Emily is an entertaining newbie. Anna is a party pro. In The Party Project, they work together to create dinner party perfection.
Recently, a book by Dena Rayess called Cheese Balls came across my desk. Like the virus that kills A-list actors in the 2011 film Contagion, the cheese ball book, with its grotesque-but-delicious-looking mounds of cheese, overtook me. It also made an impact on my coworker Becky. We determined that there was no solution but to host a party and force-feed our friends globs of fortified cream cheese.
If you're unfamiliar with the posh Midwestern delicacy, the cheese ball, let me explain: to make one, you whip together cream cheese and another cheese or two (commonly brie or cheddar). You add mix-ins, like scallions, caramelized onions, herbs, etc., and then you roll the mixture into a ball (or a log, or whatever shape you like). Finally, you coat it with seasoning or something crunchy—usually nuts, but sometimes herbs or spices. Perhaps the most classic cheeseball combo includes port wine, cheddar, and pecans. Set out crackers and a cheese knife, and the cheese ball is ready to serve.
In other words, it's cooking that I can handle. So while I usually don't host a party without consulting my shaman Anna Stockwell, this time I felt confident enough to go fully rogue.
Not really, though, because I have internalized many of the tips Anna has given me in the past, all of which apply here: Make as much as you can ahead! Buy one bottle of wine for every guest! Don't apologize for your mistakes! (Okay, that one I haven't internalized.)
Beyond those general entertaining guidelines, I came up with a few tips specific to partying with cheese balls.
Embrace the Theme
Maybe you think it's tacky to host a party where you serve ridiculous retro food. Maybe you think this style of party is the kind of nostalgic gimmick only a Millennial would partake of, for Instagram fodder. You'd be spot on, I guess. There's no denying that throwing a party where you serve only cheese balls is tacky, gimmicky, and deranged. It's also fun.—fun to make the cheese balls, fun to present them in an absurd cocktail-party spread, and—not least of all—fun to eat them. There is no misery in a cheese ball, only mindless pleasure. So if you're a person who hates fun...don't host this party.
Host With a Friend
Part of the reason I felt comfortable breaking away from Anna is that I would be co-hosting with Becky, who's a highly competent entertainer. Hosting a party with a friend relieves a lot of stress, and makes the party prep partylike in and of itself. When guests arrive, one of you can do the greeting while the other pours a drink. During the party, you can trade off replenishing the crackers while the other makes sure that everyone has drinks or that the conversation is still lively. Should things go wrong, the responsibility is shared. Less pressure!
And if no one shows up to the party, which was a real scare for us for a while (for the first hour and a half it was just us and one friend), we didn't stress at all, because we could easily have had just as much fun eating cheese balls and drinking wine ourselves.
Only Invite Friends Who Consume Dairy
Just kidding! We have a few lactose-intolerant friends, so we ended up making a cashew cheese ball as well. And oddly, this ended up being the most popular "cheese" ball of the night. I guess people were trying to be healthy?
Serve a variety of balls
True, 90% of our menu was made up of cream-cheese based foods. But within that framework, we tried to serve a variety of foods. After all, the beauty of the cheese ball is that it's endlessly customizable.
It's important to cover the classics. For that, we made a Port Wine cheese ball and the "Classic" cheese ball from the book, which contained Worcestershire, brie, and cheddar.
But then we got funky. We made a simple ball with scallion and everything-bagel seasoning. We made a kimchi cheese ball and coated it in Japanese rice snacks. And we made that simple cashew-cheese ball and coated it in tender herbs. So did we basically force-feed our friends a bunch of cream cheese? Yes. But they experienced multiple flavor sensations while it happened.
Provide Other Snacks
Okay, fine, you probably should set out something to eat other than cheese. We put out crudités, some of which we dressed in chile-lime seasoning for plain snacking, and some of which were unseasoned so they could be dipped into the cheese. We also put out snack mix, olives of several varieties, and wasabi peas. Dairy is intense. A little salt and acid helps reset the palate.
Drink Good Wine with Your Cream Cheese
Again—I can't emphasize this enough—you're asking your friends to eat a bunch of cream cheese. You need to provide good wine as a kind of contrast to the humble suburban-ness of it all. Follow Anna's usual rule of buying a bottle of wine per guest. Even if you ask people to bring wine (which you should!) you'll end up with just enough.
Host at an Odd Time
You're not providing a balanced meal here. For that reason, you should host the party between meal times, in the afternoon on a weekend. We started our cheese ball party at 3pm and invited people to come and go as they felt like it. People very well may stick around well until in the evening, and that's fine—just order a few pizzas to keep the cheese flowing.