In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Twitter and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.

Dear Advice King,

How can you possibly stay in Tennessee? And how can I? 

—Marcie in Memphis

 

I know what you mean, Marcie. Tennessee seems like a testing ground for right-wing meanness. Every question I receive is about how to deal with ascendant fascism. I miss the days of questions like “How do I stop my boyfriend from flirting with random women at the dog park?”

I’ve been so upset that I can hardly write a column. How do you express in prose the indignities of 2024 Tennessee? The funny (not funny) thing is, they feel a lot like the indignities of 1950.

Here’s a poem about it instead:

"The Takeover of Tennessee State University"

they did it in broad daylight, in 2024

 

four years after the death of John Lewis, 

when they figured 

everyone had forgotten 

what 

it took 

to get here

 

and they were right, I guess

 

while we look at our phones, 

the Lorraine Motel still stands - not even old 

there are plenty of motels that age still in service in 2024

 

plenty of people 

from back then, still in service too

 

but they were right

Nashville thought civil rights were a done deal - instead of a full time job

 

broad daylight

 

it’s been about a month since

white men 

from rural Tennessee

took over a historically black university

like it was 

a lunch counter

 

in 2024

 

reminds me of something…

white men in the rural south - what is it?

I’ve heard about them before - white men in the rural south…

 

confronted with Nashville’s private equity skyline

I can’t seem to remember

anything I ever knew about right and wrong

 

history has no place

under

the listless lights of drunken broadway

or

the blinking

doll eyes of the tourists

 

and I think…have we forgotten everything?

 

as

I scroll past

the crosses burning

 

in broad daylight

I don’t care if there is “nothing we can do, the state legislature, blah blah blah.” I wanna see some EMOTION. And not emotion about bike lanes — NOTHING AGAINST BIKE LANES. But as the kids say, READ THE ROOM — there’s blood coming out from under every door. Business as usual = tacit endorsement.

That last paragraph was supposed to be the end of the column, dear reader. But as I was writing this, it was brought to my attention that the Ryman Auditorium is hosting a fundraiser for RFK Jr. on May 15. Rob Schneider (you can read about him here) will be there. Jim Breuer will be there, too. Jim Breuer recently appeared on Roseanne Barr’s podcast. I’m not going to tell you what they said here, except to mention that they believe the United States is being taken over by liberal forces including  “the Black Mafia, the Gay Mafia and the Jewish Mafia.” 

What Roseanne Barr and the Ryman Auditorium’s honored guest Jim Breuer discussed is INDISTINGUISHABLE from subject matter that was once (not very long ago) confined to KKK meetings. The Ryman has already hosted a Daily Wire event where a racist Elizabeth Warren statue was onstage.

Where’s the outrage, Nashville?! I desperately want to stay here, but we need less business-as-usual and more righteous anger. Brings to mind a phrase I heard somewhere — “principles before personalities.”