Coming Out Starts with 'You'

June is Global Pride Month, traditionally a time when we remember the struggle for equal rights by the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) community.

It should also be a time to deeply introspect on a key issue, which troubles parents, adolescents and anyone questioning their gender or identity.

The whole idea of ‘coming out.’

Coming out of the closet is a scary proposition.

It is filled with fear and anxiety. Yet, it can also be tinged with some excitement and a future sense of peace of mind.

Until now I have never really felt the need to speak about my sexuality in any public forum. Simply because I believe it shouldn’t matter. Do heterosexual people ever feel the need to ‘come out’?

Yet, my past experience hasn’t always attested to what I have come to believe, today. It has been a journey fraught with self-doubt, indecision, and fear. At home, in school and in professional spaces.

After completing my higher-level certification in Life Coaching, I realised you must dig much deeper. Use your experience to first change the way you see things, so that you can put your best foot forward to change other people’s lives.

 You have to be authentic and original.

So, I made a pledge to

‘Inspire people to find the courage and strength to be the best version of themselves and thrive against all odds’

I declared my niche. I wanted to be, a Coming Out Coach.

Not a counsellor that makes you dwell on the past to resolve the present, but a Coach who works with current realities to guide you to a future of your choosing.

Given that context, I would like to give you 3 simple tips.

1. Trust in Yourself

This is the toughest one. Today you have LGBT+ Pride Marches, online content, Diversity & Inclusion mandates in institutional and corporate spaces, trying to normalise issues of gender and sexuality. However, from the earliest of our existence there have always been certain expectations and preconceived ideas instilled in every young person’s mind. 

Right from puberty, these overwhelming fears of ‘hetero-normative’ judgement have left us struggling to conform in the face of competing desires. 

We oscillate between self- doubt and guilt and comfort in the falsehood that it is merely a ‘passing phase’

Biology and research have shown that we exist on a spectrum. It is not uncommon for those who will later be "normal" heterosexual men or women to have "a crush" on someone of the same sex. It may be a schoolteacher; it may be a friend - it could be anyone, there are no rules, and it may not just be the one person - it may be many.

Sexual orientation is not hereditary, neither can it be instilled by corruption, persuasion, lifestyle or by any other means - and no matter what anyone may tell you, or claim, it most definitely cannot be something that defines you.

So, you need to convert that gnawing fear and questioning into something that empowers you.

2. Use your Intuition

Gay, straight or bisexual, it doesn’t matter - you are you, and you are unique. No two people are ever exactly the same - not even identical twins. Be proud of who you are. Trust in yourself and more importantly in your journey, to be the best at whatever it is that you do.

Trust your intuition about the people that matter, who will stand by you and really care and take you forward.

Remember if someone has a problem with it - the problem is theirs, not yours. 

Begin from your mind, if you can control your reactions and trust in yourself, you will give out an energy that will infect other people.

To stand tall and stand proud.

3. Have Faith

One of the biggest mysteries in the world today is why some people have a problem with another person's sexuality when you consider all the great names throughout history.

Great emperors, kings, war-lords, painters, writers, poets, musicians, composers, pop singers, fashion gurus, astrologers, philosophers, architects, engineers and many, many others enjoying pride of place in history have either been gay or bisexual!

Their sexual orientation never hampered them.

As actress Judy Garland once said: 

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."  

And then there's this quote from British pop star Dusty Springfield

When faced with that whole saga of "coming out" and deciding whether you should to family or friends first, at work, to all and sundry, or not – I’d say keep the faith. 

Coming out is a process, it is a journey that only you can navigate.

Only you can, with a little help, know and decide what and when is best for you.

Now if you were to ask me what flipped a switch in my coming out journey? I refer to my Coaching experience to choose a moment in my life that deserves retelling.

A woman I loved dearly and still do, sat me down and did some plain-speaking. She told me I wasn’t just well liked but admired and loved by many, so I needed to get over myself and address the elephant in the room, take it head on and go live my truth. 

She was my Coming Out Coach. I was just that lucky.

Therefore, it is a pity that when I search online for Coming Out Coaches in India, there aren’t any. 

It begs the question. Why should you have to rely on providence to have access to the best there is for you?

So here's my latest podcast with The Coming Out Coaches who offer you a free coaching session. Don't forget to listen till the end to find out how.

And, if you ever feel the need to just talk, you can block some time to just talk - https://calendly.com/timewithshivrajparshad/60min