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support? advice?

8 replies

frikonastick · 16/06/2010 16:36

this is quite difficult to write. i was going to namechange but then thought oh fuck it.

had quite a big argument with DH last night about feminism. well, maybe not about feminism itself, but about how much i am talking about it. i am not explaining well.

ok. basically DH said to me last night could we just not talk about it for a while. and i was a bit taken aback, and said you know, why? and he said its so bloody depressing. he said that he quite often struglles to sleep at night thinking about some of the stuff i tell him and he just wants to stop thinking about it.

he says having DD makes it all so much worse and he feels powerless and helpless and he just wants to give it a break.

none of this is unreasonable. what has upset me is that now i feel like he is one less person i can talk to about all this stuff and i hate it. and i feel totally shit that i have been upsetting him and he didnt tell me because he says he couldnt think of a way to say it without sounding like he doesnt care. and now we have had this big argument.

i was going to put this in relationships but i guess i am looking for reassurance from others who think like i do, who have good husbands like i do about how to sort of get through this.

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sarah293 · 16/06/2010 16:40

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 16/06/2010 17:34

God I can see why you were upset. I sometimes worry about whether I talk to DP too much about this stuff - not because he shouldn't have to worry his pretty head about it, but because he probably sees a lot more anger from me than he actually deserves, IYSWIM. (Not aimed at him, but still not nice to be around constantly.) If he actually said that he had had enough I would be upset for many reasons.

I bet he would feel better if he was doing something about it though? Feeling powerless is crap, but he isn't powerless. He has a voice and can write letters and start campaigns and march down the street and lobby his MP as well as anyone can. He could write a letter to DD's school asking what their anti-sexism policy is, etc.

The answer is not for you to shut up about it, nor should you feel you have to. As long as it's not the only thing you can start a conversation about, of course. Maybe he's just feeling that you two don't have enough time to talk about anything and he would rather just be relaxed sometimes when you're together, instead of constantly dealing with political issues.

Often when I'm talking to DP about feminism/politics, the conversation goes on longer because he brings up some small point that I feel I have to argue over - does that happen to you? So he won't say "yes _ is terrible and something should be done!" even if that's what he's thinking, he'll always say "but in circumstance X, it's not a problem." And then we get into a heated argument reasoned debate.

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frikonastick · 16/06/2010 18:21

yes! EAM thats exactly what happens. i think when i tell him about stuff his immediate response is to make it better for me. but im talking about things he doesnt have direct control over and i guess fuels his feeling of it all being doom and gloom. and also, perhaps there is an elemnt of me telling him things with him as the sounding board, and you are right he gets alot of the 'heat'.

and the bit about us not having time to talk about anything and he would rather be relaxed when we do get together is actually almost word for word what he said.

he called a little while ago (he is travelling) and said that he doesnt want me to feel like i have to censor myself or double think before i tell him things, he is stuggling with this as much as me, obviously.

also, if im totally honest, i think i am also upset because i sort of feel like, well if HE doesnt want to deal with it anymore, how does he think us women feel!!!!!

but thats a bit of a cheap shot and unfair on him.

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Prolesworth · 16/06/2010 18:34

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 16/06/2010 18:38

I was just thinking, before I read your reply, it's like a bad joke: "misogyny finally affects men too - they have to listen to their wives complaining about it"

Totally sympathise with feeling like there's now one less person to talk to - I think maybe guys don't realise how rare it is to find someone who can look beyond "but lots of women do make false allegations of rape!" or whatever to the real arsing truth of the situation.

How to deal with it? Well personally I think I need to talk to DP about remembering to mention it if he does agree with the main thrust of what i'm saying, before going over the details with a fine tooth comb. It might save a lot of time and energy. I know what you mean about a cheap shot, but it might be worth reminding him that you don't have the option to just "forget it" as sexism is something you have to deal with every day. Does he understand what male privilege is? Because being able to just walk away from thinking about sexism is part of it. You can't and nor will your DD be able to. Part of his job as a parent is to try to make the world better for her. Would he think about taking some kind of action with you? Starting a campaign, or attending a feminist event maybe? Or taking people to task over sexist comments at work or in the pub? Maybe he'd feel more positive if he felt he was on the side of the goodies, rather than the baddies.

Sometimes maybe you need to simmer down and put things to the back of your mind for an hour or two, and just enjoy his company. Don't worry, the patriarchy will still be there when you get back

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frikonastick · 16/06/2010 19:09

thanks guys, i feel so much better just for 'talking' it out with y'all.

i dont have anyone in RL to talk to about any of this. im afraid i live in an arabic country where pretty much no one speaks english.

and typing that i realised that i could rant to some of my RL friends on skype or whatever but i dont because i guess i am doing all the catching up type talking.

i save all the fun stuff for DH........

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 16/06/2010 19:17

I don't have many people to talk to IRL either, frik. It's my mum and her friends, many of whom were at greenham - that's it. These older feminists are often a bit defeated by the backlash (not surprisingly) or else just too tired of fighting to carry on, although delighted that feminism is re-emerging.

What I really need though is to be around feminists from 13 to 50, the "current" lot. That's why I love this section so much. When I met up with a feminist group in London I was quite embarrassed to admit how much less "lonely" I felt. It was amazing. You don't always realise how alone you feel in these views usually, until you meet others who share them.

So...MN feminist meet up? We can come to Qatar ( or wherever)?

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frikonastick · 16/06/2010 19:30

lol! i live a little more deepest darkest arabia than qatar, i can just see the faces at immigration.......reason for visit madam 'oh just here for a feminist rally!'.........

although, it would probably be alright because it is very very unlikely they would ever have heard of it

(am not trying ot be coy about where i live by the way, its just i am so easy to identify by virtue of its unusualness)