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For queer people, pleasure has always been political. While existing in this draining, homophobic world, just taking the time to check in with your body and figure out what it likes can be a radical act of self-care. Activist and writer adrienne maree brown proposes this idea in her 2019 book, Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good, writing, "Let ... [pleasure] shape a future where feeling good is the normal, primary experience of all beings.”
In this way, masturbation is not only a form of resistance, it’s also a great way to explore your queer identity, expand your conceptions of your gender, and figure out what you like in the bedroom with partners. Solo sex can be grounding, something that we do to feel confident and safe in our bodies, but it can also be a form of exploration, a way to broaden your conception of self.
While the saying that “hands are your best tool” also rings true with masturbation, sex toys can take your solo sessions to the next level. But if you’re unfamiliar with the different kinds of toys and accessories on the market, choosing one can be a tad overwhelming. Just look at the website for long-running erotic emporium Babeland, where there are 715 results for vibrators alone. Across the board, there’s really something for everyone: all sorts of dildos for insertion, butt plugs, clitoral vibrators, g-spot vibrators, and so much more. They often come — no pun intended — in lots of cool colors and shapes. While motor toys can give you extra power that you crave, other non-electronic accessories can feel like a natural extension of your body.
Making the right choice is important, since different features and shapes can result in completely different kinds of experiences. So, to start, take note of what kind of orgasm you’d like to have and which models might work best for your anatomy. Some people with vaginas might prefer having a cervical orgasm, which means purchasing a toy you can insert, while others would prefer to come clitorally, so you might want a toy that vibrates or sucks. Some people with penises might also enjoy vibration, while others might prefer a stroking tool. Then there are people who want to come anally, with a butt plug or a prostate massager. Once you figure out your preference, you can really select the perfect toy for the exact kind of organism journey you’d like to embark on.
To demystify the wonderful world of sex toys, we’ve asked people throughout the sex industry about their favorite ways to pleasure themselves. Below, we asked some of our favorite queer sex workers, sex shop owners, vibrator critics, and sex educators to share their secrets to achieving the big O.
Based in New York, Kingfatfemmie is a genderqueer Black Fat Southern femme who’s also a panromantic demisexual advocate for Black joy and fat liberation. Her favorite toy is a tongue-shaped clit stimulator, which works by sending pulsating vibration to your body when you press it up against your clit. Her reason for selecting this particular tool? “God knows I can’t cum from penetration alone.”
For Nenna Joiner, the owner of Oakland’s Feelmore sex shop, it’s all about the rose vibrator that started going viral on TikTok and Instagram at the beginning of the year. This toy uses suction to stimulate your clit, and it’s also great for nipple play. “I'm really mesmerized by the suction Rose vibrator thingy from social media,” they tell them. “I had to see what the hype was about. No cap at all!”
Who knows more about sex toys than someone who has reviewed hundreds of them? Cy Smash is a sex toy critic who has reviewed over 275 toys on her blog, Super Smash Cache. For this seasoned sexpert, it’s all about the Fun Factory Volta: “I can sum up my Fun Factory Volta review in one sound: AAAAAAAAAAAAA,” says Smash. “It's rumbly AF and versatile — you can use the tips for fluttering against a clitoris or penis frenulum, the sides for more traditional pinpoint vibration, and the body of the toy for broad stimulation that rattles the whole vulva.”
Yana Tallon Hicks favors an old classic, the Hitachi Magic Wand, which is like the Cadillac of vibrators but rechargeable, for this modern age. “Like most modern sex educators, I've got giant boxes of sex toys in my home. The only one that has permanent residency at my bedside is the Rechargeable Magic Wand,” says the relationship therapist, sex advice columnist, and sex educator who lives in Western Massachussetts. “The deep, rumbly vibration cuts to the chase, and the large, flat surface of the toy's end disperses stimulation for all-over pleasure that isn't overwhelming. Plus it's easy to clean, has a long handle for helpful reach, and holds a charge seemingly forever.”
New York-based professional dominatrix Victoria Silver gets off on her partner’s pain and discomfort, and her favorite toy is a butt plug that is perfect for making you or your partner wince. “I really enjoy using the Zero Tolerance Shape Shifter, which is a remote controlled vibrating and expanding anal plug,” she shares. “It’s great to use with partners or on your own if you enjoy anal stimulation!”
The toy that Chicago-based feminist sexual health educator Claire Hiyama reaches for is the Bender vibrator from Unbound. She writes that it’s very adaptable, “it’s good for internal and external stimulation,” and, “as the name implies, bendable to get it into a position that feels good.” With a relatively small size and an accompanying silver pouch, she adds that the toy is “a sleek little travel companion.”
A great orgasm involves opening your heart and releasing your emotions, according to Suzannah Weiss, a feminist writer, certified sex educator, and sex/love coach. Her go-to is a rose gold dildo from Chakrubs that claims to open your heart. “While the evidence behind this claim is obviously dubious,” she says, “what I will say is I had a huge emotional release the first time I used it. I've also used this toy to teach myself how to squirt on command. Something about the shape, size, and material has allowed me to unleash a well (no pun intended) of pleasure I hadn't previously accessed.”
Chase Ross is a trans YouTuber who reviews products for the trans masculine community. He has over 1000 prosthetics and toys. His all time favorite? The FTM Stroker from Banana Prosthetics. “This masturbation sleeve has amazing suction and sensation,” he says. “As a transmasculine person, it’s hard to find a sleeve that I can truly identify and connect with, however, the FTM Stroker feels like an extension of my own body and makes masturbation so amazing!”
“The RockHer is a phenomenal toy for people with a vulva,” says Aly Oseth, a D.C.-based sex educator who specializes in sexual pleasure, as well as sex toy and lube manufacturing practices. “It is marked as a scissoring toy but it's so much more than that. It's the only hands-free vibe I've met that is actually hands-free. It's amazing for oral sex, wearing with a strap, or lazy masturbation.”
For Emma Gonzalez, a Chicago-based educator and abolitionist, it’s all about glass dildos. “They're very ethereal and have been great for exploring my body with temperature play and amazing pressure. Not to mention easy to keep clean and pyrex-like strength.” As of late, they’re especially into the The Graduate glass dildo, which comes in a gorgeous, warm pink.
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