In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Twitter and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
The state of Tennessee recently broke ground on the Multi-Agency Law Enforcement Training Academy (MALETA). It’s in Nashville. A bunch of Republican lawmakers — including Gov. Bill Lee and state House Speaker Cameron Sexton — posed holding ceremonial shovels. It’s going to cost $415 million. It’s on 800 acres. It will have dorms and a commissary. It will have a little fake city for officers to practice urban warfare. What are they preparing for? Why wasn’t this discussed during the mayoral election? What should Nashvillians do?
—Hannah in Nashville
I heard about this, Hannah. And I was flabbergasted. I never use that word, either. But I was. I was absolutely fucking flabbergasted. Then I was enraged. Then I was frightened. And then I was sad.
“Why wasn’t this discussed during the mayoral election?”
What a great question, Hannah. I have no idea why it wasn’t discussed during the mayoral election. In fact, I find it insane that it was not discussed during the recent mayoral election. Why the hell are we talking about stadiums and sidewalks when an armed camp is being built in our city? They’re calling it a “campus.” A campus with a fake city where men in body armor learn how to rappel down the sides of apartment buildings? Nope. That’s a military base.
“Campus” is to “military base” as “enhanced interrogation” is to “torture.” That’s an analogy, Gov. Bill Lee. You see, I’m not an idiot, Gov. Lee. You and your crowd (Cameron Sexton, other assorted weirdos and bullies) treat Tennesseans like we are idiots. I went to school. In America. In the 1970s and 1980s. We were taught all about analogies. In fact, we were raised to be little analogy experts. I don’t know why, really, but we were. They were on the SATs and ACTs and everything. So I know a good analogy when I see one — and that’s a solid analogy.
Chris Crofton
We didn’t just learn about analogies in these American schools, either. We also read George Orwell’s 1984. Did you, Gov. Lee? Or were you too busy dressing in drag at football games? Well, in case you missed it, here’s a quote from that book that I feel is extremely relevant to this discussion: “Big Brother is watching you.”
And here’s another one: “If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face — forever.”
Americans aren’t dumb, Gov. Lee. As I just mentioned, we read George Orwell’s 1984. So, Billy, we know this local army base is intended to be used against us — the citizens of Tennessee. And it won’t be used against the rich citizens — it will be used against the poor ones.
We know that this giant police “campus” is not intended to combat external threats. We have a National Guard for that. We have an Army, a Navy, the Marines, the Coast Guard, CIA and NSA. We also know the Multi-Agency Law Enforcement Training Academy won’t be training officers to get cats out of trees — unless they’re planning to shoot them out. The MALETA will include a “firing range complex” about the size of the Mall at Green Hills. We all read George Orwell’s 1984 as children, Mr. Governor. We know.
Knowing is not enough, however. When Atlantans heard that their city was intending to build one of these campuses, they organized against it. They started a movement that made news all over the country. You may have heard of it, Nashville — it’s called Stop Cop City. Protesters have tried to physically interrupt the facility’s construction. One, Manuel Teran, was shot 57 times by Georgia State Troopers. Protesters have been arrested, and — unbelievably — charged with racketeering. Atlanta officials refuse to hold a referendum on the project, even though Cop City’s opponents have collected 116,000 signatures demanding one.
Georgia’s Cop City is supposed to occupy 85 acres and cost $90 million. MALETA? Eight-hundred acres, $415 million. Atlanta got organized. Nashville got brunch.
IS GOV. BILL LEE RIGHT, NASHVILLE? ARE WE IDIOTS?
The MALETA groundbreaking was on Sept. 27. I’m watching a video of it right now. Every single politician holding a shovel at that ceremony is white. They are all Republicans. None of Nashville’s Metro councilmembers appear to be in attendance, as far as I can tell. Many of the politicians are laughing.
