Asking for a friend: My husband of almost 20 years has just come out as gay. We have teenage children and I’m heartbroken. What will people say?

'Pointing a finger of blame is going to feel very tempting, but compassion is more healing than staying angry forever.' Photo posed

Caroline West

My husband just came out as gay, and my world has crashed around me. I had no idea, and we have been happily married as man and wife for almost 20 years. He has promised me he hasn’t cheated but said that he just can’t live a lie anymore. We have teenage children who are also confused and have been going through a cycle of emotions. I love him and thought we would be married forever. I feel so embarrassed and worry about what people will say. His parents have passed away but mine are here and they’re trying to be supportive but are just in shock too. He doesn’t know what he wants to do next and neither do I; we are all still processing this news. The kids don’t know what to say and it’s been a mix of emotions. I feel so upset and heartbroken, and I just can’t believe that this is my life. I never suspected a thing and I do believe him when he said he hasn’t cheated, and I see that this has been tough for him, but I just don’t know what to think.

Dr West replies: This must have been an extraordinarily difficult decision for your spouse. This secret probably weighed around his neck like an anchor for decades, and he must have struggled with it, tried to bury it, tried to pretend it wasn’t true, or resigned himself to not addressing it. It took him courage to feel like the time had come for him to be authentic.