Liaisons to House Representative Nancy Pelosi reportedly were briefing the President on his previous decision to drop out of the race, using visual guides and a screening of Adam Sandler’s 50 First Dates to underscore their message.

Cheery “hellos!” and “good mornings!” were present throughout campus as students settled into their 8:30 AM lectures, with all present reflecting upon the fact that out of all possible worlds, the one we currently inhabit is the most promising one there could ever be.

“I’m divesting you from the lake house, Rachel” said one Bubbe.

Say it to me now: Faresi is not American, he can't vote, let's not harass him about voting

Proud of you, girlie.

“He was very accustomed to craft services,” says one source, “He really was disappointed at the lack of craft services. You’d think for an Ivy League school we’d have craft services – at least for the students who really matter.”

They paved paradise and put up a parking lot. That is, a parking lot to a Wawa. Which in some cases could be considered an even better paradise. 

He now goes by Shaikh J.(Jamal) Al-Latif Jaabir

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania.

“I’m really here to bring the Penn community together over something that you all agree on,” O’side says as she spills some of her $5 vodka cran on her blue and white dress. “It’s pretty simple. First there will be a Jewish comedy night, and then there will be a Tel Aviv Night.” 

By seeing Biopond now, students can at least pretend to remember what it looks like when they get MERTed there later.

Was it cool, sure? Was it worth feeling like I was living in Netflix’s Don’t Look Up, not really?

A twist, a sniff, and a flush of red.

“I haven’t called someone out by their initials on Sidechat in almost three days! I think I’m going through withdrawal.”

Thank god.

In a time of growing campus unity, someone needed to remind the student body that love is the only answer. Obviously, that someone was me. 

Tears ran down my cheeks, yet my mind mustered no thought other than the fact that her breath smelled distinctly of freshly consumed Law-School-provided white claws.

WUCC announces "the next step in streamlining open communication between stakeholders and creating an optimal environment for connection in the romantic stratosphere."

She’s totally in love. He briefly stopped snapping other girls out of respect. Who said true love can’t thrive at Penn?!?