Do I Tell the Woman With a Medical Condition She Can’t Swim With Us?

A friend and I take a daily early-morning swim, usually all by ourselves, in a pool that has no lifeguard. A woman arrived the other day and announced that she loves to swim but only does so when another person can be present, because she recently had an EEG that revealed some abnormalities.

We, two ladies “of a certain age,” are very uncomfortable with this situation and worried because we don’t think we could handle an emergency in the pool. Our question is: What are our responsibilities to her in case of a crisis? Do we suggest that she not swim with us because we would be incapable of helping if something happened to her? Is there a better way to respond? — Name Withheld

From the Ethicist:

Don’t tell her she can’t swim with you. Just explain that you don’t think you would be able to perform lifeguard duties. Nobody is entitled to ask you for any heroics, but I don’t know that she even has this in mind — she may simply find it reassuring, psychologically, to know that you could use a phone and call for help if she were having distress. Whether she can safely swim is a question for her doctor; she may have been told that not swimming would be worse for her health.

Readers Respond

Last week’s question was from a person who donated clothes to a friend, a high school teacher in a low-income area, and later found out that the friend was selling the clothes on Poshmark. She wrote: “When I looked up some of my friends’ closets on the site, I discovered my teacher friend had posted and sold all the items I gave her for her students! Not just one or two items — all 20! What’s the right thing to do? Do I confront her, or do I ignore the fact that those kids never got the donated items? Once a donation has been made, what is the ethical expectation?”

In his response, the Ethicist noted: “Diverting donations from their intended beneficiaries, if that’s what happened, is stealing — and stealing from the poor at that. Part of ethics is holding people accountable for their serious wrongdoing. True, she’s a friend, but what kind of friend betrays your trust like this? Even if she had good reasons (maybe your clothes were more valuable to these students as cash?), she owed you the truth. You should tell her what you’ve found. If there’s a compelling explanation — an explanation not only for her actions but for misrepresenting them to you — you might be able to resume your relationship. Seething in silence, though, just means you’ll have your peace of mind stolen too.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)

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As someone who has looked for clothing items and donations, in this case warm coats, hats and gloves for homeless people, I know that you often receive donations that don’t work for the population, due to sizes, dress pants for guys who live in boxes, etc. The “donation” and “volunteer” industry is difficult, because it is often difficult to use the exact thing that is donated or to manage the free but unqualified labor. The best thing any nonprofit can use is money. I’ve never received donations that could be sold on Poshmark, but if I did, I would definitely sell them and use the money to buy a whole lot more of whatever my population needed. A $1,000 blazer? That could be 10 business-appropriate blazers. — Greg

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Dr. Appiah is absolutely right to guide the inquirer to confront her friend about the clothes that were sold for profit instead of donated. Perhaps the cash generated did go to the students and proved to be more beneficial to supporting their academic and/or professional needs than the clothes themselves (never mind the potential future cost to tailor, dry clean, etc.). But the “friend” in question should have disclosed that if that were the case, if at least to assure the inquirer that their support did go on to benefit the intended population. — Lauren

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I think you’re being overly harsh about the high school teacher “betraying her friend’s trust,” especially when said friend mentions “professional blazers, skirts, pants and blouses.” - What high schooler would currently wear these?! The teacher may have been too kind to confront her friend about this when she was on the receiving end. It’s most likely that her students would not take them, and she’s selling them to raise cash instead. Based on these circumstances, I would give the teacher the benefit of the doubt and let it go, unless the writer wants to lose this friend for real, by making her feel embarrassed and ashamed. — Marie

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I disagree. I am a case manager at a shelter and collect donations for our clothes closet. No matter what I say in my request, I often get clothing that is not appropriate and way out of style. It doesn’t help my client to get a job when their clothes look out of place. Just because someone doesn’t have a lot of money, it doesn’t mean they should have to wear clothing that doesn’t fit or is incredibly unstylish for their age. How long was this stuff in the author’s closet? The teacher is making lemonade from lemons by making money for her classroom hoping someone will like the style of clothes. Should she have made it clear she might repurpose the clothing? Yes, but I think the person needs to go into the conversation with an open mind. — Colleen

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A woman donates clothes and thinks adolescents will fit into them and find something suitable to wear to a job interview or to work. That is highly unrealistic. The recipient sold the donation to raise money to perhaps use at a thrift store with a large selection of styles and sizes. Completely appropriate. Why is our first instinct to think that someone is cheating us? — Judy