Facesitting can certainly be one of the more vulnerable sex acts, especially if you haven’t tried it before or are exploring with a new partner. But the intimacy of this sex act is exactly why facesitting is so intense (and hot) for so many people.
Facesitting — which at the end of the day is just a type of oral sex — can be done by folks of all genders, bodies, and sizes, says sex educator Mariah Caudillo.
“It’s a fun and exciting way to experience oral sex in a way that really celebrates pleasure and allows for a variety of techniques like cunnilingus, analingus or rimming, breath play, using toys, power play and other erotic games,” Caudillo tells Them. “The receiver might also enjoy face sitting because they are in full control and the giver gets to take pleasure in knowing their partner is enjoying the ride. Not to mention, the incredible view the giver gets while being sat on.”
Luckily, with a little guidance and practice, anyone can learn to feel confident exploring this sex act — both as the sitter and sittee. Below, queer sex experts break down everything you need to know about facesitting, including techniques, positions, and tips for beginners.
What is facesitting?
Though facesitting goes by many names — including riding face, sitting face, and more gendered terms like queening or kinging — it’s really just an oral sex position.
“Facesitting is what happens when one partner straddles the other partner’s face, often for oral-genital or oral-anal stimulation,” sex therapist Keanu Jackson says. “It can also be used for folks who enjoy sniffing, or for the pleasure derived from the increased pressure.”
People enjoy facesitting for any number of reasons. Perhaps most intuitively, it’s a playful way to enjoy oral sex or experience genital stimulation. “In thinking about cis men in particular, receiving oral to anal stimulation while having the perineum, the area between the scrotum and anus, massaged can be incredibly relaxing,” Jackson says.
Additionally, Jackson says facesitting is an opportunity to play with, and subvert, ideas around dominance and submission. For some receivers, sitting face is a way to tease or dominate their partner, feel powerful and confident, and exert pleasurable control over sex. For the givers, it can be erotic to feel constrained by their partner’s legs or genitals, submissive to their desires, or to offer themselves up as a service bottom or top.
But how people relate to giving or receiving depends on the people involved. Some people may see facesitting as an ultimate sign of vulnerability and surrender, rather than dominance, for example, and not everyone feels turned on by the idea of power exchange — which is why it’s important to set expectations before having a seat. To start, talk with your partner about how you define facesitting and engage with the act, what your desired role looks like, and any boundaries you may have.
How to sit on face
Though facesitting is only limited by your imagination (and stamina), it’s important to keep a few things in mind. First and foremost — and despite the name — you should not literally sit on someone’s face. Not only does the giver need to be able to breathe and speak, it’s also dangerous to put your full weight on someone’s head, neck, or throat. Instead, the receiver should hold themselves in place or brace themselves on something as they lean into or hover over their partner’s face.
In the basic facesitting position, the giver lays flat on their back and the receiver faces towards their partner and straddles them, usually by squatting or with each knee on either side of their head (like in a kneeling position.) “If you're in bed, using the headboard to hold onto can support you with rhythmic movement and keeping yourself steady,” says Marla Renee Stewart, a sexologist and sexpert for Lovers. Other people may prefer to face away from their partner, reverse cowgirl style, and move back towards their partner’s mouth.
In addition to these classic positions, Stewart says there are a number of modifications you can use to increase comfort or adapt to different levels of mobility. “For instance, folks who have knee issues may want to sit with their feet on the ground [or] bed instead of putting pressure on their knees,” she says. “If the receiver has neck or back issues, you may want to have them propped up with a pillow or small wedge, so that they are more comfortable. This can help them achieve the right angles for oral, especially if the giver has a vulva.” (If you’re looking for a wedge, Stewart recommends the Flip Ramp, especially for those with knee issues or those who find it uncomfortable to lay on their back.)
From there, facesitting is simply a matter of preference. Some people like slow and gentle oral sex, other people like using their nose or teeth to stimulate their partner, and some like more intense pressure. To get started, check out Them’s complete guide to eating out.
What are some facesitting tips for beginners?
If you’re curious about facesitting but aren’t sure where to begin, remember to keep it simple — communication, practice, and curiosity matter more than any one particular position or trick. “Everyone has their own personal preference for what feels good and comfortable, so it’s important to play around with it and find what’s right for you,” says Jackson.
- Talk before you sit. Communication is a bare minimum for everyone and every type of sex, but it’s especially important to emphasize when you’re new to something or a particularly intense sex act, which facesitting can be. Before sex, Stewart recommends talking with your partner about expectations (both emotional and physical) and any boundaries or specific limits you may have. You should also consider your safer sex options and talk through fluid swapping and STI exposure carefully. “Face sitting is usually reserved for folks who are ok with fluid bonding,” says Stewart, but you can try using a dental dam or latex glove as a barrier method — though realistically it’s challenging to properly hold the barrier in place in a facesitting position.
- Use verbal and non-verbal cues. At some point during your facesitting journey, you’ll notice that the receiver’s genitals will cover their partner’s mouth and face, sometimes preventing them from breathing or speaking normally. For many people, this light form of breath play is part of the fun! But it also means you and your partner(s) should agree on both verbal and nonverbal consent signals beforehand. “Having a safety gesture like a fist up or a tap out to indicate that you need to immediately stop what you're doing is going to create safety and security to ensure that you are doing the things that you want to do in the sexual experience,” says Stewart.
- Get in position. Though it may not sound super sexy at first, Caudillo recommends doing a “dry run” with your partner. “This way partners can be safe and pay attention to how much pressure the giver can take,” she says. After you’ve found what works, you may also want to ensure that lube, sex toys, or pillows are within easy reach as well. You can even practice running through a few of your verbal and non verbal consent cues.
- Explore pressure and play. Once you and your partner(s) are on the same page, there are a number of ways you can explore and increase pleasure. The receiver can rock their hips back and forth, side to side, or slowly grind against their partner’s mouth, nose, or entire face, says Caudillo. “They can increase or decrease the pressure by moving closer or further away from their partner and they can guide their partner’s tongue to areas like the vaginal opening, different parts of the clitoris, the scrotum, the perineum, the anus, the inner thighs.”
Finally, if you want to explore temperature play, Jackson says you can suck on an ice cube before having your partner pony up and get in the saddle.
Remember, just like with any kind of sex, it can take a while to figure out exactly what works for you, your partner, and your bodies. So be patient with yourself, prioritize communication and safety, and don’t be afraid to get back in the saddle.
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