Deborah James has said she is angry at the fact she is terminally ill, and scared of dying.
The campaigner, 40, who was diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2016 and has documented her experiences since on social media, revealed that in the weeks since moving to end-of-life care she keeps “shouting at people and pushing them away”.
In a poignant interview with the Sun, in which she called death “life’s last taboo”, James also said she had decided not to see close friends and to only spend time with family.
The mother of two announced nearly a month ago that she had stopped treatment and would receive end-of-life care at her parents’ home in Woking, Surrey.
She was given days to a week to live when she left hospital, after doctors told her nothing more could be done to treat her cancer.
Describing how she has felt since, she said: “Dying is really hard. I’ve been consumed by anger this week, in all honesty, I’ve been a real bitch. I’m still doing this my way. I’m frustrated with my situation because I don’t want to die. I don’t think I will ever really accept it.”
James, who received a damehood from the Duke of Cambridge last month, has raised more than £6.6m for Cancer Research UK, Bowel Cancer UK and the Royal Marsden Cancer Charity through her Bowelbabe fund on Just Giving.
The podcaster set herself an initial target of £250,000 and has received donations from a huge number of supporters.
She said she still found joy in doing things such as helping her family cook – despite no longer eating much herself – and getting dressed and putting on makeup each morning.
One of her favourite things to do with her daughter Eloise, 12, and son Hugo, 14, is reading letters from supporters and wellwishers.
“I’m scared because I don’t know what to expect,” she said. “It’s a really scary thing to face, I’m only 40, and it’s heartbreaking knowing what I am leaving behind. What’s really hard is that no one talks about death. We don’t really know what happens or how we’re meant to navigate it.
“Death is life’s last taboo. I hope that by talking about it a bit, I might bring some comfort to others.”
