so hot, Your Mephistopheleciousness! I think I’m in 💕lurve💕

So Cabal goes on a little field trip to bureaucracy hell the nether world, talks to the Evil Prince of Evilness, gets ripped off makes a deal, and goes his merry way embarks upon a nefarious mission to bring Hell’s head honcho one hundred souls in a year. No biggie and stuff. I mean, how hard can it be to get one hundred puny humans to fill in and sign Voluntary Damnation Form #EAGH/1? Especially when you’ve been lent a Dark Carnival Type Thingie (DCTT™) to help you in your villainous endeavor (by His Satanic Luciferiness, no less!). And have the help of both your vampire brother and a most colorful crew of slightly demonic/undead/freaky types. Piece of cake, methinks.

“What happens next,” you ask? Well The Cabal Brothers Carnival of Wonders takes to the road and spoiler spoiler spoiler ensues. So does much hilarity. Well hilarity ensues for those equipped with Flawless Sense of the Absurdly Comical and Comically Absurd (FSotACaCA™), anyway. A quality our friend Johannes seems to have been born without, I’m afraid. He totally fails to appreciate how inanely ludicrous his current predicament is, and is as utterly unflappable as an anemic gastropod at a Barnacles & Chitons circus show. I mean, Cabal’s brother himself thinks the guy is “as much fun as a leper at an orgy,” which is saying something. But hey, it’s not all bad! He has tons of redeeming qualities and stuff: he can be magnificently obtuse, has a black, withered heart (just like me! Yay!), and is sarcastic as shrimp. Also, he has fished-up morals, a thing for shooting people in the back, and isn’t entirely loathe to smashing people’s brains out with a croquet mallet *swoons* Also also, his smile makes milk churn and doubles as an offensive weapon. Now that’s what I call High Security Harem Potential!



Now. I’d love to tell you more about the story, but spoiler spoiler spoiler (as I may or may not have mentioned before), so I won’t. You are quite welcome, de nada, my pleasure and stuff. Anyway, what I can indeed tell you is that (beware, for it’s quick maths time):

Howard’s witty, unique writing style + intriguing, original plot + yummy characterization + High Quality Snorting (HQS™) + offensive, recalcitrant fortune-telling machines + Ragtag Slyboots, Despoiler of Milk and Entangler of Shoelaces + surprisingly resilient babies + a chanting army of lunatics + Infernal Regions (Local Authority) Hades Provisional Admission Application (form #AAAA/342) + very perlite stuff + criminally insane fairies + GOST TRANES and TUNELS OF FEER and Rabits of TEROR, oh my! + Sartre’s old buddy Arthur Trubshaw + ancient expletives involving sexual congress between extinct tribes and extinct species (don’t ask) + prison escapees + mesmerised (if a little unhygienic) women littering up the carnival grounds + most hilariously amazing kid POV ever + friendly vicars and law-abiding postmen *shudders* + super extra cool footnotes + pathetic schemes that do as much damage as a convent full of possessed nuns + priceless police bulletins + ‘Rock, scissors, paper, dynamite, punch Dennis in the face’ + being belaboured with fourteenth-century battle axes + ‘I Lie Diplomatically About Your Weight’ machines = let’s dance and stuff, fellow necromaniacs!



➽ And the moral of this Johannes Cabal You Are One Slightly Heartless and Somewhat Cold Son of a Shrimp But I Still Lurves You and Stuff Crappy Non Review (JCYAOSHaSCSoaSBISLYaSCNR ™) is: FABULOSO!!! *waves at Elena and Timothy*

· Book 0.5: Johannes Cabal and the Blustery Day ★★★★★
· Book 0.75: Exeunt Demon King ★★★★
· Book 2: The Detective ★★★★★
· Book 2.5: The Ereshkigal Working ★★★★★
· Book 3: The Fear Institute ★★★★★
· Book 3.1: The House of Gears ★★★★
· Book 3.2: The Death of Me ★★★
· Book 3.3: Ouroboros Ouzo ★★★★
· Book 4: The Brothers Cabal ★★★★
· Book 4.5: A Long Spoon ★★★★★
· Book 5: The Fall of the House of Cabal ★★★★★



[Pre-review nonsense]

As Johannes Cabal's good old pal Satan would say: dark stuff + weird stuff + HAHAHAHA stuff =



➽ Full review to come.