In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Twitter and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
Why are Tennessee Republicans trying to reject more than $1 billion in federal funding for public schools? That’s our tax money! Why did Republican presidential candidate Ron DeSantis say he would like to get rid of the Department of Education? What is going on? It seems like Republicans are intentionally trying to create chaos in the U.S. public school system. It’s ironic, since they’re always saying how much they care about kids. I’m a single mom, and I can’t afford to pay for private school. How can I protect my children’s future?
—Meg in Knoxville
Remember when Louis DeJoy was put in charge of the U.S. Postal Service? He seemed like an odd choice, right? The first thing he did was throw out a bunch of functional mail-sorting machines. And then announced that the mail was going to be late. Strange way to start out at your new job: “Good morning! Throw away all the equipment.”
He was also very obviously angry about something. Call me crazy, but I got the sense, uhh, that he was angry at the Postal Service. And (surprise!) he’s in the process of bankrupting it. The Post Office lost $6.5 billion this year using DeJoy’s decidedly unusual “cut services and relentlessly raise prices” business model, implemented in 2021.
I was going to use former FCC Chairman Ajit Pai as my next example of someone who was put in charge of something that they have a personal or financial incentive to destroy/render impotent, but his myriad conflicts of interest are too byzantine to relate here. I’ll just mention that before he ran the FCC, he was a lawyer for Verizon. He works in private equity now. I found out something about him that I didn’t know, though: Pai clerked for a federal judge. Is it just me, or is everyone who ever clerked for a judge an absolute menace? Almost all the people who helped Trump try to overthrow the government were law clerks. I thought clerks were harmless! They’re clerks, for God’s sake.
Chris Crofton
How about the former CEO of Exxon becoming the United States secretary of state? That sounds fake. It sounds like something out of a sci-fi/horror novel. But Rex Tillerson is real — and that’s really his name! And don’t think I’m just picking on Trump. Ajit Pai was first hired by Barack Obama. Louis DeJoy is still employed under Biden. Bill Clinton really did give the pen he used to repeal Glass-Steagall to the CEO of Citigroup as a souvenir.
My point? We are being governed by people who are trying to destroy the government. We are being governed by corporate henchmen who are on a mission to privatize everything. Tennessee’s Republican Speaker of the House Cameron Sexton is one of those people. Gov. Bill Lee is one of those people. Their kids don’t go to public school. They hold public office at the pleasure of big money. Money from multinational corporations. Money from wealthy folks who don’t use public schools, and don’t want their tax money going toward them. People who view human existence as a game to be won. People — often people who consider themselves Christians — who have the hubris to call themselves “self-made.”
Their campaign to demonize and defund public schools is brutal. It’s basically, “If we can’t have them, then nobody will.” They literally want to leave poor children behind. And in a mind-blowingly antisocial final act, they want to use public money — poor people’s money, communal money, the very money they are trying to deny public schools — to subsidize their exit (vouchers).
Public schools are an essential part of a functional, humane society. They are an essential part of the U.S. as we have known it — as American as apple pie. But these people are exiting society. They want to get up from the “poker table” (taxes, shared responsibility) in the middle of the game, because they are WAY UP. Try that in a real game of poker and see how it goes for you. It’s not going to go very well for them either, in the end. But we’re in the awkward, barbaric, in-between period of late — but not yet final-hour — capitalism.
Meg, I’m heartbroken that this question even has to be asked. I’m heartbroken that you are having to deal with this craziness. We’re all heartbroken out here — everyone with a heart, at least.
Vote. Run for office. Be kind.
