Is It OK to Secretly Medicate Your Manic Husband?

A woman I know often complains about her “manic” husband. He is a war veteran in his late 50s who owns a very successful business and is the primary breadwinner for their family. (They have no children.) The wife, a woman in her early 60s who works part time and is dependent on his income, recently told me she dissolves melatonin in the water he takes with him to work in order to “calm him down.” She said, “I told him it was a nutritional supplement, something to help him because he sometimes doesn’t eat lunch.” I looked a bit shocked at her confession, and she immediately justified her actions by saying: “You don’t have to live with him. He doesn’t take his medications. Now he’s calmer.” She did not ask his permission to add melatonin to his drinking water.

Melatonin is not regulated in the United States — though in many countries it is available only by prescription — so legally speaking she is not “drugging” him without his knowledge or consent. And since he is under 65, this would not fall under elder-abuse laws in my state. But I am seriously considering revealing this subterfuge to her husband, whom I know. (She did not swear me to secrecy; in fact, I sensed from the way she told her story that I was not the first to hear of this.) Unfortunately, I have no confidence that confronting her would have an impact; she likes him better now that she’s secretly giving him substances with no regard for his long-term health or the deception. If my wife did this to me, I’d be apoplectic. I’d appreciate your counsel. — Name Withheld

From the Ethicist:

First, any benefits from this “treatment” could well be a second-order placebo effect. As an expert I conferred with confirmed, there’s no serious evidence that melatonin is a useful treatment for mania, and there’s no evidence to support this daytime, waking-hours use of melatonin at all. The main thing that melatonin has been shown to do is help induce sleep. Taking it during the day is an especially bad idea, because it can disrupt your body’s internal clock, and because daytime sleepiness can lead to accidents. In any case, if your friend’s husband is meant to be on other medications, he should consult with a doctor before taking melatonin (or any other drugs) regularly.

But it doesn’t matter whether I’m right about any of this. Medicating mentally competent people without their fully informed consent is wrong. Giving drugs to a spouse in this way is an abusive betrayal of marital trust. What you’ve learned about isn’t a past indiscretion; it’s a significant and ongoing wrong. He should be told what’s happening. Before you take that on yourself, though, do try talking with the woman about the implications of what she’s doing, and encourage her to come clean.

Readers Respond

The previous question was from a reader who felt judged by her friends over a serious decision she made. She wrote: “I went on a date with someone, and we went back to their apartment. In the middle of sex, I caught this person, who uses they/them pronouns, recording me on their phone. … In the morning, I confronted them, and they apologized and deleted the video. They said that was their first time recording someone during sex and a spur-of-the-moment decision, albeit a bad one. When I arrived home I felt more dehumanized than angry, as if I were a sex toy. I told my friends what happened, and they were very upset, and urged me to file a police report. … I decided to contact my date and inform them of the gravity of their actions and told them never to do it again. I also decided that I didn’t want to press charges. I do not want to subject myself to a lengthy legal process, repeating and reliving this story over and over, as well as having to tell my family or put my life on hold. … My friends don’t agree with my decision, despite understanding why I would not want to press charges. … they think I should do it anyway because it’s the right thing to do. I fear that they think less of me now because I am ‘protecting’ my date by giving them the benefit of the doubt.”

In his response, the Ethicist noted: “I understand why you’re being pressured. We want to see justice done; an investigation could reveal whether there’s a pattern of criminal offenses here. But what strikes me is that your friends aren’t acting like friends, giving priority to your own needs and interests; they’re acting like strangers, focused only on what they think would be best for the world. They want you to do something that has an unpredictable chance of benefiting unknown others, but that would also, you believe, cause you a great deal of stress and disrupt your life. Your obligations to others in the dating pool might be more substantial if you were confident your date hadn’t learned a lesson — but you have another perspective, and you’re entitled to it. Survivors of sex-related crimes have to be allowed to decide for themselves whether to go to the police. Caring friends will support them if they do — but won’t shame them if they don’t.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)

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An excellent response from the Ethicist. From my experience, the needs and welfare of the person who has been wronged are paramount. Instead of imposing their views on her, the letter writer’s friends need to support her. — James

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I agree with the Ethicist but would like to add that this situation represents a form of sexual misconduct, and when dealing with victims/survivors, the recommended practice is to support the victim’s choice to report or not report. It’s part of re-empowering them and restoring their agency. Also, survivors need empathy and part of demonstrating that is respecting and supporting their choices. — Shawn

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Was the video truly deleted? Most deleted photos and videos live on for a month or more in a photo app’s “recently deleted” folder, where they can be transferred to other devices and media. The very trusting person who wrote to the Ethicist should probably try to find out. The truth might cause a change in perspective. — Paul

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My sister was the victim of assault on a date, but she didn’t tell me until weeks later. I was so angry and upset for her, but this was why she didn’t tell me right away. Apart from feeling the shock and associated trauma, she was concerned I would pressure her to report and/or take matters into my own hands. I realized that she didn’t trust me to respect her decision not to go to the police. From my criminology studies, I know the rate of conviction is extremely low. The whole process is traumatizing for victims, and the odds are absolutely stacked against them in court. While everything in me wanted to see this man be held accountable, I also knew what my sister would be up against with the system. Never mind the legal fees, media coverage and public opinion piling on top. I totally understand the letter writer’s decision here, and her loved ones should respect it, too. — Jay

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By sharing her ethical dilemma, the letter writer has probably helped to educate many more people than would otherwise be possible. — Susie