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Why does it feel unnatural with dh?

32 replies

sweetpea44 · 22/06/2023 11:41

Sex with dh has never felt natural to me. I suspect it's mainly down to our age gap (him 49 and me 35) and the fact he has to take viagra for ED. He never actually told me this at the start, I just found the packets by accident so we already started on secrecy and poor communication.

Sex is good but the same routine every time. Because of the ED issues we also have to schedule it in which rules out any spontaneity. Admittedly with work and two young kids the opportunities for spontaneous sex are few and far between anyway! But when it does come around it's almost one of us awkwardly suggesting 'shall we you know then' and it just feels a bit staged and doesn't seem to flow naturally.

He doesn't like to talk about it much, I'm presuming because he feels embarrassed or inadequate which I've tried to reassure him about. In every other way he is open, loving, supportive and I adore him and am very comfortable with him. I don't know why there is this invisible barrier and awkwardness surrounding sex.

I have to admit that im not the most sexually confident person either. Lots of body image issues, a few harsh comments from exes and just a general lack of self esteem mean that I've always preferred partners to take the lead in these situations and I guess he is maybe the same.

I do think he still masturbates and that makes me feel like shit although I get it's different to sex with the pressure to please and perform for someone else. I just wish we could have a bit more fun with it and for him to be a bit more open. I remember once sending him some saucy texts at the start of the relationship and never got anything back so felt a bit of a fool. It's things like that that keep the spark alive though I think.

Any tips of how to improve this would be great. I sometimes think he's just not that bothered...

OP posts:

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sweetpea44 · 22/06/2023 16:50

Bump

OP posts:

Crispten · 22/06/2023 16:53

I think it’s normal to a point

Sunnyfeelgood · 22/06/2023 16:53

Has it ever been natural with him? Maybe you just aren't compatible sexually?

DontBePassiveAggresive · 22/06/2023 17:01

I don't know why there is this invisible barrier and awkwardness surrounding sex.

Because he has ED and you aren't that confident.

Even if you put in lots of effort it's not going to improve if he doesn't want or isn't willing for it to improve though. Both of you have to be trying for it to work otherwise he will feel pressured by your effort rather than to take it as it's meant.

Would he consider couples counselling? If not then I think you need to accept it for what it is. And that that could lead to you not wanting to be in the relationship anymore.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 22/06/2023 17:03

Some couples have great sex and a shit relationship. You have a great relationship and an imperfect sex life.

Perfection is for the Gods.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 22/06/2023 17:04

You're both not very confident in the bedroom
ED can be a real mental block for men. Taking away their "manliness" in their eyes.
Have you actually tried to talking to him?

sweetpea44 · 22/06/2023 17:12

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 22/06/2023 17:03

Some couples have great sex and a shit relationship. You have a great relationship and an imperfect sex life.

Perfection is for the Gods.

I'm starting to feel like this is the sad truth, you can't have everything can you!!

I have tried talking to him but he just sort of goes along with it, agrees, reassures me but doesn't fully engage or or want to change things. I think he clams up because it's a sensitive subject for him.

I could probably try to improve things if I were more adventurous and confident but I can't change who I am either, so I guess we are where we are.

OP posts:

LiOLeary · 22/06/2023 17:13

You don't have to have sex to be spontaneous. He could be spontaneous when giving you pleasure.

Superdupes · 22/06/2023 17:23

Why would him masturbating make you feel like shit? Don't you masturbate? If not then start! Nothing better for making you more confident in bed then knowing what works for you. Get yourself a bullet vibrator and have fun, get him to use it on you too - no viagra needed for that, can be as spontaneous as you like.

DeadbeatYoda · 22/06/2023 17:24

Have you thought about buying a sex therapy book and working through it together? Or you read it to increase your confidence? 'The Joy of Sex' used to be the go to but I imagine there has been a few updated versions since the 70's.

Alargeoneplease89 · 22/06/2023 17:28

Why not focus on you? Make yourself confident- buy toys and get comfortable with your body and what you like.

sweetpea44 · 22/06/2023 17:34

I'm comfortable in th sense that I know my body and what works for me but I guess I'm not so confident about my technique with other people
I guess. And my body. I'm not the sort to want to dress up or put on a show. And I sometimes even get anxious about initiating things now because of how awkward things have got, it sounds bizarre to say this about my own husband who in every other what I'm totally at ease with.

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 22/06/2023 17:36

Could he be gay?

newtb · 22/06/2023 17:42

Has he thought of taking Cialis instead? Taken every day, it acts over a longer period so you can be more spontaneous.

LlynTegid · 22/06/2023 17:45

I think somehow the cause of the ED needs to be established. It may be that alternative medication or perhaps a weight issue could be addressed.

Beachhutnut · 22/06/2023 17:49

Get some toys, focus on yourself and increase your drive. Once you're happy it will be easier to work on increasing the spark for the both of you. Practice makes perfect!

Devonshiregal · 22/06/2023 17:59

also I don’t feel like 49 is a usual age to be on viagra? That’s a him issue not an age issue.

AbraKedavra · 22/06/2023 18:40

Try discussing specific (smallish) ideas. Instead of a general talk how you would like things to be better, perhaps try suggesting specific activities or positions etc.

Tiddler39 · 22/06/2023 18:56

It sounds like you’re not sexually compatible. It was like this with my ex - it never felt totally natural for some reason, even after 15 years!

My DP now is much older than me but we are incredibly sexually compatible and I’ve never felt so confident and comfortable.

I do believe some people just ‘work’ well together.

continentallentil · 22/06/2023 19:00

It doesn’t sound insurmountable, but given you aren’t very confident and he is embarrassed or feeling less than, there is a bit to tackle.

Neither of you sound like top communicators so I think you need to talk about it and then probably find a therapist to work with as a couple. Given he didn’t tell you he had ED and you’ve never been able to raise sex feeling awkward, it sounds like you need some help with communication too. The 14 year age gap wouldn’t cause awkward sex by the way, it’s either a communication or a general compatibility issue.

A couples’ therapist might fill the both of you with horror, but if you don’t do something it sounds like your relationship will be on a long slow decline.

Scottishskifun · 22/06/2023 19:04

Have you considered toys that you can explore as a couple? Nothing too crazy but a couples starter kit - you don't have to use them all it's just generally cheaper!
That way you can explore and have some fun/build up beforehand and then he can take his viagra and it's less stilted.

I also found wearing some nice dress underslips really helped my confidence without being too dress up etc but my DH loves them and they are just silky meant for under dresses.

knittingaddict · 22/06/2023 19:09

TomatoSandwiches · 22/06/2023 17:36

Could he be gay?

Oh please. 🙄

Weatherwax13 · 22/06/2023 19:22

I would suggest he sees the GP about cialis instead of Viagra. It's taken daily so there's far more opportunity to be spontaneous. Plus after a while on that (if the GP thinks its suitable of course) some of the awkwardness could subside if he feels more confident.
I think asking him to make an appointment is completely reasonable.

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Frankbutchersfangs · 22/06/2023 19:22

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 22/06/2023 17:03

Some couples have great sex and a shit relationship. You have a great relationship and an imperfect sex life.

Perfection is for the Gods.

❤️ this! No one has a perfect relationship.

BoxOfCats · 22/06/2023 19:26

I strongly recommend reading Ian Kerner's books - "She Comes First" and "He Comes Second" (the latter is also sold under the name "Passionista"). The latter should be especially helpful, it focuses a lot on the psychology of sex for men.

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