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Want to restart our sex life, but have a mental block

13 replies

Pipgrin · 01/01/2021 16:23

My boyfriend and I have been together for around 2.5 years and barely had sex ( less than 10 times).

There has been a mixture of reasons for this. When we met he was on fairly heavy duty anti depressants which are notorious for killing libido, he also admitted to generally needing time to open up and be able to "let go" when with someone new sexually and the little sex we did have wasn't great. We did it a handful of times and then completely stopped for about 18 months. I was sad and sometimes slightly resentful, I had all the usual feelings of questioning if he was even into me etc, but we carried on and I just got used to being in a sexless relationship.

Well a while back he came off the meds and expressed that he wanted to start being sexual again. However, I'm really struggling. All that time of not doing it (and never having really done it much even at the dating stage when we should have been all over each other), coupled with the fact that we're both fairly shy about sex has made it feel really awkward. I find him attractive, but we've basically become affectionate roommates, there has never been any real passion and it feels a bit awkward trying to create it now. I also have issues around sex because of a traumatising non consensual experience in my late 20s (I'm 33 now). I feel like this experience, coupled with a long hiatus and feeling rejected by my current partner has led to me having so little sexual confidence :(
I love my boyfriend and find him attractive but I have a complete block when it comes to making a move on him or reciprocating anything he initiates, even when I'm horny. It just feels alien to me now. On a bad day, I don't even feel like a woman anymore.

Does anyone have any advice about how I can start moving through this? I'm feeling sad today as I really thought something might happen for NYE but it was just a platonic hug at midnight. I really don't want another sexless year as it's negatively impacting my self esteem and relationship.

For context, I'm 33, he's 43 and we live together. Thanks for reading, sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

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DrizzleandDamp · 01/01/2021 16:26

Honestly? Would getting a bit pissed and going for it work? Inhibitions lowered and all that, then hopefully you’re back on the horse so to speak!

Probably terrible advice but worked for me post rape...

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Twattergy · 01/01/2021 16:29

Perhaps some couples therapy together? Or on your own to process your non consensual experience? Above advice to just get drunk is well meaning I'm sure, but is terrible advice!

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Pipgrin · 01/01/2021 21:20

@DrizzleandDamp

Alcohol doesn't seem to work for me unfortunately :( I'm sorry you've been through something similar.

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category12 · 01/01/2021 21:27

I'd be concerned that if you did get back on the horse, he might turn around again to no longer want sex & sort of pile on the rejection.

What is he doing to try to rebuild your sexual confidence/trust in him? Why is it your responsibility? I'm feeling sad today as I really thought something might happen for NYE but it was just a platonic hug at midnight Why isn't he making moves if he wants to renew the sexual side?

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DrizzleandDamp · 01/01/2021 22:03

I did say it might be terrible advice, and sounds like it is. Sorry can only give first person view. The other posters make more valid points!

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Pipgrin · 01/01/2021 22:37

@category12

The thing is he has at least communicated that he wants to start being sexual again and even made a few shy 'moves'. These rare occasions have always taken me completely by surprise though as I almost don't see myself as a sexual being anymore, I don't feel able to reciprocate and the moment passes.

I can't blame him too much for not trying more often as he probably thinks he'll just get rebuffed again and I know he finds this stuff difficult too. I'm not very experienced outside this relationship but he's definitely the most sexually reticent and shy guy I've been with - every other partner has been a lot more forthcoming and confident about instigating sex so I guess I've never had to do it. I've never doubted that they wanted me sexually so it's all seemed to flow a bit more naturally. I wish he could be a little more confident as I think it would make things easier for me, but I don't want to blame him for something that is mainly my issue as it least he has tried.

There have been times when we're cuddled up next to each other on the sofa and I would love to get it on but I just can't make the first move, I just feel totally blocked in this area of life now. Like I don't know what to do anymore and it won't flow or feel natural :(

Maybe it just doesn't work with two people who are sexually shy, especially with all my issues with past bad experiences

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candle18 · 01/01/2021 23:23

Could you talk to him and tell him how you’re feeling. Then maybe decide to be more intimate but agree initially it won’t lead to sex, to take the pressure off. Ask him to give you a massage maybe?

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Alternista · 01/01/2021 23:27

Do you own a vibrator? I assume from what you’ve said you don’t masturbate but maybe spending some time getting yourself in the mood without him in the equation would help?

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bellmyring · 01/01/2021 23:38

Based on your post, you probably need some help with respect to understanding what you really want, and the impact of the bad experiences. You don’t specify what they are, but a good counsellor can make a huge difference (speaking from experience).

First thing is to make sure that you are ok. Afterwards worry about your partner (of course he may feel bad being rebuffed).

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Palavah · 01/01/2021 23:48

You need to be able to explore your own sexuality and work out how to please yourself. A vibrator or just your hands will help here.

Then you need to have a good chat with each other (the wine might help with that!) and talk frankly about what you want to happen. Maybe write notes to each other and swap them? Bigger picture eg What you want your sex life to be. And eventually the detail: what do you want to do, what do you want the other to do?

If you can't have that honest conversation either off your own bats or with the support of a counsellor, then you need to knock it on the head.

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SometimesIWonderWhy · 02/01/2021 00:15

Honestly?
I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't want to have sex with me.
I am a very affectionate and tactile person and I need to be touched, when I'm single I make do with masturbation which is ok, but I want intimacy.

I've been in a few long term relationships and if the sex disappears completely then it means my interest in that person is gone.

I sympathise with your dp mental health, but I wouldn't want to sacrifice my happiness to be with someone like that.
I assume you don't want children - because that obviously isn't going to happen in your relationship either.

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wensleydalecheese · 02/01/2021 00:47

I have almost the exact same situation @Pipgrin - sorry to hear you're in the same boat. The post above is really unhelpful.

What's kept me sane til now has been accepting intimacy in other ways (he strokes my hair a lot), having male friends who play-flirt and boost my ego, using a vibrator alone. That sounds bad reading it back, but it's helped to calm me down and get used to having sex on only an occassional basis. I've found it impossible to force the situation with romantic breaks, underwear, games etc but always worth a try if you haven't already. I've also recently come off the pill and he enjoyed seeing the genuine increase in my sex drive that provided a bit of a reset button.

Best of luck. Give it a try but don't be afraid to leave if you need to. Feel free to message me if you want to chat.

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CrotchBurn · 02/01/2021 06:57

I don't understand @wensleydalecheese. If you have to play flirt with friends and all he will do is stroke your hair then what's the point? You deserve more than that

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