Liaisons to House Representative Nancy Pelosi reportedly were briefing the President on his previous decision to drop out of the race, using visual guides and a screening of Adam Sandler’s 50 First Dates to underscore their message.

Cheery “hellos!” and “good mornings!” were present throughout campus as students settled into their 8:30 AM lectures, with all present reflecting upon the fact that out of all possible worlds, the one we currently inhabit is the most promising one there could ever be.

“I’m divesting you from the lake house, Rachel” said one Bubbe.

“He was very accustomed to craft services,” says one source, “He really was disappointed at the lack of craft services. You’d think for an Ivy League school we’d have craft services – at least for the students who really matter.”

They paved paradise and put up a parking lot. That is, a parking lot to a Wawa. Which in some cases could be considered an even better paradise. 

He now goes by Shaikh J.(Jamal) Al-Latif Jaabir

“I’m really here to bring the Penn community together over something that you all agree on,” O’side says as she spills some of her $5 vodka cran on her blue and white dress. “It’s pretty simple. First there will be a Jewish comedy night, and then there will be a Tel Aviv Night.” 

A twist, a sniff, and a flush of red.

Tears ran down my cheeks, yet my mind mustered no thought other than the fact that her breath smelled distinctly of freshly consumed Law-School-provided white claws.

WUCC announces "the next step in streamlining open communication between stakeholders and creating an optimal environment for connection in the romantic stratosphere."

She’s totally in love. He briefly stopped snapping other girls out of respect. Who said true love can’t thrive at Penn?!?

Have fun, Quakers!

It’s sure to come in first place at this year’s national cum fossil convention.

Have you ever wondered why the security guards at Van Pelt check your backpacks and don’t seem concerned with much else? 

An anonymous source has leaked that the one quiet kid who’s actually really fucking sneaky was the winner.

I’ve been thinking about how to make Big-Little Week more about me, and I finally realized my very close personal connection to the various sisterhoods across campus.

 I could see the parents think to themselves, “Wow, they sure didn’t look that unhappy at Harvard!”

Free yourself. 

Is Charlotte the Virgin Mary of aquariums, or just a freaky lil gal...

I don’t know about you guys, but my money's on Fred the alcoholic. I heard that guy can pound ‘em back like there’s no tomorrow!