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Am I in my right to send Daughter to family member in my care

53 replies

Graveturtle · 11/03/2023 08:42

A breif description of my situation

Ive been apart from my ex nearly 4 years now
I live with new partner and we have my three children regularly. Everyone in the household get along but my eldest daughter has now been showing displays of disrespect towards me and my partner. To the extent she has hit and kicked me and tells my partner to shut up she doesnt have a say

Ive tried numerous occassions to talk with her on a level, but it doesnt seem to be setting in. Ive explained that rules in our house may differ from your mums, but whilst you are here, you respect our rules. We both pay towards the house and your little brother and sister follow the rules

There obviously is history between me and ex and the disrespect towards me certainly stems from this

The past 2 weeks I've taken it upon myself to take all 3 children to my mothers, to try diffuse the hostile situation between me and my partner, however, this is a massive upheaval as she lives a 30 min drive.

I don't want her in my home at this moment in time and am looking into counselling for us both, but in the meantime, I need to make her realise its not ok

The little 2 children are suffering, as am I, my partner and mother. What's the next step I ask?

As her mother refuses to keep her till its sorted, I'm thinking of stripping further luxuries of the home and send her to my Aunties. Its walking distance from her school, she's 13 years of age and the walk is only 20mins.

She shows no remorse, empathy and spends to much time on her phone to acknowledge what its going on around her. She insists she is happy to come to our house but wont talk to my partner. I said that's not how a family home works and I'm not happy with that mentality

Good solution? In my right? Please advise

OP posts:

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MaireadMcSweeney · 11/03/2023 08:45

No you are not right
you don't say how old your DD is? I assume teen or approaching?
if there is a relationship issue between you and your child you need to work on the relationship, not put in stricter and stricter rules and then send her to her auntie's. You'll just end up pushing her away and making her resent you.
what's changed in her life recently?

2023usernameNew · 11/03/2023 08:50

@MaireadMcSweeney , the OP says she is 13

@Graveturtle , I don’t understand what you Emma when you say ‘As her mother refuses to keep her till its sorted’

do you mean she doesn’t want to let her stay in her house more than the arranged time?

LaviniasBigBloomers · 11/03/2023 08:54

This isn't about whether it's your 'right' or not, it's whether it's the right thing to do for your dd who is (clearly) right in the middle of a truly awful teenage stage.

She's pushing your boundaries - sending her away would be a terrible thing to do.

Are you - consciously or unconsciously - trying to engineer a situation where she just stops coming, or her mother is so pissed off at your behaviour she keeps her home?

This is what parenting is pal. Teens are hard, incredibly hard. But we need to parent them through it, not send them elsewhere for someone else to do our jobs disney dad.

Marchforward · 11/03/2023 08:54

You need to work on your relationship with your daughter. How often do you see her? I would be arranging to do something one evening a week with her, nandos, cinema, bowling.

MaireadMcSweeney · 11/03/2023 08:58

Sorry I missed that
at 13 she's starting adolescence and all that goes with that. You need to learn about teenagers.

Quartz2208 · 11/03/2023 09:02

So your ex sends her and won’t keep her until it is sorted is right this isn’t your ex at all

reading between the lines has your partner tried to impose rules etc and it has blown up and now she won’t talk to you partner

and your solution is to ban her from the house - that isn’t ok at all. Surely it is her house too. She is 13 and a teenager you need to be the adult.

you have clearly failed to blend in the new partner (how new) properly and have forced them both into roles they shouldn’t have.

but you are clearly picking your partner absolving yourself of blame

Aria2015 · 11/03/2023 09:23

Don't send her away. You need to stick this out and work on it. As children get older you need to regularly revisit and adjust how you parent them and what boundaries you have in place. They're growing up, pushing boundaries, finding themselves and they usually do this in a very messy way and they need parental support and love to see them through. It's tough, but get it right, and when they come out the other side, you'll have a strong and loving relationship. Get it wrong, and you risk them walking away from you when they get to age that they can.

You can't expect a 13 yo for to abide by the same 'rules' as younger children and your parenting of them has to be different too. It doesn't mean she can do what she likes, but you have to pick your battles and give natural consequences. All you're teaching her by sending her away is that you're not there for her and that your love is conditional on her complying to how you want her to be.

NerrSnerr · 11/03/2023 09:41

Don't send her away. How long have you been living with your partner? Was it quick after the separation from her mum or is it recent and she's still getting used to it. She needs stability and love and to show that she is always welcome.

cestlavielife · 11/03/2023 09:45

Send your partner away
Your partner is the interloper here and the problem
Rebuild your relationship with dd
Sessions with family therapist with you your dd snd your partner to agree a way forward

NurseCranesRolodex · 11/03/2023 09:57

You're describing a situation where a father has replaced his child with new children and is forcing a new woman to be accepted as an authority figure.

The father punishes the DD's emotional upset by dismantling her belongings, taking away any safe space, rejecting her very presence and sending her elsewhere.

Comparisons with (good/better/new) younger children "behaving" better are cruel and dangerous.

DD is showing in her behaviour that she desperately needs help, nurture, love and her father.

Tbh your new woman is not her mother. She may not like or relate to her, why should she? Would you be happy with a new man being presented as a new replacement parent to you.

Start doing your job and spend time ONLY with her for short periods. Stop being abusive unless you're intending to cause life long harm. Build your relationship. Do NOT let any adult, especially a stranger discipline or tell your DD what to do. Get your house in order. Short visits with meaningful time with you and her. You're likely to see her grow up, go into a nasty relationship with someone you wouldn't choose unless you start healing the damage your divorce and subsequent new relationship has caused. It's never too late but don't put her out to tender.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/03/2023 10:02

You're describing a situation where a father has replaced his child with new children and is forcing a new woman to be accepted as an authority figure

The OP has three children with his ex, who are full siblings, nd come and stay together with him and his new partner.

Whataretheodds · 11/03/2023 10:06

She's 13 and has already been through her parents' breakup, now handling her feelings about you having a new partner, and puberty on top of that.
how often do you see her? Does she get any 121 time with you?

I suspect she needs more of your time, more parenting, not less. She's probably already feeling displaced. The answer is not to send her away.

SirVixofVixHall · 11/03/2023 10:08

LaviniasBigBloomers · 11/03/2023 08:54

This isn't about whether it's your 'right' or not, it's whether it's the right thing to do for your dd who is (clearly) right in the middle of a truly awful teenage stage.

She's pushing your boundaries - sending her away would be a terrible thing to do.

Are you - consciously or unconsciously - trying to engineer a situation where she just stops coming, or her mother is so pissed off at your behaviour she keeps her home?

This is what parenting is pal. Teens are hard, incredibly hard. But we need to parent them through it, not send them elsewhere for someone else to do our jobs disney dad.

Agree with this.
You and your ex separating wasn’t her choice, she had no say yet it has had a huge impact on her life. It is understandable that she is angry and resents your new partner.
Sending her somewhere else is terrible parenting and will make everything worse. She needs more love, affection and support now, not less.

Whataretheodds · 11/03/2023 10:09

I don't want her in my home at this moment in time
Surely if you share residence this is her home too.
The way you talk about her is pretty uncaring about her welfare.

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 11/03/2023 10:09

No, you're not right.

The children don't choose to live between two homes, nor for their parents to live with new partners.

Of course that doesn't mean parents shouldn't split and form new relationships BUT the key word for what parents have towards their children in this situation is responsibilities rather than rights.

It's extremely common for teenagers to struggle hugely with "blended" families - they have a right to feel both houses are their homes, and their parents have a responsibility to achieve this. It's hard work but your responsibility. Boundaries yes - but unconditional love and understanding and empathy for the child in a difficult situation not of their making too.

Biscuits1011 · 11/03/2023 10:10

Step parenting is bloody hard. Blending families is hard. Teenagers are really hard. Sending her away isn’t the answer.

your partner shouldn’t be parenting her, you should. All discipline should be down to you and you only and your partner should respect that. You can’t force your daughter to talk to your partner, but obviously need to be clear you won’t accept disrespect either. You need to parent her, don’t send her away it will make it worse. You could take her phone away? I will do this with My 13 year old if she’s being disrespectful.

Helpmymenopausalfanny · 11/03/2023 10:11

Children’s behaviour is an expression of how they’re feeling. The problem is not your daughter - the problem is in her life. Maybe you should be looking at ways to make her feel included and loved. Yes, her behaviour is unacceptable, but find a way to parent her that allows you to put boundaries in place, but also makes her feel cared for and wanted. Palming her off to a relative is not the answer.

EyesOnThePies · 11/03/2023 10:15

You are prioritising your new partner over your Dd.

Your new partner knew you had kids, and might have expected ructions from a teen.

Your Dd is behaving badly, that’s true, but I would guess that she needs a signal of unconditional love from you, not rejection, which will only confirm her belief that she has been cast aside by the adults in her life for them to pursue new families not of her making.

Love bomb rather than reject.

Hapoydayz · 11/03/2023 10:15

So you want your daughter to be patented by your ex, your mother or her aunt until she behaves in a way you deem acceptable in your house? Why are you unable to and need others to do it on the time she is meant to be spending with her father? Sending her away is not going to improve your relationship. She’s 13 and her life has changed. Maybe you need to understand from her perspective going between 2 homes and being forced to accept your girlfriend.

Ruffpuff · 11/03/2023 10:22

Let’s not all pretend it’s normal teenage behaviour to hit and kick parents. I think in this circumstance professional help and family counselling is needed.

Flowersinmai · 11/03/2023 10:30

She’s a Teenager. Look up their brain development. In many ways - logic etc - they are just larger toddlers. Would you treat a toddler like this?
She has clearly had upheaval in her life.
Try to help her. Dont sent her away.

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/03/2023 10:33

You can’t just dump your teenagers when they’re difficult!

IhearyouClemFandango · 11/03/2023 10:36

I think your partner needs to move out. You can stay a couple, but allow your daughter's home to be her home while you all heal. You are prioritising a very new relationship over your child.

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euff · 11/03/2023 10:41

MaireadMcSweeney · 11/03/2023 08:58

Sorry I missed that
at 13 she's starting adolescence and all that goes with that. You need to learn about teenagers.

This. A lot of 13 year old girls are like this and she might have been the same had you and her mum stayed together and had further children.

Also as she's the oldest it's the first time you are going through this and you may have different issues with your next children as teens but you may get less worked up about them.

Not saying she's not disrespectful etc this is a tough age but I don't think shipping her off is the right thing as she will feel like you preferred your younger children and she wasn't wanted. Different thing if Aunty loves spending time with her niece and wants to have that time etc. This isn't to say that it's not hard being in your position or your partners. You don't have her all the time so your children and partner don't have this all the time.

Dotcheck · 11/03/2023 10:42

Of course she shouldn’t get physical with you, but…
your partner shouldn’t parent her
you shouldn’t send her away
she should be welcome in the home where she lives

How long have you been with your partner? How long after the split did you get together?

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