Welcome to María Pero No Santa, a column where I, María Saldana, will answer your messy life questions. Cuéntame amores, what’s on your mind? What’s in your heart? I may just have a messier answer for you.
Submit your queer sex, dating, and identity questions to María Pero No Santa here.
María, top of the morning!
I moved to New York City at the beginning of the year. I didn't know very many people but thought I'd be able to meet some after I got here and particularly was hoping I'd find a sort of queer family or at least be on the way and getting to know some people better.
It's been 10 months now and I don't feel like I've met anyone other than my co-workers (who are not queer as far as we've discussed and who don't seem like they'll be close friends regardless). I've tried to go to in-person queer events — bars, Pride, queer dance nights — but no dice. I think that I'm queer-passing and thought that would help generally.
I know that dating can sometimes lead to friendship but that seems like a bad motivation and I don't really want to right now. Besides, isn't not having many friends a red flag for other people when you're dating? I also feel like making friends is something you don't want to try too hard on or you seem desperate and it's weird. Feel lonely, like a walking NYC meme, and that I'm approaching this wrong — please help!
Love,
Lonely in NYC
Hola Lonely,
As someone who’s recently moved back to South Florida after graduating university, I find myself in a similar place. I thought that I would have my queer community as I once did growing up, pero so many things have changed since I left my home.
It can be incredibly overwhelming to navigate a new city or new chapter in your life. We hear how having a support system can make those life transitions smoother, but rarely do we hear about the journey of establishing that network of loved ones. We are social creatures and it is normal to crave connection and friendships. It’s not desperate and weird at all. We all have needs and we’re all deserving of having them met, whether that be by ourselves or by others.
It sounds like you’ve been putting yourself out there and I hope you feel proud of yourself for taking that step. It can be intimidating to enter new spaces, but it's crucial for meeting others and seeing who we vibe with. I’d suggest using these experiences to learn more about yourself.
Maybe you notice that you prefer to meet people at a bar rather than a club because you’re able to have more intimate conversations. Or maybe you realize that going out to dance solo helps shake off some of the day’s stress, so you feel more open to connecting with people.
Ironically, the key is redirecting the energy you are pouring outward and turning it back to you. In my experience, the more I put effort into enjoying myself, the more ease I feel when approaching people. You are an important part of the friendships you will make, so shifting to doing things you enjoy, like taking a pottery class or going to museums, will help you meet some of the social needs you have and increase the chance that you meet someone who shares similar interests as you.
I have this fantasy of meeting someone at a writing workshop and then we become besties and have writing dates. The only way I can get close to this becoming a reality is if I actually sign up for a writing workshop.
You also mentioned dating as a way to make friends. While you’re clear that you’re not looking to date, it may be fun to think of dating for friends. I recently went to a queer femme event that hosted “speed friending” and guess what? I made friends! There’s no telling who will be here for a season or who will be here for the long run, but getting to meet and connect with other queer femmes felt special. Dating apps have also recently added a “just friends” feature that I hear has been useful.
There’s also something you shared, Lonely, that has stayed with me, and that’s the idea of a queer family. I read this as a desire for a unit deeper than community — though this understanding may vary for others.
But I’m curious where this pressure you have to find your people is coming from. I find that we often place expectations, timelines, and goals on ourselves when we enter a new place in our lives. We do it to ourselves. It’s not to say that you aren’t valid in wanting friendship— as your pseudonym makes clear, you’re lonely. But putting pressure on yourself to find deep connections quickly might also get in the way of you enjoying the process along the way. Realistically, finding chosen family will take time. But it will happen.
One of the most difficult things to hold when you are longing for something is patience. I struggle with it all the time. But I’ve discovered that when I can honor that I feel lonely, that I desire connection, and that I am whole on my own, I’m able to step into the world more open for others to find me. Honor where you’re at and what feelings arise for you. Buy yourself some flowers or a treat. Go on a walk and listen to your favorite song. Cry in the shower if you need to. And after all of that, put yourself out there again. Because there are so many people out there who you haven’t met yet, and so many people who haven’t had the privilege of meeting you.
Abrazos,
María Pero No Santa
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