ALBANY, NY—In the wake of damning revelations concerning the New York governor’s sexual misconduct, an increasingly desperate Andrew Cuomo attempted to shift media focus back onto the nursing home deaths caused by his administration at a Wednesday press conference. “Of course, I appreciate the concern about these women’s allegations, but let’s not forget that I made a concerted effort to cover up the deaths of 9,250 seniors who died because of my negligence—that’s really what we should be talking about, right?” said a visibly panicked Cuomo, who proceeded to deflect several reporter’s questions by cuing up a slideshow featuring pictures of the doctored documents and his rescinded statewide order demanding nursing homes accept elderly patients carrying the coronavirus or else face legal consequences. “Let’s look at the facts here: I sent throngs of sick senior citizens into New York nursing homes. That’s a terrible decision. Then I cooked the books so that no one knew the toll of my incompetence. Insane, huh? That’s front page, above-the-fold news that’ll last dozens of news cycles, if I’ve ever heard it. I don’t know, guys. Maybe focus on that.” At press time, the embattled governor announced that he was also an open book if any reporters wanted to talk about the corruption allegations against him.