Your Queer Weekly Horoscope: April 1-7

Welcome to your Queer Weekly Horoscope, a bite-sized look at the coming days broken down by your zodiac sign.

Prepare for mayhem! On April 1, Mercury turns retrograde and wreaks havoc on communication —and sadly, that is not an April Fool’s joke. But despite the chaos, major life developments are still underway this week. The Sun’s conjunction with the North Node leads most of the zodiac determinedly into the future. Desire-inspiring Venus begins the week in Pisces, where it passes through an intuitive partnership with Neptune. Then Venus joins the Sun in Aries, where it forms a pact of metamorphosis with Pluto. Meanwhile, the Last Quarter Moon in Capricorn starts emotionally preparing everyone for next week’s total solar eclipse.

Aries starts the race for this weekly horoscope, then we’ll sprint through each sign until everyone’s destiny is foretold. If you know more of your placements than your Sun Sign alone (Moon, Rising, Mars, etc.), check their entries as well to get a full picture of your astrological forecast.

• The Sun, Mercury, Chiron, and the North Node are in your sign. Your ruler Mars is in Pisces.
• On April Fool’s Day, Mercury turns retrograde.
• The Sun passes through conjunction with the North Node.
• Venus moves from Pisces to your sign. Venus forms a sextile with Pluto.
• The waning crescent Moon in your sign forms a sextile with Pluto and passes through conjunction with Venus.

April Fool’s Day is going to progress totally peacefully and uneventfully … hahaha, psych! The morning of April 1 is fine, but by evening Mercury turns retrograde. If you’re planning any silly pranks, make sure you pull them in the A.M. in order to avoid breakups and burnt bridges. Whatever the outcome, you’re launching to a new stage of life later this week when the Sun joins forces with the North Node of destiny! Here’s hoping this celestial collaboration will lead to the self-discovery you want; it’s certainly going to slap you in the face with awareness that will significantly affect your future. But even if it’s not what you expected, the knowledge will still be valuable. Afterward, the planet of desire swings into your sign and sparks off a friendly but intense hook-up with the astrological representative of major life change, and the Moon cruises in close to watch and cheer from the sidelines. You’re going to yearn for something new from the very bottom of your heart, immediately after experiencing an epiphany about your future, while interpersonal communication systems are malfunctioning on all levels.

Wheee, now this is an Aries season! Where’s the fun in life without a little danger? Maybe there will even be a few explosions…

• Jupiter and Uranus are in your sign.
• Your sign ruler Venus begins the week in Pisces, where it passes through conjunction with Neptune.
• Venus moves from Pisces to Aries, then forms a sextile with Pluto.

Wow, you just love surprises. The sudden, drastic reversal of expectations? You just can’t get enough of it! APRIL FOOL’S! (About the you-loving-surprises part, that is.) The threat of incoming change is unfortunately legitimate, but you’ll have a sixth sense that it’s about to get you before it leaps out from around the corner for a jump scare. If you want to feel prepared for what lies ahead, take time to hang out with a Pisces early in the week. They won’t know how they’re helping you or even realize that they are warning you, but trust me, it will still work. Even five minutes in a Fish Sign’s presence will help you sniff out the source of your looming shift in fate.

Annoyingly, by the time your change in circumstances finally does arrive, you’ll realize that you actually like it. How undignified, ugh! You’re still allowed to complain as much as you want; it’s an important part of the process.

• Your sign ruler Mercury is in Aries.
• On April Fool’s Day, Mercury turns retrograde.

Your sign ruler is Mercury, arbiter of communication. On April 1, Mercury’s orbit pivots retrograde from the perspective of Earth, wreaking astrological havoc upon every moment of human interaction for the next three weeks. Sorry to everyone, but that timing is funny.

I’ve never really thought about the planets in order of humor before. Mercury is probably the funniest, if also a little mean. It makes sure to boss around both you and uptight Virgo, just so it can be certain it’s upsetting someone at any given time. Uranus is also funny, but in that unsettling way where it would pronounce its own name in an exaggerated accent while holding your gaze in a long deadpan stare, and then it would think less of you forever if you cracked and laughed. Anyway! Mercury retrograde: you’re so familiar with the drill, you could handle this waking nightmare in your sleep. Might as well enjoy some amusement over the messiness!

• Your sign ruler the Moon travels through Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces, and Aries.
• The Moon strikes Last Quarter phase in Capricorn.
• The Moon reaches the closest point of its orbit around Earth in Aries.

April Fool’s Day is a wild tradition. To enjoy the “holiday,” you must be someone who revels in mayhem and deceit. Otherwise, it’s an odd spiky day full of fear. On April Fool’s Day, we are all reality TV contestants in the great game of life. Truly horrible! And yet compelling.

You’re a Cancer, so you’ve probably read through all of the other signs’ weekly entries that supposedly don’t apply to you and are already well aware of the score. Mercury is retrograde and communication is borked! Nonetheless, people are still either finding or frustrated by their destiny, perhaps in part because of crossed attempts at understanding. That’s the usual routine of human experience, but this time the dial is turned up to 13.

In the midst of all this, you’re thriving. You’re building up to an indescribably huge new beginning next week, and you don’t really give a shit if you feel awkward for a few moments in the run-up. That’s where you’re at now: in pump-up mode, with the tempo of your favorite song speeding up and your heart beating ever faster in preparation for action.

• Your sign ruler the Sun is in Aries.
• The Sun passes through conjunction with the North Node.

You’re too busy with sudden-onset self-enlightenment to pay much attention to Mercury retrograde. Hell, a Mercury retrograde-inspired miscommunication might actually spark off a radical realization about your destiny! When your sign ruler the Sun lines up with the North Node of fate, you'll experience one of those rare, unmistakable instances when you're suddenly certain of what you need to do, though you're not quite sure why. You might start a job, a relationship, an apartment rearrangement, or you might pick up your bag and walk out the door, never to return. However it goes, it's one of those times when you'll just know it in your bones. Ignore anybody else — even yourself! — who tries to cast doubt on your assurance.

• Lilith is in your sign. Your ruler Mercury is in Aries.
• On April Fool’s Day, Mercury turns retrograde.

Other signs are experiencing personal revelations this week, making important decisions for the future and emotionally preparing for new beginnings with the coming solar eclipse. You, on the other hand, should lock all your doors and hide.

Shadow ruler Lilith is still camping out in your sign, casting an ominous defensive glare around your perimeter at all times. On April 1, your sign ruler Mercury turns retrograde and embarks on a screaming rampage of destruction over communication and technology for the next three weeks. This is not a good combination! It ain’t safe for you out here in these astrological streets. Or rather, it isn’t safe for everyone else if you venture outside right now. Somebody will say something messed up, Lilith will come raging out to violently protect you from the perceived “threat,” and you’ll find yourself at red-alert risk of going off. We’re talking about salting-the-earth rage.

Seriously, keep an eye on yourself this week. Spend time alone when possible. Take a deep breath and count to 10 before reacting to anything. Sometimes friendships end, and sometimes breakups need to happen, but relationship severance should be your choice, not a haphazard consequence of miscommunication.

• The South Node is in your sign.
• Your sign ruler Venus begins the week in Pisces, where it passes through conjunction with Neptune.
• The Sun opposes the South Node.
• Venus moves from Pisces to Aries, then forms a sextile with Pluto.

Oof, go ahead and prep a heating pad for a deep, awful ache in your gut. At the same time, keep a journal close by to record your most maudlin regrets. The South Node’s companionship hurts, but it’ll leave you with plenty of artistic inspiration to deploy when it finally moves over to Virgo.

This week is tough, because you start out with a whole-soul understanding of an important desire you need to satisfy, but you… Just. Can’t. Get. There. Not yet! It feels like sprinting in a vat of Jell-O, and not in a sexy way. It’s a bit like those nightmares where you’re running in slow motion with lead feet, but instead of fleeing from danger, you’re chasing a future that never gets closer. It’s frustrating in a way that hurts. It really sucks, and I sympathize. I wouldn’t understand if my Sun sign Scorpio hadn’t hosted the South Node immediately before y’all, and I dislike it immensely on your behalf.

But there is hope yet to come! Near the end of the week, a new and different longing springs up in your heart. It’ll still be a while before you’ll be able to reach it, but you will get there eventually.

• Your sign ruler Pluto is in Aquarius.
• Venus forms a sextile with Pluto.

Everyone else is having communication problems, and yeah, that affects you too… but mostly you’re just floating around in your own little bubble, being weird. How badly can miscommunication really hurt you when every interaction with another person already feels like first contact with an alien entity? Can you even tell if someone is trying to insult you when you can’t understand a single word of their language? Yes, of course you can tell, you’re a Scorpio! But it’s hard to feel bothered when you know the meanness simply stems from a lack of understanding. You of all people know the other party could never be as cutting as you can be, if you really want to wound someone.

Also, heads up: You’re likely to get horny at the end of the week. Try to remember that other people are real entities with their own feelings while you go about pursuing your wants.

• Your sign ruler Jupiter is in Taurus.

Damn, life has been life-ing so hard that I can’t immediately remember what I’ve written to y’all lately. I know Sag has been existing amid a dearth of certainty. All of the celestial bigwigs have been hanging out in distant parts of the zodiac wheel and leaving you unsupervised, which is dangerous for you. Sagittarians hate to be bored, and you have a propensity for causing chaos when you’re stuck in a situation that feels too stagnant. Unfortunately, you don’t get to enjoy the luxury of a little harmless mischief when the rest of the zodiac is actively dashing around in a state of distress. Jokes will be perceived as insults, and pranks will be defensively repelled as threats. Just don’t meddle! Enjoy the company of your own bizarre brain at present, or seek out companionship with a particularly spacey Scorpio. Nobody else is operating in the correct headspace to deal with you at the moment.

• Your sign ruler Saturn is in Pisces.
• The Last Quarter Moon in your sign squares off against the Sun and Mercury; forms sextiles with Mars, Saturn, Venus, and Neptune; and creates trines with Jupiter and Uranus.

Usually the Last Quarter Moon gives off a winding-down, heading for the end of the lunar cycle kind of vibe. Not this time! We’re headed for a major solar eclipse. (More on that in next week’s horoscope.) You are fortunate to host a strangely benevolent Moon this week, putting you in a good mood while others are experiencing dramatic epiphanies and/or melting down around you.

In the meantime, you will follow a seven-step agenda of:

1. a boost of energy
2. a brief, late-night moment of self-doubt
3. a sudden determination to impose order on your life
4. a stroke of luck
5. a “wow, that was weird” interlude
6. a “gross, why are people trying to talk to me?” hour
7. a return of your aspirations

To cap it all off, you’ll experience a few moments in the middle of the night when you’ll feel as if you’ve finally grasped the solution to everything. It won’t last, but still. That’s basically a better Moon than pretty much anybody ever gets to enjoy, and you don’t even really like emotions.

• Pluto is in your sign. Your ruler Uranus is in Taurus.
• The waning crescent Moon in your sign passes through conjunction with Pluto; forms sextiles with the Sun and Mercury; and squares off against Jupiter and Uranus.
• Venus forms a sextile with Pluto.

The Moon swings out of a pretty sweet round with Capricorn prepared to treat you pretty nicely, too. Yeah, you’re going to feel a prickle of discomfort with your own identity, as you have and will for a couple more years to come, but you don’t care. You’re here for change — a huge, sweeping leap to another plane of existence. Best of luck in your journey! You deserve it. Grab your chosen few people and travel far away from mundanity.

• Venus, Mars, Saturn, and your ruler Neptune are in your sign.
• Venus passes through conjunction with Neptune. Then, Venus leaves your sign and moves to Aries.
• The waning crescent Moon in your sign passes through conjunction with Mars, Saturn, and Neptune; and forms sextiles with Jupiter and Uranus.

You have precisely zero interaction with Pluto this week, but you’re still somehow managing to pull off what can only be described as a Scorpion-ic feat of ending and resurrection. (Scorpios would be screaming, crying, and throwing up about it, if they weren’t totally fixated on examining the whorls on their own thumbs ever since Pluto moved to Aquarius.)

This week, you have a big embodied realization of the desire that will drive your future. Then you start having feelings about that epiphany, and the emotions are all pleasant, and productive, even slightly lucky. What the hell?! Mercury is retrograde, so what is happening with you right now Don’t put too much stock in conversations with other people at the moment; they’ll misunderstand you and that won’t feel good. But otherwise, your week is set to be pretty great. Have fun chilling out inside of your own soul.

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