This article is part of All the Rage, an editorial package that digs into the science of anger. SELF will be publishing new articles for this series all week. Read more here.
It’s easy to assume that therapists are emotional superhumans, especially if you’ve been lucky enough to find one who has helped you work through some tough stuff. After all, therapists are professionally trained in navigating complex emotions—from grief and trauma to anxiety, depression, and so much more. Their goal is to help you tap into how you’re thinking and feeling, so you can work together to understand your headspace and manage your mental well-being when things start to feel confusing, overwhelming, or simply exhausting.
That said, therapists are…also human! They, too, struggle with Big Feelings, just like the folks they help. Anger, in particular, is a big one—if these last few years have confirmed anything, it’s that we all have reasons to be pissed about something.
When it comes to wrangling that rage, mental health professionals are in a unique position. Their training, experience, and passion for helping others inform how they personally approach anger, and ultimately, how they handle it. But what does that process look like for them?
To find out, we spoke with six therapists from different backgrounds and asked about the go-to coping skills that truly help when they’re feeling furious.
1. Step away from the triggering situation.
When Anusha Atmakuri, LPC, the founder and CEO of Antara Counseling and Wellness in Austin, feels anger bubbling up, her first instinct is to step away from whatever’s fueling it. If she’s interacting with another person and they’re playing a role in how she’s feeling, for example, she might tell them, “I need some time to reflect on what we’re talking about. Let’s talk more about this in an hour/at dinner/tomorrow.” Atmakuri tells SELF. “Anger is often the first layer of emotion, protecting or masking other emotions like disappointment, overwhelm, hurt, hunger, guilt, or shame.” By physically moving away from the situation—say, going into another room, heading out for a brisk walk, or cutting a call short—you’ll give yourself some space to start unearthing those layers, which will help you recognize why you’re mad and what you may need to feel better.
For social worker Amanda Frey, LCSW, stepping away offers another benefit: It allows her to get out of her head for a second. “Often, my anger and frustration come [from] feeling overwhelmed,” she tells SELF. “So if I’m able, I remove myself from the triggering situation and use a grounding technique.” This includes any strategy that calms the body and helps her return to the present, such as sniffing some essential oils or changing into cozy clothes.
Marcelle Craig, LMFT, the founder of Amplify Connection Therapy in California, is also a fan of this approach. For her, stepping away might mean waiting to respond to a text message or focusing on a completely different activity like taking a shower, listening to music, or simply soaking in the sun—anything that’s soothing. “I’ve learned that pushing myself to talk before I’m ready tends to lead to an argument that could have possibly been avoided,” she tells SELF.
2. Take a moment to think about your anger, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Many of the therapists SELF spoke with intentionally reflect on their anger, especially while they are taking that much-needed breather. This gives you an opportunity to try and understand the roots of your rage and what you may need to move forward.
For example, after removing herself from an anger-inducing situation, Craig will ask herself why she feels so upset. “Many times it connects to other emotional things I may be trying to work through,” she says. “If I’m able to identify them, I’ll jot these down to share with my therapist.”
Similarly, through working with her own therapist, Jessi Gold, MD, MS, assistant professor in the department of psychiatry at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis, has learned that allowing herself to truly feel the anger ultimately helps her cope with it. “What I need is to just be angry, call it anger, and not judge myself for it,” she tells SELF.
The practice of noticing anger can also help you tap into what it looks and feels like for you—which can be valuable information to have the next time you feel especially aggravated. “Getting to know your anger and its physical, cognitive, and behavioral components can help you recognize anger sooner,” Lola Wang, LCSW, founder of Fig Tree Counseling and Families Together Therapy Service in Chicago, tells SELF. “For example, when I’m getting angry, my breathing gets shallow, thoughts like ‘This isn’t fair’ go through my mind, and I have an urge to ‘angry-clean.’ That’s when I know I’m angry and I need to implement some [other anger management] skills.”
3. Consider what you need to get it out of your system.
“The best way out is through.” We’re sure you’ve heard this saying, and it can certainly be applied to anger, according to the therapists we spoke with. It’s one thing to notice this emotion, but it’s another to actually work through it.
“We all process our feelings in different ways,” Frey notes. “Personally, I’m a verbal processor, so when I’m heated about something, I’m likely to call my partner, a friend, or my own therapist to talk (or scream) it out.” Generally speaking, “processing” could also look like releasing creative energy, say, via painting or beating a drum.
For Gold, a solid writing session works wonders. “I often joke that journaling for me has become ‘rage journaling,’ but it’s true,” she says. When she’s seeing red, she’ll journal for 10 to 15 minutes without worrying about grammar or even if the words even make sense. “I’ll just write—and I use paper and pen, not my computer. Sometimes [this] helps me get out my emotions on the page and even work things out, but sometimes it just becomes a place to hold it.”
Or perhaps you prefer to release this energy through your body; a rage run or calming yoga class could be just what you need, depending on what made you mad in the first place, which brings us to our next point….
4. You really should take a deep breath.
It’s common advice for a reason. It may sound simple, but Atmakuri says doing a few deep breathing exercises the moment anger hits can be immensely useful. “Slowing your breath regulates your nervous system and signals a sense of safety to your brain,” she explains. “I’ve trained myself [to take] one or two deep breaths before I say or do anything that makes me feel angry, stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed. It’s been a game changer.”
If taking a few deep breaths simply isn’t cutting it (you know, when you’re super ticked off), you can still use the power of your lungs to your benefit. Atmakuri recommends exhaling forcefully (think a dragon breathing fire), sighing loudly, exercising in a way that gets your heart rate up, or just crying it out to expel the negativity.
6. Consciously think about anything else.
Once you reflect on your anger and start to process or release it, you might realize you’re upset about something that’s actually pretty trivial—say, your partner is running a few minutes late. In this scenario, Chloe Carmichael, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and the author of Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety, turns to something she calls the “mental shortlist” technique.
The practice involves focusing on other thoughts whenever you’re tempted to stew about something that’s truly insignificant—a “nothing burger,” if you will. So, in the case of your slightly tardy partner, your “mental shortlist” might include things like catching up on reading, sorting through pictures on your phone, listening to that podcast you’ve been meaning to catch up on, or anything else that will force you to redirect your thoughts intentionally. Or if you want to give things a positive spin, it could involve “brainstorming gift ideas for your [partner] or conversation topics you’re excited to discuss when they arrive,” Dr. Carmichael says.
If you find yourself constantly irritated over “nothing burgers,” though, that’s worth paying attention to. “You may want to do a deeper dive to see if there’s something bigger that’s bothering you and resulting in irritability,” Dr. Carmichael notes.
7. Physically adjust your body to temper your emotions.
Therapists are no strangers to the mind-body connection, a concept that often comes up in their personal approaches to frustration. For example, when she’s swirling in her angry thoughts, Wang adjusts her facial expressions and hand positionings. Specifically, she turns to a dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) technique called “Willing Hands and Half-Smiling.”
For “willing hands,” she places her arms alongside her body, keeping them straight or bent slightly at the elbows. She then turns her hands outward, unclenched, with her fingers relaxed and palms facing upward. To practice “half-smiling,” she tries to relax her face, letting go of her facial muscles and tilting the corners of her lips upward, adopting a serene facial expression. “It’s very difficult to stay angry with ‘Willing Hands and Half-Smiling.’ I can feel the tension and energy lift off me when I practice these skills,” Wang says.
8. Give your body the attention it deserves.
“Emotions live in our bodies,” Wang stresses. “So, when I feel irritated, my initial thoughts are: Have I eaten? Am I hydrated? Do I need to take a nap? Most of the time, I feel better when my physical body is taken care of.” When you nurture your body, you’ll also nurture your mind and give it the support it needs to cope with the stress of anger.
To better learn about her own body’s needs, Rachel Weller, PsyD, an assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral health at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York City, turns to a mindfulness skill called body scanning. It involves relaxing in a comfortable position while noticing external sensations (like sounds and odors) and observing your breath. Then, starting from the top of your head, mentally scan your body—section by section—while acknowledging how each part is feeling. Are your eyes heavy? Is your neck tense and achy? Is your stomach rumbling?
As Dr. Weller explains: “Tuning into our physical sensations, like muscular tension, breath, pressure, and tingling, often allows us to increase the connection between our brains and bodies.” This, ultimately, can help you uncover the deeper meanings behind fiery emotions—anger and everything in between, she says. After all, she says, “Our bodies often hold facts that our mind is unable to discover.”
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