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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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This is a great big rant but I find it so frustrating!!!!!

38 replies

amummyinwaiting · 20/06/2010 17:32

I just feel I need to have a big rant as I fond this so FLIPPING (as you can see I'm trying not to swear) annoying and depressing.
My friend and work colleague has been with her boyfriend for 7 months. Up until then she was a strong willed person who happily defended women and their rights.
Now however she has become some namby pamby person who cow tows to her boyfriend and berrates (I know thats not spelled correctly) me for being a "feminist" (she says it as if it is a really bad thing to be.)
She and him have full time jobs but she runs around cooking and cleaning his house for him because "he works so much harder than her "(he works in an office exactly the same as her). He talks her down on "discussions" they have on her specialist work subjects and before the election she said that he was so much cleverer than her and she didnt think she was clever enough to vote.
Why do women do this? I know everyone changes to some degree when they are in a relationship to accomadate their new partner but this frustrates me so much!
Their, rant over!

OP posts:

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Miggsie · 20/06/2010 17:39

Unfortunately this seems to be very common for women in the first 6 months to a year of the relationship and then the die is cast and she's doing it all still 10 years later and he takes it for granted.

Unfortunately it seems to be endemic in society that if a MAN is in the room his needs and opinions overcome any woman.

Yes, it annoys me, too.

amummyinwaiting · 20/06/2010 17:53

It stupid isnt it? I think at times that women are taking a step backwards with things like this. And I hate it how she makes me seem like the weird one!

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dittany · 20/06/2010 17:53

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foureleven · 20/06/2010 17:58

Agree with dittany.

When i was a much younger woman and I first lived with a man I threw myself in to 'playing house' just cause I was so chuffed to have found someone to play wifey to... yuk and cringe and double cringe...

amummyinwaiting · 20/06/2010 18:03

Thank you dittany,
Its been somthing I have been struggling with a lot recently. I dont think it helps that she is in effect my boss so I cant act how I would to a "normal" friend. He is a complete pratt and yes she is indeed trying to have a fantasy of life being wonderful. I have never met him as he doesnt want to mix with her friends (and refers to me as "the pig" because I'm not a size 10) but all I here is " said this" " did that" It is amost like she wants me to say negative things?
It was quite a shock to me that an intelligent woman could act like this...and makes me even more of a feminist!

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JaxTellersOldLady · 20/06/2010 18:07

he calls you a pig? That is disgraceful and rude behaviour.

Your 'friend/boss' sounds like she has landed a prize tosser!

Just ignore the negative comments, stay out of it. The messenger always gets shot.

dittany · 20/06/2010 18:11

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amummyinwaiting · 20/06/2010 18:12

I used to try and argue with her and try to show her what a pratt he was (I even worried at one time it was mental abuse)but then I realised she wasnt sticking up for herself or me and was actually enjoying it so I dont get involved anymore....just keep on hearing it all at work (her talking at me, or telling other people how fantastic he is etc) and it riles me!
I was very hurt that someone would say those things about me whe they have never met me, and that she never stuck up for me. I think its sad that someone can let everything go , including many other friends,work life, social life, hobbies ad interests, all for a man who is a complete pratt.

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amummyinwaiting · 20/06/2010 18:26

I know I know, as soon as I started writing this I realised how crap it is and what an awful friend she is. I now just do the mmm,mmm but but am seething inside.
When I have confronted her in the past she says its because he has issues....that his dad used to hit him...that he's poorly. ....but she has got to see that its all pathetic.
When she told me he refers to me as "the pig" he actually said about how "the pig will be happy once she has her face in a trough full of food" and insisted she was going to split up with him...but now refers to it as "the rough patch they went through".
He has seen two photos of me so I know the rest is what she is telling him. Which makes me feel self conscous about eating at work because I think she is reporting back to him. Whic I know is stupid and so in turn amkes me feel incrediblyfrustrated with myself too!

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HerBeatitude · 20/06/2010 18:30

I think this harks back to the romance thread. Women are encouraged to "lose themselves" in the romance of it all.

She sounds like your confidence make her feel insecure and she needs to try and put you down in order to justify her door-mattery.

DSM · 20/06/2010 18:35

I don't really get what this has to do with feminism?

Your mate has a new boyfriend who sounds like a hit if a twat.

Why is it a feminist issue? Surely the cooking/cleaning for him aspects of their relationship are nothing to do with him being a twat. .

HerBeatitude · 20/06/2010 18:36

Um, women taking on the domestic tasks in the name of love, has everything to do with feminism.

amummyinwaiting · 20/06/2010 18:39

Sorry DSM, it started out as a feminist rant about women altering themselves and acting stupid for men, and then got onto my feelings about it.

OP posts:

dittany · 20/06/2010 18:41

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amummyinwaiting · 20/06/2010 18:45

Thanks Dittany and herbeatitude,
yes it is difficult, especially when I can see how much she has changed herself for him and making herself into "the little women" for him.
I am trying my hardest to keep away (and make scenario's up in my head about how I would make him feel two inches tall if ever I met him!)

OP posts:

HerBeatitude · 20/06/2010 18:47

Buy her "In the Name of Love" by Jill Tweedie for her next birthday.

Might get her thinking...

DSM · 20/06/2010 18:56

Is she being expected to cook/clean? I've misread then, I thought she just was doing these tasks.

I don't agree that wanting to cook and keep above house makes you non-feminist.

Isn't feminism about choices? Unless he is making her cook and clean (which I can't see from the posts..) then surely she's making that choice?

dittany · 20/06/2010 19:00

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DSM · 20/06/2010 19:04

Completely agree, a woman shouldn't be expected to cook and clean for a man.

I didn't see that on this thread, is all. I saw the OP complain that her friend was doing the cooking etc, not that she'd been asked/expected to.

Anyway, regardless the guy called her a pig because she's overweight. So he's a twat.

amummyinwaiting · 20/06/2010 19:09

I wasnt complaining about my friend cooking and cleaning as I think everyone does that (the cleaning not the complaining) I was complaining about the fact that she runs around doing everything for him,makes herself seem stupid because of him and tries to make out that being a feminist is a bad thing. And then I got sidetraked into talking about how I felt about him because people where discussing it.

OP posts:

dittany · 20/06/2010 19:57

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DSM · 20/06/2010 20:14

I cook and clean for my DP. He doesn't expect me to do it. But it must get done. Sometimes he does it, but generally more if I ask him to rather than off his own back, though that's laziness on his part.

He makes me breakfast every day that I have it, it's the one thing he can do well and likes to spoil me. I don't 'expect' it though.

He's not a twat and he's not sexist. And I haven't conformed to stereotype. I like cooking. I'm better at cleaning than him. And both must get done.

HerBeatitude · 20/06/2010 20:14

I think it's an issue even if a woman offers to do it, "plays house" etc., because that's what she's been conditioned to expect.

A man who will accept that, is a wrong'un IMO.

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DSM · 20/06/2010 20:16

So a man is sexist because he 'let's' his wide cook for him?

dittany · 20/06/2010 20:21

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