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When you were younger, what were your expectations from a relationship, and how have they changed?

12 replies

BertieBotts · 15/05/2010 01:06

I know this seems like an odd question to put here, but I have been thinking quite a lot recently about how when I first started dating etc, I had pretty crap expectations from men and about how they would treat me etc. It makes me feel sad now to read my old diaries etc and realise just how low they were

I know that some of it has to be down to your parents' relationship and the model provided etc but I just wondered what others' experiences were with this and what we thought about it. I don't have a DD but if I ever did have one I think I would worry about this for her.

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SolidGoldBrass · 15/05/2010 01:22

Hmm. When I was in my teens I idealised stupid over-dramatized relationships (though luckily didn't really end up in any) but also had a strong streak of wanting to be equal/strong/better than any man I dated. Which I am very glad of as it spared me some horrors. I do think women are fed some very toxic myths about 'love' - that it has to be dramatic, that you can 'save' a difficult man by loving him, that love is more important than anything else, and that these are all untrue.

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BertieBotts · 15/05/2010 02:06

Yes... I don't really know about drama, but I definitely did think that you could and should "save" people. Ignored the whole "You can't change him" thing because I thought that it was possible if you stuck with it long enough etc.

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Granny23 · 15/05/2010 02:52

I do not think I have changed at all. I always had the idea that I deserved the best, someone who was my equal and I must have seemed very choosey. If I did go on a date with someone who seemed fine at first meeting and then realised he was 'needy' he got dropped immediately. I have a strong aversion to dependancy or slavish devotion - probably why I have a cat rather than a dog! Alternatively, I could not and will not have any truck with someone who feels themselves to be superior to me.

I did have DDs and made a point of instilling into them a sense of their own worth. They are both kind and caring women, always ready to help friends and strangers in need. Both got embroiled for a short time in relationships where they were trying to shore someone up with the love of a good woman, but thankfully they disentangled themselves and have now settled into long, long partnerships with great blokes.

I do have friends who were attracted to men who 'needed' them and others who have long relationships with men who treat them like lesser beings. Some are still together but their 'partnerships' seem (to me) to be very flawed, they moan constantly about each other and engage in nasty 'one upmanship' games. Maybe this is what they wanted/expected - it certainly was not what I wanted for myself or my DDs.

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DemonChild · 16/05/2010 13:27

Ha! I totally thought I was attracted to bastards and I put up with some very bad behaviour. Things like boys saying 'we can have sex, but I can't be your boyfriend' (?!) and generally wanting to sleep with other women and I expected relationships to be painful and hard work.

BUT! Big but, I never fell in love with any of those men and the relationships never lasted very long. And then I realised I was an idiot, grew up a bit and learnt to like myself and my own company.

3 months later, met DP and have never looked back! So I've totally surpassed the expectations I had as a young woman/teenager.

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fishinabucket · 16/05/2010 17:27

my folks were very strict so dating wasnt something i did until i was much older. and i think this helped in that the older you are, basically the smarter you are! but also, my father especially held me in high regard and so i expected the same treatment from boyfriends iyswim.

thats not to say i didnt end up dating a psycho who once tried to throw me out of a 13 story window...........but that was less to do with me having low expectations of men and ALOT more to do with him being a serial predator who had abused before (and after).

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SkaterGrrrrl · 18/05/2010 14:00

I dated a string of bastards in my 20s. If I had met DH any younger I would have found him boring (read respectful, kind, wise, strong). Thank god I met in my 20s and clocked him for the gem he is!

My mum never discussed boyfriends (or sex) with me or gave me any advice or guidance - if I have daughters I'll tell thwm to stand up for themselves not follow boys around, have seld respect and not to put up with bad behaviour from men!

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MrsC2010 · 26/05/2010 15:20

Ditto pretty much exactly what SkaterGrrrrl said. I met DH when I was 27 (29 now) and despite only having met once or twice before we first 'got it on' I knew within the first week of dating that he was different, and it would be something meaningful. If I had met him at 20 or even 25 I don't think he would have been my type...again, all of the adjectives SkaterGrrrrl uses above. Don't know why I never went for his 'type' beforehand, but I guess I craved the drama and the 'status' of these other types, despite being actually quite a fragile person emotionally at times but very successful in my own right. I felt I had to put on an act with the others, which I could drop yet almost become in reality when I met DH.

We were together a year when we got engaged, married 6 months later and now a year on from that we're expecting our first child. Yes, he winds me up a treat sometimes but I adore him, and am amazingly proud to be his wife. (Vomit emoticon needed.) I never had the capacity to feel that with some of the eejits I met before.

I remember the desperate feeling of wanting to do anything to cling on to them, but not knowing why cause they were arses who put me on edge the whole time we were together. I can almost feel the absolute emotional despair I felt at times wondering what I could do better, it scares me now and I can't believe it of myself. I am surprised too, in every other aspect of my life I was confident, secure and successful, except I never felt I deserved to be and kept waiting for someone to see me for who I really was and 'out' me. I was very attractive, but having never believed that I never took care of my figure, and could now do with losing a stone or so. (Am only a 16 so not massive!) I don't even think my best friends could see the truly scared, vulnerable character I was underneath, I felt like such a fraud. I can't explain why I was that way though, I have a loving and supportive family with no history of failed or abusive marriages, close and old friends, a very happy childhood, good education etc...yet I seemed so unsure.

Thank god for a few years and a little perspective!

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BlingLoving · 26/05/2010 15:27

I'm not sure my previous expectations were a feminist issue but I expected to meet a man who would be everything to me and fulfill all my needs. I thought that unless he was perfect and hardly ever irritated me he couldn't be The One.

Then I grew up and realised that expecting one person to be everything to me and not to have any problems was entirely unrealistic. It was at that point that I met DH. He would never have made it through if I'd been still thinking like my younger self! Phew, lucky for both of us I was grown up by then.

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BertieBotts · 26/05/2010 21:10

I guess if your expectations were too high, that's probably the opposite of a feminist issue

I just mean that looking back over all my relationships so far, I have always settled for much less than I now realise I was worth - and TBH it's only from being on mumsnet and seeing people describe their (good) relationships, that I realised that what I'd been putting up with wasn't to be expected from any relationship, and that I probably will meet another person just as good, in fact, better! And I wondered if young women in general do this, or whether it was just me having crap expectations - and if all (or most) young women think like this, what we can do to help our friends/sisters/daughters/nieces/etc. I mean, I was always told "Don't take any crap from a man" "Don't let a man come between you and your friends/family/plans (uni, jobs etc)" but I always thought "Oh that only applies to silly teenage relationships, not this, this is SERIOUS." (lol) rather than realising the true meaning of it which was that a decent man would get on with or at least be polite to your friends and family, and would support you in your plans.

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Ryoko · 31/05/2010 10:17

Well my parents hated each other, still do, my dad used to hit all the kids a lot (never an adult mans a coward) he made my mum give up work because he didn't like a woman getting more money then him.

I grew up thinking I'd end up with a nice rich man with a nice house and a nice car, I waited for that man.......then I gave up, I'm in a 1 bed flat with a balding man with half his back teeth missing cos they got knocked out, he can't drive and works at a shop.

Make of that what you will, if there is anything to make of it

Oh well I'm happy wouldn't change him for the world (except make him rich with a house and a car).

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ItsGraceAgain · 05/06/2010 02:04

I was very conflicted between social messages in general (I was born in 1955, and attitudes changed very slowly) and the changing times - by the time I was 20, laws were changing fast in favour of equality and we were sexually independent but the old thinking was still ingrained, culturally and personally.

My school was a selective girls' grammar with high standards: we were automatically entered for Oxbridge, but the careers mistress told me go for a secretarial position with the Foreign Office. My best friend, going to study medicine, was given information about a career in nursing. In short, a girl of that era was taught to be feisty, to think for herself, to expect equality - and to be 'nice' and pleasing

My own case was further complicated by the very unpleasant dynamics of my parents' marriage, my "training" to serve without question, daily beatings ... and my father's concurrent teachings to be tough & take no shit.

All of this impacted on my life up to now. Now in middle age, I've only recently identified these conflictual influences and am still trying to put them together in a more sensible shape. It's leading me to do some interesting exercises. Although I accept that I may or may not have another sexual relationship, I am actively avoiding them whilst I do this work. I have no idea of what a genuinely equal relationship looks like - nobody I know has one! Some friends have, in the past, gone at some of the things I've said: I now think they were among the few, who do live with equality, and I simply wasn't equipped to understand them.

I'm very, very grateful to those who posted to my "chauvinist" thread. Your descriptions of how your relationships work are precious sources of positive 'modelling'. And I'm envious!