Okay, but what if you’ve been in a relationship for a while now, and although the foreplay is still pretty good, the real issue is that it’s also become a bit, well, boring? What do you do? First, don’t overthink it; you’re not in a position that is strange, rare, or anything to be overly concerned about. Second, there are a few things that you and your partner can do to bring a bit more spice back into the foreplay aspect of your sex life.
1. Build Up Anticipation
GiphyI’ve been working with long-term couples for a really long time now — and if there’s one thing that can tank the sex life of people who’ve been having sex for years, it’s not doing what builds up anticipation. At the end of the day, anticipation is all about giving your partner something to look forward to. Sexting does this. Sending your partner an email with a hotel reservation or some out-of-the-blue sexcation plans does this. Calling them to share something that you want to check off of your sex-themed bucket list does this.
Pretty much doing anything that lets them know that you want them to get into the headspace of getting super excited about what you have in store for them, on the sexual tip — that is some of the best foreplay that there is, y’all. So, when’s the last time that you gave your man a preview of what is to come? Hmm…
2. Get Creative with Your Nudity
GiphyUnfortunately, our culture can be so…imbalanced (let’s go with that word) when it comes to sex that many people think it’s impossible to engage in intimacy with someone for years (even decades) on end and still find it to be an absolutely wonderful and fulfilling experience. Meanwhile, there areplenty of studies to support that sex actually gets better, the longer that you are with someone (one study says that it’s around the 15-year mark when things really start to soar!). The thing that you should avoid is falling into a rut — being lazy about intimacy, looking crazy while going to bed (y’all know what I am talking about), and not “dressing up” the gift sometimes.
I can’t tell you how many husbands I have worked with who have told me that they never get tired of their wife’s body (like…ever); what they do get sick of is no lingerie or creativity when it comes to her “sexual presentation.” Date night with no drawers on. Watching television in a sheer baby doll get-up. Celebrating a goal that he’s reached with nothing but a bow on when you come to bed. You get what I mean, right? He chose you. He wants you. Get creative with your body when it comes to intimacy sometimes, though. That way, he’ll never see you coming (well…until…you know. LOL!).
3. Leave Touch Out of It (Initially)
GiphyWhile once reading an article on Bustle’s site about where the term “blow job” came from (it’s a semi-long explanation; you can check it outhere), there’s a sentence that says, “The roots of the term ‘blow job’ began a bit earlier than this, however — in the 17th century, to be exact, when to ‘blow’ meant to bring someone to orgasm.” One definition of blow speaks to what we do with our breath whether it’s whistling, breathing hard, or creating a steady stream of air out of our mouth.
If you do this on your partner’s erogenous zones, it can provide a very flirty yet arousing level of stimulation to where they will want you to touch them as soon as possible. Oh, and if you add some dirty words into the mix, they will damn near be ready to climax the moment even your finger touches their body. Hey, try it. I’m absolutely not exaggerating.
4. Kiss Everywhere…BUT the Mouth (Again, Initially)
GiphyEven though some people don’t like to kiss (check out “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?”), the rest of us? We want it as much as possible! There isa scientific reason for why that is the case too. When you kiss someone (especially in the mouth), it releases feel-good and bonding hormones and chemicals including dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin; not to mention the fact that it can also help to reduce stress. And while kissing does feel absolutely amazing, remember that the focus here is to “pregame” stimulation.
So, if you really want to get your man riled up, avoid his mouth (at first) and even his penis and opt for turn-on spots instead.The wetness of your mouth, the softness of your lips, and the texture of your tongue along his neck, around his ears or gently grazing his back? Girl, I’m getting a little hot ‘n bothered just talking — well, writing — about it.
5. Stay Out of the Bed
GiphyIf there are two things that couples can find themselves getting really lazy about (if they’re not careful), it’s when they have sex and where. As far as the “when” goes,although reportedly, guys tend to prefer it in the morning (I mean, morning wood…makes sense) and women do late at night, most couples will admit that there is usually a time when they have it the most (especially if they’ve got young children — check out “How To Make Sex Easier (& More Fun) When You've Got Kids”) as a way of “meeting in the middle.” For example, if for you and your man,that’s 10 p.m. and it’s pretty much that way, every time, that can get to become boring, simply because no anticipation is necessary; you know what’s coming.
Same thing goes for always having sex in the bed. Even though it’s comfortable and accommodating to most sex positions, trying other places (at least for foreplay) can cultivate a feeling of newness and excitement. Whether it’s on the kitchen floor, in your car (when it’s in the garage), in the shower (check out “So, This Is How To Make Shower Sex So Much Better”), in your closet (some people really like the closeness of it) or, what appears to be most folks’ favorite spot,the living room sofa (go figure, chile) — get out of the bed sometimes. The bed is comfy, no doubt. It’s also predictable as hell.
6. Have a Foreplay Staycation
GiphyIt honestly floors me, just how many married couples I know who either haven’t taken a romantic vacation in years or (what in the world?!) haven’t done it since their honeymoon. To that, I’ll just say this: there was once a study conducted of 2,000 couples. It was revealed that of those who felt like their relationship had lost its spark, 42 percent of them were able to get it back by spending some quality time together while taking a leisure trip (without the kids). To me, this makes all of the sense in the world because romantic vacations are designed to “get off of the grid” and focus, solely, on you and your partner’s needs.
So, if you are one of those couples who doesn’t have a trip, just for you and your man, on the docket for some time this year, here’s your sign that you need to figure something out — ASAP. And what if your money is tight? What should you do in the meantime? How about a foreplay staycation? Plan 24-48 hours where you and your man do nothing but kiss, lick, and touch without any penetration involved. Play sex games. Dance naked. Come up with (new) safe words. After a day or two of nothing but this, you will be ready to explode once it’s time to actually have sex with each other!
7. Play Your Own Version of “Hot, Warm, Cold”
GiphyTemperature play plays a solid role in sexual pleasure; that’s why I’ve written articles like “Hot Sex: 10 Super Sultry Reasons To Bring Wax Play Into Your Bedroom” for the platform. Anyway, aside from the fact thatit’s pretty damn hilarious that 69 degrees is the ideal room temperature for intimacy (umm, if you catch my drift), a big part of the reason why playing around with hot, warm, and cold temps is so effective is because your nerves respond,sometimes drastically so, to variations in them.
I mean, when you stop to consider that there are8,000 nerves in a clitoris and 4,000 in a penis, imagine what some ice would do during oral sex. Or, how about heating up a sex toy that’s made out of glass or metal in some boiling water, letting it cool just a bit, and running that up and down each other’s erogenous zones? If you do this while being blindfolded, there really is no telling where the peak levels of stimulation could take you!
8. Focus on Upping the Ante on Your Partner’s Stimulation (As They Do the Same for You)
GiphyI’ve already referenced the word “stimulation” a few times. To stimulate is “to rouse to action or effort, as by encouragement or pressure; incite.” Some synonyms include arouse, inspire, spark, activate, energize, enflame, support, urge — and motivate (cue Kelly Rowland’s song, "Motivation"). And so, keeping all of this in mind, when it comes to foreplay with your partner, how much effort do you put into stimulating him — into inspiring him, energizing him, motivating him…yes, sexually?
Something that I am a big-time believer of is, it’s hard to fall into a sexual rut, if the goal that BOTH PEOPLE have is to always outdo themselves, damn near every time that they come together. That said, how can you “out-inspire” him with your compliments? How can you “out-energize” him with a creative meal that’sfilled with aphrodisiacs? How can you “out-motivate” him with some new ideas that you’ve researched while you were at work?
When it comes to both foreplay and sex, “applying pressure” can be a ton of fun — when you see yourself as your own competition as far as taking your partner to new heights in the stimulation department.
9. Be Unpredictable
GiphyUnpredictable can go a lot of ways. In the context of what I’m referring to, I’m not talking about being fickle, erratic, and unreliable. Nah, what I mean is, be intentional about having a few tricks up your sleeve that your partner would never see coming.
An example of this comes from a song from a local legend here, Shannon Sanders (if you know, you know). He once wrote a song entitled “Interstate” and the intro starts off with him saying, “What you doin’? Not you. Didn’t think you were the type.” Yeah, you can read between the lines (or click on the hyperlink to the title) to get what he’s talking about yet I’m pretty sure that what made the experience, 50 times greater, is she did something that was outside of the norm. When it comes to foreplay and sex — that is typically the case. #wink
10. Switch the Energy Up
GiphyForeplay can — and should — have different themes from time to time. One time, focus on being romantic (rose petals and toasting each other). Another time, lean into being kinky (where are your handcuffs and bondage rope?). Still, another time, discuss a fantasy that you each want to fulfill. Then play dress-up as you role play. Record (the audio) of yourselves having sex one day; then play it another day — during foreplay.
Spoon naked and talk about all of the things that you adore about each other’s bodies. Get some oral sex dice (like thesehere) and see where throwing the dice will take you. Y’all, energy is such a big part of foreplay and sex, and the more you master switching it up, the more you and your partner will look forward to coming — and cumming — together for years to come. No doubt about it, sis.
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So…if our feelings tend to lean into being fickle, why would God give us whatever our feelings want at any given time? Sounds pretty…unstable and unreliable if you ask me — and why would God cosign on anything that is like that? Want one more? James 4:3 (NKJV) states, “You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures” — uh-huh…that one is pretty self-explanatory.
Okay, so why the mini-sermon today? I’m just laying down some groundwork to consider as we dive into something that has been pretty popular as of late: the dating delusion calculator.
If you’re not familiar, it’s an online calculator that you can use to put in some basic things that you want in a mate to see what the probability is of you being linked to an individual who perfectly fits the bill. For instance, say that you desire a Black Christian man who’s between 30 and 40, has a bachelor’s degree, has no kids, is between 5’10” and 6’1”, isn’t obese, and makes around $100,000 annually. According to the calendar, the percentage of men who fit those criteria in the US? You ready (you’re not…LOL): that’s 0.00154% or 2,541 of 164,977,341 American men. Chile…CHILE.
Now, back to the God points, if you do believe in Him, your faith can definitely make great things happen. However, a Scripture that I like a lot is the Message Version of Ecclesiastes 7:18: “It’s best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it” — and the reality is sometimes what we call “standards,” if some hardcore facts and truth aren’t added in, they could lean into becoming semi-serious delusions if we’re all not careful.
Yeah, this isn’t one of those fairy tale kinds of pieces yet, if you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while, you know I’m not big on those anyway. This is more like a dose of reality; if you’re big on that, then keep reading. It could be the reality check that your dating life actually needs.
The Difference Between Standards and Delusion
GiphyI can’t even count how many times I’ve seen a woman on Instagram or TikTok talk about all of these things that she wants in a man, all the while claiming that they are “standards,” when actually, they sound more like unrealistic expectations or delusional thinking. Now, just so this all makes sense, let me define “standard” and “delusion” before expounding further:
Standard: a rule or principle that is used as a basis for judgment; an average or normal requirement, quality, quantity, level, grade, etc.; those morals, ethics, habits, etc., established by authority, custom, or an individual as acceptable
Delusion: a false belief or opinion; a fixed false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact.
So in order to really illustrate my point, let’s go with something on the physical tip first. Words cannot express how much I hear women say that they want a man who is at least 6’ tall, all the while calling it a “standard.” Based on what a standard actually is, how are you able to judge someone’s character or make a moral assessment about them based on their height alone? I mean, isn’t that what y’all try and push down men’s throats when it comes to women and their weight? And the thing is, height can’t be changed and isn’t a potential health risk. Know what else? Reportedly,only 15 percent of men in this country are 6’ or over.
Believe you me, I like a tall glass of chocolate oat milk (LOL) as much as the next woman. I’ll also say that most of the guys I’ve been with, on any level, have “scratched that itch” as far as 6’ and over goes. Know what else I’ll say? Tall in stature absolutely doesn’t mean tall in character, so to call height a standard when it’s really more like a preference is already semi-problematic if you’re looking for a good man. However, where it really gets tricky is if you will push a good person, someone who checks off all of your other boxes, aside simply because they are 5’9” in height. My dear, to move like that is delusional thinking — it is literally a false belief that you should overlook who is right in front of you (a fact) simply because they are a couple of inches shorter than you would like (a preference).
Let’s move beyond the physical. Say that you want a man who makes six figures. First of all, since equality is shouted out on the regular in these media streets, is that what you clear after taxes? What’s your own credit score? How much money do you have up in your savings account? Have you even thought about why 'six figures' matters so much? Could it be because you’ve allowed the media (especially social media) to program you into thinking that it’s the only way a man can be a good provider?
Whatever the reason may be, if you call a six-figure earner your standard when you’re not that yourself, couldn’t it be argued that you are a bit on the delusional side? I mean, because, real talk, the facts are that most men reach their peak earning years in their early 50s (check that outhere andhere), andonly 18 percent of individuals earn more than six figures; not only that, but those who do make that kind of money (unless it’s high six-figures) tend to live paycheck-to-paycheck just like everyone else.Not only that but the reality is Black men in America who are between 40-49 earn $41,600 (on average) while Black men in America between 50-59 earn around $51,000. If you’re going to bring facts and stats into the mix, the truth of the matter is it’s delusional for every woman to think that she’s going to get a six-figure earner and even more delusional to require what she, herself, is not.
If you put both examples (height and earnings) together, a STANDARD says that you want to be with someone who you are attracted to and who will be a consistent provider of the things that you need. DELUSION says, “I’m not even all of the things that I want yet in spite of what reality says, I’m going to ignore people who have 80 percent of what I’m looking for because I want a Prince Charming [who also isn’t real] to fall into my lap.”
Honestly, as triggering as the dating delusion calendar may be for a lot of people, that’s basically what it’s saying: that folks are coming up with a wish list like kids do for Christmas, believing that they can have it all — whether it even really makes a lot of sense or is rooted in reality or not. And then folks have the nerve to think that if they do factor reality into it all, somehow, they are settling. Amazing. Absolutely amazing.
Settling for less shouldn’t be about shallow things. Settling for less should be about convincing yourself that shallow things matter more than having a solid man who profoundly cares about you and who complements your life. Straight up.
Flexibility: The Key to Handling the Dating Game
GiphySo, what are you saying, Shellie? That I should marry some tiny guy who’s broke because that’s realistic? Listen, if that is what you choose to get out of ALL that I just said, then you are indeed choosing to do that. No, my points are as follows:
Make sure that you know the difference between a standard and a preference. Then make sure that your standards come before your preferences. If you meet an awesome man who adores you and is on the same page as you are as far as the future goes, to give him up for shallow reasons like he’s not 6’3” or making $125,000 a year is a delusional form of thinking. You already know what the stats say about finding that kind of guy (who is single); not only that but what do you expect to be the shelf life of a shallow set of desires? Ask some divorced folks you know who are willing to admit that they didn’t heed this kind of advice where it got them — and what they wish they had done differently.
Don’t demand that others be what you aren’t. Yeah, it’s mighty funny to me how folks will just toss 'six figures' and 'owning a home' out there like it’s nothing — only to find out that they barely make $50,000 and are hustling to pay rent for their apartment in the process. I’m telling you, nothing will humble you and get you out of your own dating delusions like striving to be the kind of person you want to date (check out “Before You Talk About What You 'Deserve'...Do You Know What That Even Means?”).
BE. FLEXIBLE. As I’m in the process of penning this third book of mine, it has caused me to take a few walks down memory lane. As I happened upon the Chicago Tribunedeath announcement of my late fiancé (whom I had never seen before this year), it got me to thinking about how much I would’ve missed out on (both while he was here and via the lessons that our relationship continues to teach me almost 30 years later) had I been INFLEXIBLE. Damien was a bit shorter (although still cleared 6’ — LOL), lighter, and a few other “ers” different than I was accustomed to, and sadly, I wasted a lot of our precious time by giving him quite a bit of initial pushback because of it.
Around the last 16 months of his life, I became less rigid and it was a true blessing…a billion times over. You know, it is the popular (and sometimes controversial) life coach Tony Robbins who once said, “Stay committed in your decisions, flexible in your approach” and no greater words have been spoken when it comes to dating.
Flexibility is about being open to 5’9” over 6’ (especially when you’re barely 5’5” yourself). Flexibility is about preferring an ambitious guy over a wealthy one. Flexibility is about dating the introvert to see if he balances out your extroverted qualities (someone needed to hear that). Flexibility is about being mature enough to know that if you can get the most important things from your list in a guy, you can compromise on the rest.
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When I first happened upon what is known asthe dating delusion calculator for the first time, two sentences in the first paragraph are what made me even take it semi-seriously: “Are your romantic expectations in line with reality?” and “Using data from the US Census Bureau and the US CDC, we'll tell you if your expectations are reasonable and give you clarity in your quest for love.”
As I close all of this out, let me just say, for the record, that there is nothing wrong with wanting what you want. Demanding it without really getting real about it, though — that can end up working against you. Delusional thinking tends to do that. So, whatever it is that you want in a partner, just make sure that you are putting standards above preferences and factoring in reality to the mix. Oh, and that you are flexible in your approach. You’d be amazed where those three dating tweaks will get you — regardless of the 50 things on your list or what a calculator ultimately says. TRUST ME.
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When I spoke to my doctor (at the time) about it, he was like, “I mean…yeah.” In fact, he was so nonchalant that I almost felt ridiculous even bringing it up. Then, when he went on to explain that easilyover 50-60 percent of women experience some level of breast unevenness, that is what made me pretty much immediately take on the same attitude that he did.
That’s me, though. I’m not gonna assume that every woman who deals with asymmetrical breasts is automatically super cool with it — because it’s not like it’s a subject that is openly discussed a ton. So, if you happen to be a part of this particular club and, although you know that you have to accept it, you also know that you haven’t totally made peace with it…I’m hoping that by the time that you’re done reading this, you will have.
Because breasts are beautiful — no matter what “package” they come in. Straight up.
What Causes Uneven Breasts?
GiphySo, let’s begin with what is probably the first thing that you’re curious about: What causes uneven breasts to begin with? Honestly, it’s not just one thing. Asymmetrical breasts can be due to something as simple as shifts in hormones, pregnancy, breastfeeding (especially if your baby happens to prefer one breast over the other), drastic shifts in weight, or even good old-fashioned aging.
It also should go on record that when it comes to the parts of your body that “come in twos,” very rarely are they identical in size and shape: eyes, eyebrows, hands, feet…you get it. So, even people who think that their breasts are “identical twins,” that may not exactly be the case at all. Not really…not (pardon the pun) fully.
Anyway, talking to your healthcare provider can help you get to the root of whether any of these things are indeed the cause and if there is anything that can be done about it.
Okay, but what are some not-so-simple reasons that can cause your breasts to be uneven? One condition is known asbreast hypoplasia; it’s when you’re not able to produce enough glandular tissue to produce breast milk or for your breasts to look completely even. If your breasts have been uneven for about as long as you can remember, there’s a slight chance that you may have experiencedjuvenile (also known as virginal) hypertrophy during puberty; it’s what happens when your breasts grow so rapidly during adolescence that one may have gotten larger than the other.
We also can’t overlook things like a breast infection or even breast cancer (some additional signs of it include dimpling of your breasts, nipple discharge [that isn’t breast milk], breast swelling, and pain [that isn’t due to your cycle] and swollen lymph nodes that are underneath your arms or near your collarbone) as well. There are also a few rare conditions that can create uneven breasts (you can read more about themhere).
Bottom line, if your breasts have only recently made a noticeable shift, it’s important to let your physician know. Again, although there is nothing wrong with having uneven breasts as far as appearances go if they are connected to an underlying health issue, you need to find that out just as soon as you possibly can.
What Can Be Done About Uneven Breasts?
GiphyOkay, so what if it checks out that your breasts are healthy and your uneven breasts are all about something natural like hormonal shifts, pregnancy, or weight changes? Is there anything that you can do? For starters, there are procedures likelipofilling (which transfers fat from one part of your body to another),mastopexy (which is basically a breast lift), or getting breast implants. Sometimes, what women will opt to do is get a breast reduction in order to even out their breasts. The main thing to keep in mind with all of these options is while some are far less invasive than others, they are surgical and also not exactly the cheapest routes to take.
With all of that out of the way, is there anything that you can do from the comfort, convenience, and privacy of your own home? Yep, there is. Several things, actually.
Exercise. Whether your breasts are uneven or just not as firm as they used to be, getting your pectoral muscles in shape can help to make your breasts appear more even and youthful. Check out Women’s Health’s “The 20 Best Chest Exercises To Add To Your Upper-Body Workouts, According To A Trainer” for some solid workout tips.
Breast massage. Aside from the fact that giving yourself abreast massage can help with early detection if you happen to feel a lump or mass, it can also help to cultivate more elasticity, reduce the appearance of breast marks, and if you massage the smaller breast more, if that one is only slightly smaller than your larger one, it could cause your breasts to become more even-looking.
Bra shopping. It’s kinda wild that, with all of the intel that’s in the internet streets,80 percent of women are STILL wearing the wrong bra size (get fitted, ladies). On top of that, there is absolutely no telling how many avoid the rule that you should get 4-6 new bras every 12 months or so. As a sis with big breasts (check out “Here Are Some Breast Care Tips For Women In The 'Over D-Cup' Club”), although it took me a hot minute, I finally found a bra brand that I really like: Wacoal. They sell bras that don’t have that 90s Madonna cone-shaped look (the real ones know). Anyway, they have certain bras that are designed for asymmetrical breasts (several bra brands do). If you’d like to check some of their options out, clickhere.
Watch your estrogen consumption. I think it’s interesting that while some media likes to downplay how diet affects breasts,there are scientific studies that literally say things like, “Breast cancer is strongly associated with estrogens.” Know whatanother article on estrogen and breasts said? “Although there are no large clinical studies that support the use of bee pollen for breast growth, a diet containing phytoestrogens ― a compound derived from plants that can be found in bee pollen ― can mimic estrogen.” — and yes, estrogen can cause your breasts to grow. So, make sure to consume phytoestrogens in moderation, especially if you’re trying to (naturally) get your breast size under control.Some of those types of foods include soy, peaches, garlic, dried fruits, and flax seeds.
Peep some of your habits. Believe it or not, you might not have asymmetrical breasts so much as one breast is fuller than the other due to things like sleeping on your stomach or only one side (all of the time), having bad posture, and even constantly plucking ingrown hairs around your nipples (because that could lead to inflammation). So, if you do any of these things, before trying anything else, stop these habits and see if you notice some changes.
Remember: There Is Absolutely Nothing to Be Ashamed Of. AT ALL.
GiphyMany of our body parts are “sisters” not “twins;” I can’t recall where I first heard that saying yet it’s definitely the truth. I like my right eyebrow more than my left. Definitely my left foot is larger than my right. Don’t even get me started on howthe left side of my hair is thicker and grows faster than my right. Chile, what can I do but make peace with it?
Same thing goes for my left breast being bigger than my right one. In a perfect world, would I want my breasts to be as even as possible? Probably. Yet, I recently wrote an article for the platform entitled, “When It Comes To Your Life, Please Aim For GOOD. Never PERFECT.” so how much of a hypocrite would I be if I didn’t follow my own advice? And besides, they are still pretty full-looking, they’re healthy, and they still get stares from both men and women (LOL) — what’s to complain about or be ashamed of? Not one damn thing.
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Again, if you’re someone who (also) has some form of asymmetry when it comes to your breasts, give yourself and your girls some grace. You’re not abnormal and it’s simply something that makes you — YOU. And anything that emphasizes that? Why not celebrate it? Amen? AMEN, chile.
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Although some of this depends on how often you wear a suit and how well you take care of it, if you keep one for a couple of years, not only could it end up not fitting you very well, like the wear and tear of panties can end up not protecting your vulva and vagina as well as it should, the same goes for a bathing suit.
And that got me to thinking that since it is officially swimsuit season now, it would probably be a good idea to run down some rules for engagement as far as your suit and your vagina (and vulva, which is the outer part of your vagina) go. And so, if you’ve got a sec, I’ve got 10 hacks to keep in mind.
1. Remove Hair No Less than 24 Hours Before Getting into the Water
GiphyMy waxer tickles me and also grosses me out, every year, around this time. The reason? Swimsuit season. The gross-out factor? Hearing what happens when people roll in for appointments right before a summer holiday or vacation, only to (sometimes) come back with a nasty rash or hella irritated skin. The cause? Thinking that they can get hair removed and then get into the water (other than their own bathtub) on the same day. Why is this a big deal?
Because, as much as most of us probably don’t want to think about it, pools and oceans (and especially Jacuzzis) house germs, and when you get hair removed from your body, your pores become especially susceptible to them while they are open. And so,although some skin experts state that you should wait a few days to swim after removing body hair, my waxer says 24 hours is pretty solid, so long as your skin isn’t super sensitive or you don’t notice any irritation prior to getting into the water. Just make sure that you do wait a day, though. It’s worth the precaution.
2. Consider Putting a “Barrier” into Your Vagina
GiphyThat same (potentially) dirty water that can bother your skin can also irritate your vagina if you’re not careful. So, if you plan on being in the water for hours on end, something else that you might want to do is put in a “swimming tampon” or a menstrual cup — even if you’re not on your period. As unconventional as it might sound, it can help to keep the water from lodging up in your vagina and throwing off your pH balance. And well, the more your pH remains stabilized, the less you’ll have to worry about getting some type of infection later down the pike.
P.S. If you are a tampon user, make sure to go with an organic brand. More and more studies are coming out that certain popular tampons contain things like arsenic and lead in them. You can read more about that here.
3. Apply a Water-Free Moisturizer
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that you can spend time in the water and it could still dry you out. That’s because swimming pools containchlorine, which contains drying chemicals. Know what else can dry out your skin (including your vulva)?Ocean water (due to the salt that it contains). So, if you want to maintain a healthy amount of moisture around your vulva, apply a water-free moisturizer before getting into any water (you can check out a list of somehere); that way, you can be sure that the moisturizer you apply will not literally wash away as soon as you go swimming.
4. Shower Before and After Getting Out of the Pool
GiphySpeaking of what pools and ocean water can do to your va-jay-jay, another proactive way to keep them from bothering your vulva and vagina (too much) is to shower before getting into the water and immediately after getting out of it. Not only will that help the chemicals in swimming water to be more effective (protection-wise), but it can also remove the impurities that may be on your body (like sweat and small amounts of fecal matter), so that they don’t mix in with the water and irritate your genitalia later on.
5. Get Out of Swimwear As Soon As Possible
GiphyIt’s pretty common for a lot of us to get out of the water and allow the combination of heat and air to air dry our suits. The problem with that is that the hot weather and moisture of the fabric can create the “perfect storm” as far as a potential yeast infection is concerned. That’s why it’s always a wise move to get out of your swimsuit as soon as you’re done swimming. Your vagina will thank you. Trust me.
6. Give Your Vagina Its Own (Dry) Towel
GiphyIf you’re someone who really likes to be on the safe side as far as vaginal health is concerned, you should probably bring along a hand towel that will serve as a drying tool for your vagina. Listen, the cleaner and drier the fabric is that touches that part of your body, the better. There's not much more to say on this point than that. Moving on.
7. Wash Your Swimsuit After Each (and Every) Use
GiphyWhile certain folks say that you should only be concerned with washing your swimsuit after every wear if you’ve been in water that contains no chlorine, is ocean water (i.e., salt water), or if you’ve been lying out (and sweating) for a long period of time, I’m personally gonna advise that you wash that bad boy after every use. Your vaginal discharge alone is enough of a reason to treat your swimsuit basically like it’s underwear as far as proper hygiene goes — and would you go a couple of wears with the same drawers? Please say that you wouldn’t. LAWD.
8. Keep Some Pure Aloe Vera on Tap
GiphyI don’t know if y’all caught it or not, but last year, (supposedly) one of the biggest summer fashion trends was what is called the “Vagina G-string.” Basically, it’s a bikini with a bottom that has nothing but strings other than a teeny piece of fabric to cover your vulva up. In my mind, all I could imagine was extreme discomfort, in partdue to chafing. Chafing is basically what happens when things like friction can irritate your skin to the point where you may end up with a rash, some really dry or flaking skin, and/or an itchy and/or burning sensation.
Since everything from exercise and body weight to weather and clothing (including bathing suits) can cause chafing, it’s a good idea to 1) pick a bathing suit that fits the lower part of your body comfortably and 2) have some pure aloe vera gel around. Not only can it help to immediately soothe chafed skin, but it can also speed up the healing process if you happen to end up with some.
9. Beach Sex? Eh. Not So Much.
GiphyI once read that around 30 percent of folks have had sex on the beach. Uh-huh. As romantic as that might sound (to some of y’all), all I can think about is the hot-ass-prickly sand that could potentially get all up into my vagina. Yeah, no thanks. And listen, even if you try and pull a Beyoncé-Drunk-in-Love move and pull your swimsuit bottoms to the side, that doesn’t mean that you still won’t end up pissing your va-jay-jay off with said sand.
Hell, don’t take my word for it; even major news sites likeUS Health News says that sand “…can be difficult to remove and become a breeding ground for bacteria, yeast and other things that prime the vagina for infection.” So, take that to a private deck if you must be outside. Oh, and if the plan is to be in the water, apply some silicone-based lube first. Water-based lubricants are ineffective in actual water.
10. P.S. Yes, There Is Such a Thing As Period Swimwear
GiphyFinal point. If your period happens to be on the heavier side (especially during the first couple of days of your cycle) and you’ve got a vacation coming up that you can’t reschedule, don’t feel like you have to sit along the side of the pool or ocean and watch everyone else have all of the fun. Just like there are panties that are customized for periods, there is swimwear that also fits the bill. If you go to your favorite search engine and put “period swimwear” in the search field, you’ll see a variety of companies that carry really cute swimsuits for when it’s “that time of the month.” In fact, a good starting point would be Good Housekeeping’s “The Best Period Swimwear of 2024, Tested and Reviewed by Experts.”
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You know,according to NASA, 2023 was the hottest summer that we’ve had in about 2,000 years, and yet, already, it feels like 2024 is gonna straight-up rival it. So, if spending a lot of time in pools or at beaches is at the top of your to-do list, now you know how to keep your vagina in good condition — as you turn heads in that fly-ass swimsuit of yours.
Have fun. Be safe. Take care of you…and her. #wink
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When it comes to the human body, specifically, the intel is endless — and that is one part of what inspired me to pen this piece. Another was a friend of mine who was H-O-T when she went to put on a couple of her favorite pumps while she was recently on vacation, only for them not to fit: “I mean, I’ve gained some weight, but DAMN. What does that have to do with my feet?!”
As you’re about to see, you might be as surprised as she was when I shared a lil’ tidbit that I learned along life’s way about what weight and toes have in common. So, if you’ve ever driven down the street one day and wondered if your own feet can gain weight, I have the answer to that and 11 other, at least semi-interesting things (in my opinion) that you can bring up in the water cooler convos tomorrow.
1. Your Brain Is Fat
GiphyThe next time you get a text in the middle of the night from a throwback and all he says is, “Hey Big Head…”, reply “You’re right,” turn over and go back to sleep. LOL. The reality is all of us have a “fat head” because our brain is literally made up of60 percent fat. The more you know, right? Moving on.
2. Feet Can Gain Weight
GiphyIf you’ve recently gained weight and it’s got your shoes fitting funny, there is a connection there. Although your feet technically may not gain enough weight for you to notice (unless you’ve put on a significant amount), extra pounds can start toput pressure on your feet’s ligaments and tendons, which can cause them to expand. So, if you like your shoe collection and you don’t want to go up a size, you just got another motivator to keep your weight under control.
3. Earwax Isn’t Exactly Wax
GiphyAs gross as earwax may seem, it does serve a few different purposes — it creates a waterproof lining for your ears, collects dirt and debris, helps to remove dead skin cells, keeps your ears from drying out, and helps to decrease the chances of you ending up with some sort of ear infection. Thing is, though,earwax isn’t exactly wax. Although it does hold the same consistency as that type of substance (which is why it has that name), earwax is actually made up of sebum, keratin, cholesterol, fatty acids, sweat,an oily compound called squalene, along with a few other things.
Another thing to keep in mind is it varies in color from off-white to dark brown. Just be on the lookout for green, brown with red in it, or black; those could be a sign of infection or some sort of blockage.
4. Breast Size Is Hereditary. Breast Sagging Is Inevitable.
GiphyI can always tell when it’s been at least 15 years since I’ve seen someone because, whether they are as direct as I tend to be or they don’t know how to keep a “screen saver” over their facial expressions, they will make some sort of reference to the shift in my breast size. I mean, I probably would too if I were them, considering the fact that, in my 30s, I was a “high C,” and once my late 30s-early 40s hit, I transitioned to what ultimately became a 38H. From what I’ve been told, I get it from the women on my father’s side of the family because biggums-in-their-30s is how they all seem to get down. And you know what?
Whatever your breast size is, heredity has a ton to do with it for you as well. For better or for worse, it’s pretty unavoidable.
Know what else is? The fact that, eventually, your breasts are going to sag on some level is nothing that you can get away from either (short of cosmetic surgery, that is). From the drop in collagen and estrogen over time and hormonal fluctuations to the (potentially) drastic changes in breast size before, during, and after pregnancy and good old-fashioned age and gravity — saggy breasts are a natural part of life.
However, keeping your weight at a healthy and consistent level, getting your hormones checked (especially as you get older), wearing the right size bra (so that you can get proper support), and doing pectoral muscles can all help in that department. Just don’t be super hard on yourself. Again, sagging breasts are a part of all of our futures — and that’s okay.
5. Nipples and Ladybugs Have Something in Common
GiphyOkay, so from what I’ve read and researched, there are approximatelyeight types of nipples: puffy, protruding, flat, inverted, bumpy, hairy, supernumerary (which means more than two of them on a human individual), and then no nipples at all. And when it comes to height, I thought it was interesting that many nipples are aboutas tall as a ladybug. I mean, it’s not life-altering info or anything, but still, it might be something that could cause you to win a Jeopardy challenge, should one happen to arise…someday. #Elmoshrug
6. Your Skin Weighs More than You Think
GiphyI’m pretty sure you learned in somebody’s science class back in the day that your skin is the largest organ that you have. Have you ever wondered how much it weighs, though? According to scientific research, it sits at around 16 percent of your total body weight. Not only that, but every square inch of your skin has around 19 million cells and 300 sweat glands, and it sheds about nine pounds of dead skin cells a year. Honey, if that ain’t enough intel to inspire you to come up with a consistent skincare routine, I don’t know what will!
7. Ears and Noses Grow with Age. Kind Of.
GiphyIf you’ve heard somewhere thatears and noses grow the older that we become, that’s kind of true. Probably the more accurate way of putting this is both of those parts of your body experience changes in cartilage and elastin (they both become weaker), and that can cause them to seem bigger. Also,sagging ear skin and larger sebum glands on your nose can play a significant role in the expansion of both things as well.
8. You’re Taller in the Morning
GiphyIf you’ve always wanted to be a bit taller than you are, the good news is that it totally is a reality for you —in the morning time. In fact, your height actually shifts slightly all throughout the day as your spine compresses and decompresses based on what you may be doing at any given time. For instance, while sitting during the day can compress your spine, lying down and sleeping throughout the night can decompress it which results in you being 1-2 centimeters taller when your feet hit the floor in the morning. Hey, it might not be noticeable yet it is indeed something.
9. Vaginas Change When You’re Horny
GiphyIt can’t be said enough — women (who say this) really need to stop thinking that they need a big package to please them because the reality is thatthe vagina averages at 4” and the first 2” are where the most intense nerve endings are housed. Can it expand to accommodate more? Absolutely. I mean, newborn babies do come out of there. However, is it required for sexual pleasure? NOPE. That average 5.5” (erect) penis that many men have? No matter what culture may tell you (and please keep in mind that culture tends to lie — A LOT), it can get the job done.
That said,science does state the vaginas tend to get deeper and also darker whenever you’re horny. Deeper to make room for (more) penetration (if you need it) and darker due to all of the blood that is rushing down there.
10. Your Heart Likes Music
GiphyMusic has the ability to profoundly impact your life in a myriad of ways.If you listen to new music, it can boost your creativity. If you listen to old music, it can jog a suppressed memory.A soothing playlist can help you to sleep more soundly. Participating in some form of music therapy can decrease anxiety, put you in a better mood, and even lower physical pain levels. Yeah, we could talk about how music is a winner all day and night; however, what I once found to be really interesting about music is certain beats (like classical ones) can actually cause your heart tosync up with them.
That’s because certain music has the ability to alter your breathing patterns (whether you realize it or not), and that can result in your heart beating in the rhythm of the music itself. Pretty cool, right?
11. Your Heart Also Never Gets Tired
GiphyThis scientific fact is like poetry. If you’re like me and you’ve experienced more heartbreak than you thought that you could stand, guess what? Your actual heart never gets tired like the rest of your muscles do. That’s right; your cardiac muscle is borderline supernaturally resilient, thanks to its cells, which are known as cardiomyocytes and are highly resistant to any form of fatigue. Something to definitely keep in mind when you feel like you can’t take it — whatever “it” — is anymore. Your heart was built to endure like nothing else, sis. Yep…quite literally.
12. You Actually Glow in the Dark (No…Really)
GiphyLet’s close out with this “for real?!” lil’ health tidbit. Before you go to sleep tonight, after the lights are turned off, look to see if your skin is glowing. Although you most likely won’t be able to see any indications of it happening, believe it or not, it is! Your body is emittingteeny-tiny amounts of light at all times; the problem is, they are so small that you actually need ultra-sensitive cameras in order to detect it. Doesn’t matter; the next time someone tells you that your skin is glowing, simply say, “You saw that, huh?” They won’t get the joke. Oh, but you will! #wink
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What I mean by that is, to this day, reportedly, onlyaround 18 percent of women are able to honestly say that they’ve been able to “see the mountaintop,” just from intercourse alone. And although I am in that number and some of it does have to do with certain “tricks of the trade” (technique, knowing your body, etc.), a lot of it has to do with how your body was made more than anything else (more on that in a second).
That’s why, wheneverthe whole topic of the orgasm gap comes up, I really wish that (more) women would stop stressing themselves out over whether they can have an orgasm vaginally or not. Because while your partner “aiming to please” is a very valid point and necessary requirement when it comes to healthy and happy copulation, if you’re basing being orgasmic on whether or not you’ve had a vaginal orgasm before, you’re really missing the point — and wasting precious time on something that isn’t nearly as big of a deal as you might think that it is (or society might try to make it out to be).
I’ll explain.
What Is a Vaginal Orgasm — and Why Is It So Difficult to Achieve?
GiphyBefore going deeper into this thing, let me just say that my reason for defining a vaginal orgasm isn’t to come off as patronizing or condescending in any way. I’m just doing it because I think that far too often, whenever the topic of orgasms even comes up, folks loop them all in together — especially vaginal vs. clitoral ones.
That being said, a vaginal orgasm is when you’re able to climax from intercourse alone. This means that you don’t need any (direct) clitoral stimulation in order for an orgasm to take place. Okay, so with that being said, why is it so challenging for so many women to have one? Well, that gets into what I said about the makeup of one’s body — which no one has any control over.
See, the reason why vaginal orgasms are fairly easy for me is that (and yes, my doctor has confirmed it) the distance between my clitoris and my vaginal opening is pretty close together — and the closer they are, the easier it is for a vaginal orgasm to go down.
And gee, when you put it this way, vaginal orgasms still kind of have a cheat code, right? Because whether or not your partner is directly stimulating your clitoris or not, if a vaginal orgasm is about “close clitoral placement,” he still kind of is relying on the clit to make it all happen— he’s just not needing to use his hands, a sex toy or you’re not needing to help him out.
Another thing to note about vaginal orgasms is the G-spot tends to play a starring role in it too. Still, since, at the end of the day, all a G-spot is, is the backside of the clitoris on the inside of your vagina, it’s still the clitoris for the win.
Hmm…sounds to me like, really, a vaginal orgasm is just a different kind of a clitoral orgasm — I mean, not exactly, but kinda…because if there was no clitoris involved at all, I highly doubt that vaginal orgasms would even exist.
NOW do you get why I say that they aren’t as big of a deal as they are made out to be? Orgasms are beyond awesome. And you shouldn’t feel bad if the one that you’re not able to make happen (possibly yet) is a vaginal one.
Let me do my best to drive this point even further home.
Okay. You Are Having Orgasms, Though…Right?
GiphyIf you read articles on our platform like “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight” and “11 Types Of Orgasms To Add To Your Must-Hit List,” you’ll get that when it comes to “climbing the walls,” there are all kinds of ways to get there. For me? Even though vaginal orgasms aren’t hard for me to experience/achieve, for whatever reason, these 38H cups of mine will almost yawn when it comes to nipple orgasms.
In other words, breasts aren’t in the top five of erogenous zones for me (check out “So, What If 'Typical Erogenous Zones' Annoy TF Outta You?” and “Feelin' On These Pressure Points Will Give You The Best Sex Of Your Life”) — and I’m okay with that. If I happen to experience an orgasm that way (which is oftentimes on a fluke), cool. As long as I know that I can get an orgasm some sort of way, I’m golden.
You’re not me; still, I do encourage you to have a similar mindset. Although it can always be fun to find different ways to achieve things like a blended orgasm (more than one orgasm happening at once) or a kissing orgasm (which is pretty self-explanatory), if you’ve ever had any type of orgasm at all — at the end of the day, that should be good enough because, no matter how the climax happened, wasn’t it pretty damn spectacular? Anything else is just…a bonus. So, why ruin the good that you’ve already got going with stress, internalized pressure, and overthinking?
Hey, I’m not exaggerating by saying that, either. There is plenty of data out in these streets (like these articleshere,here, andhere) that points to the fact that stress definitely lowers libido, hinders sexual arousal, and can ultimately get in the way of having an orgasm. So, if you’re already gettin’ yours, even if it’s the more common way (clitorally) — who cares?
Science has pretty much always said that the purpose of your clitoris is sexual pleasure…so it makes sense that it would be the main part of your body that can “get you there” (if you know what I mean). Therefore, why worry about why your vagina “can’t” when what was created to orgasm totally can?
Am I getting through?
Vaginal Orgasms Shouldn’t Be the Goal. Pleasure Should.
GiphyOkay, and what if you’re one ofthe one-third of women who reportedly have never had an orgasm before or hardly ever do? If you happen to fall into this category, that is a bit different because I understand why this would be something that you would want to say you’ve experienced, first-hand, at least a few times in this lifetime. Actually, you are the main reason why I’ve penned articles like “Can’t Climax? 10 Questions You Should Ask Yourself,” “10 Hacks To Help You Climax More Consistently,” and “Here's Why You Can Climax Sometimes And...Sometimes You Can't;” it’s because I definitely don’t want to gaslight you into thinking that orgasms aren’t one of the best things that life has to offer…because they are. No question.
At the same time, though, the same way that you can overthink about having a vaginal orgasm, that’s the same way that you can rob yourself of enjoying the pleasure of sex overall, if you think that you can’t have a great time unless you come (or always come). Just likekissing feels really good without any kind of sex being involved, the intimacy of sex is amazing even without an orgasm — and yes, I know what that is like as well. Do orgasms come pretty easily for me? Yes.
Still, “off nights” happen, and that doesn’t mean that the rest of the sexual experience still wasn’t satisfying. Indeed and I promise you that the more you make the goal to simply embrace the closeness of relishing your partner as they do the same thing to, for, and with you, the more you can fully appreciate sex…even if it doesn’t end in fireworks. Besides, if one thing is the epitome of, “At least we had a really great time trying,” it’s having sex even if orgasms don’t transpire (by the way, if you really are not at peace with not having orgasms, start with getting your hormone levels checked, then consider seeing a sex therapist — it may be physical or psychologically-based. It can never hurt to get checked out to see).
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Bottom line here: your vagina wasn’t designed just for your sexual pleasure alone (remember, babies come out of there). Know what is, though? Your clitoris. If it’s working and getting the job done (however it happens), that really needs to be good enough. If a vaginal orgasm happens along the way — great. If not, it’s still all good. And I do mean that literally.
Any kind of orgasm is a wonderful thing.
Get it how you live and take the pressure off, sis.
Now…go get you one. However it…cums.
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