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Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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My son wants to go to open days alone/with friends

378 replies

Mathsmother · 14/06/2024 04:04

My son in year 12 wants to go to uni open days alone and not with me or my husband. He may go with friends to a couple where they also interested in applying.

We are totally fine about it and rather admire his initiative but when I posted such on Facebook I was told that most students take parents along with them to open days and I really should go. I just wondered why? Surely it is the student’s choice not the parent’s and it is much cheaper for one train ticket (on a young person’s railcard) than two or three tix? The only downside I can see of my son travelling alone at age 17 is that he won’t be able to book a hotel room for the one far-flung uni he had on his list (Edinburgh). Thoughts and experiences welcome xx

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Octavia64 · 14/06/2024 04:11

You don't need to go.

For mine I went to a couple, drove him to a couple and dropped him off and he went to a few on his own.

Sometimes they put in talks for parents - finance etc - but mostly not and honestly they're busy and with very few places to sit down and have a coffee.

andyourpointiswhat · 14/06/2024 04:15

If he wants to go on his own I would say don’t push it. Could he book into a hostel rather than a hotel for the Edinburgh one?

Mathsmother · 14/06/2024 04:19

Thanks @Octavia64. My son wants to go by train (rather than us/him drive) so that he can see how easy it is to get home in uni hols (not term time). I have read up on student finance etc online so don’t feel the need to sit in a generic talk about it at an open day. But the key point is that my son wants to branch out and make the uni decision HIS decision, not ours. I just didn’t know if that was the norm?

OP posts:

Mathsmother · 14/06/2024 04:20

andyourpointiswhat · 14/06/2024 04:15

If he wants to go on his own I would say don’t push it. Could he book into a hostel rather than a hotel for the Edinburgh one?

Great suggestion! I’d forgotten all about hostels since staying in them 30 years ago myself! Thank you

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EmmaGrundyForPM · 14/06/2024 04:25

I attended a couple with my son, others he went to with friends. Absolutely no need to attend them with him - you don't learn anything you can't get from the website.

BeBopBeBop · 14/06/2024 04:26

We're coming in from overseas so DS will do most on his own (including Edinburgh actually) while I hang out with his younger sibling. I think a lot of parents do go especially now fees are so high, but they are really geared up for the students.

Stringbean70 · 14/06/2024 04:33

My goddaughter went to all open and offer holder days alone but most people had (often overly vocal and over-invested) parents with them. She interacted much more with lecturers and solo prospective students as a consequence of being on her own. When she missed her RG offer by two grades (AAA required but got ABB) they let her in and she subsequently found out that the admissions tutor was impressed that she attended the offer holder day without a parent in tow and asked questions

Octavia64 · 14/06/2024 04:35

In terms of it being his decision - for many students parents provide a lot of the funding.

So for example they might say to their child - we can only fund you so much per year and then let the child choose whether to go to an expensive (in terms of living costs) uni.

Other parents are more prescriptive and will say for example - if you want to go to a London uni fine but we can't afford it so you'll need to get a nearly full time job to afford it.

Mathsmother · 14/06/2024 04:43

I totally get that @Octavia64 - but my son decided on affordable unis first before drawing up his open day shortlist. Surely that is the norm? Why visit London unis, Bristol etc for open days if you know you can’t afford?

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sashh · 14/06/2024 04:49

@Mathsmother your son sound delightfully independent.

I think it has become more common for parents to attend open days but it isn't necessary.

What did surprise me was giving a friend and her son a lift for the son to enrol I told my friend I'd only give her a lift is she let her son do the actual enrolment himself.

But when we got there and were having a coffee while son went to enrol there were lots of parents going to the enrolment.

Owlcat42 · 14/06/2024 04:52

It was (more than) a couple of decades ago but i went to all my uni open days on my own. No way did i want my parents with me - I was the one who was making the choice.

There was one i couldn’t easily do as a day trip, but the university had a scheme where current students put you up for the night for a small fee. Not sure that would happen now though.

MariaVT65 · 14/06/2024 04:57

I went to 2 out of 3 on my own, inc long train journeys. Was fine and I asked all the questions I needed.

GordonBlue · 14/06/2024 05:18

Mostly, parents go now because they're paying for it, and the open days are organised with the expectation that parents will be there. Depends on your family dynamic of course, but if you're the kind of family that discusses big decisions then lots of young people find it helpful to have those discussions with parents who have physically been to the place and have plenty of information about it. You don't get reduced offers for not having parents there! Offers get reduced on results day in line with wider strategic decisions.

Of course if he doesn't want you there it might upset him for you to go. But an extra pair of eyes and ears can be useful. There's a lot of information to absorb and one person alone can miss things. Eg your son appears to be under the impression that London is more expensive when in fact the fees are of course the same and, depending on which London university he is going for and what schemes they have, accommodation in halls can be cheaper in London.

Soñando25 · 14/06/2024 05:18

I think it's wonderful that your son is so confident and independent. My children varied in this, but one went to all open days either on his own, or with friends. The others mixed it up a bit and we accompanied them to some, but not all open days. Ultimately, apart from any financial considerations, it's their decision.
I have a great relationship with the son who went to them all without me by the way! He also now lives nearby to us with his partner, having lived in various parts of the country after University.
As I said, I think it's great that your son is so confident!

PuffyFluffin · 14/06/2024 05:24

My son went to the 1st open day with friends, and afterwards said that almost all the other kids had parents with them. We went to the next one as a family and he admitted that he got more out of it because we asked a lot of questions about accommodation etc.

Your son will be fine on his own and it's great for his independence 🙂

piscofrisco · 14/06/2024 05:33

I went on my own /with friends to all of mine. I don't really know when parents going with became a big thing

GordonBlue · 14/06/2024 06:24

When they started paying ££££s for it.

Loopytiles · 14/06/2024 06:36

I think it’s ‘helicoptering’ and overall unhelpful for near adult age DC for parents to attend. We can support, discuss options, decide what we will/won’t pay for, without physically accompanying them.

Quitelikeacatslife · 14/06/2024 06:37

My DS is going with his dad because he's available to take him etc. I would like to go but have said I'll go to offer holder days later down the line. For my DD this was useful and more likely the actual place they'd go to. At that stage you are looking at specific accommodation etc. Agree don't need student finance talk, that is very simple and well explained online. At this stage for me it's getting them to suss it out. I agree that getting there and back is a consideration, one Uni my DS is looking at us a bugger to get to from us and expensive. An easier car ride or cheaper train should not be discounted in the discussion. They are forever coming to and fro.

PerpetualOptimist · 14/06/2024 06:45

Be guided by your son, which sounds like what you plan to do anyway. In my case, my children asked me to attended their first one with them and then chose to do the rest themselves. They felt they owned the process and said staff and students were more attentive precisely because they were in a minority of solo attendees.

To pick up on observations by other posters:

It is possible to discuss uni options meaningfully with children without attending Open Days. There is info on the web that can be reviewed together; you can visit locations at other times with them; I did that in some cases after an Open Day with my child acting as the guide.

Obviously it can be helpful to have an extra pair of eyes and ears and an on-site sounding board. However, my children did a lot of prep before each Open Day to mitigate this. It also meant the onus was on them to 'lock on', really use their limited time wisely and ask questions.

In terms of long distance travel, Edinburgh in your case, could your son consider very early morning trains and accept they miss the morning sessions? Domestic flights might be an option.

To conclude, many DC much prefer their parents to accompany and, if that works for them, support them but equally, if they want to go solo, run with it.

Babyhatesnaps · 14/06/2024 06:46

I went to open days with my parents or just mum 10 years ago because almost everyone went with their parents. It's the same nowadays with the teens I know. It's healthier for him to choose a university he truly wants to go to, not because his friends want to go there. Parents wanted to see what the university and accommodation were like.

EveningSpread · 14/06/2024 06:50

I work in a University and I wish more young people came to open days alone! You wouldn’t believe how many parents make it all about them and crowd their children out - often out of enthusiasm or nostalgia, but still!

It show great initiative and confidence to travel to and attend open days alone. You’ve done a great job, let him spread his wings!

Loopytiles · 14/06/2024 07:01

Attending alone or with friends doesn’t make it any more or less likely a young adult will be influenced by friends in making choices.

more likely they are subject to attempts to influence by parents, which although we have good intentions has pros and cons!

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whyhavetheygotsomany · 14/06/2024 07:02

Your son sounds really mature and sensible. Most kids would be driven Around London unis all day and have it all handed on a plate for them to have a good doss for a couple of years.

PerpetualOptimist · 14/06/2024 07:05

To add to @EveningSpread's comment, my DC reported that parental behaviour was generally not an issue but at some Open Days they did have to assert themselves so that they caught the attention of staff and students; there were cases of parents cutting across individual conversations but the staff were good about deflecting and managing that; so just be aware; again, all useful life experience.

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